Why didn’t I think of protection? That was so dumb of me. Maybe I should have made it clear to Kade that it was my first time so he one hundred percent knew that it was his responsibility to think of that. As the most experienced out of us, he should have done it anyway. It seems like he has no respect for me at all.
I yank the test out and try to work out whether I need to pee or not. I’m pretty sure that I do, so I get myself in position. I awkwardly hold the test out underneath me, and I do the dreaded deed. All the while trying to work out what went wrong with my life. If I could see this image of me as soon as I laid eyes on Kade again, I would have stayed away, I’m sure of it. Alone, taking a test, and heart broken. What a pathetic mess.
Once I’m done I click the cap back on and I leave the test on the back of the toilet. Then I check my watch for the time and I proceed to pace up and down the small room while I wait for my life to change in one way or another. As I do, I try to see my life with a baby. Would I make a good mom? Do I have any maternal skills? What will my family say? And what will Kade say? Whatever has gone on here, I’ll have to let him know if he’s about to become a father. Oh God, I dread to think what his reaction will be. He’ll hate me even more than he already does. If that’s even possible. Since I don’t know how he feels, it’s hard to tell.
I check my watch again, only thirty seconds has gone past. I never knew how long a minute could be before. The closer that the time gets, the colder and more full of fear I am. I keep walking, unable to keep still. While I move I continually chew on my bottom lip until it starts to feel sore. This is hell!
“Okay, that’s a minute,” I say quietly. “Time to look.”
Of course, that’s easier said than done. So, when I reach forward with a trembling hand my eyes fall closed and I can’t bear to look. Even if this is negative I don’t think I’ll be the same person. This will have jaded me and I won’t be happy and care free any longer. Not even in a fake way. Or maybe I’ll be just fine.
I pry my eyes open, one at a time, and my hearts stops dead at the sight before me. I guess I didn’t think this could really happen until this very moment, but now it’s more real than ever.
The little blue cross. Positive. I’m pregnant. I really am about to have a baby…
The world spins around me as I attempt to digest this, I feel myself slump to the ground. Kade’s seed is growing inside of me, becoming a human, and I’m responsible for this life. What I do with it will affect me forever more. I could have a baby, be a mom, give up college and have the life I never thought I would have, or I could sacrifice my little miracle and live with the endless guilt that comes with that choice.
I don’t know what to do for the best, I need someone to make this decision for me, but the only other person who could do that has vanished from my life, possibly never to be seen again. He might not even want to acknowledge my existence anymore, which only leaves one other person.
I dread it, I can’t see this conversation going well at all, but I’ll have to call my mom…
17
Kade
Five years later…
It feels weird, being back here, in the place I grew up. It all looks so different now. I suppose it’s all exactly the same if I really look at it and it’s me that’s changed, but I still feel odd. After five years of travelling around the world, learning the business from the inside out, and seeing how other people live, I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I don’t quite belong here because I’m not the person who was here before.
When I left, all those years ago, it was in disgrace. Dad was annoyed with me, Mom was disappointed with me, and to be honest I was upset with myself. At twenty years old, I’d made a massive mess of my life by partying and being an idiot. I lost the chance to finish college, and it seemed like I had lost everything.
Now, at twenty five years old, I’m a different man. I know what it means to be an adult and to live as a man. I feel prepared to properly take on the family company and to do a good job of it as well/ I wasn’t ready for that before, I didn’t understand anything, but now I definitely am. Now I understand why I had to do it. I can’t wait to get inside and show my family who I have become. I hope they are proud. I know I am.
I step with purpose up towards the front door, getting myself back into the frame of being at home. I try to find a familiarity as I walk up the path to the front door, but there isn’t any to be found. It’s vague, like that life all happened to someone else. None of it relates to the person who I have become.
“Hello?” I call out as step tentatively through the front door. I peer around but I’m alone. “Is anyone home?”
They know that I’m coming, my dad has been in charge of my schedule ever since I left, but it seems like I’m not getting a big banner and a welcome home party. That’s okay, I’m not the person who needs the spotlight anymore. A hug from my mom will do. Through everything, I’ve still missed her. Whether that makes me a momma’s boy or not, I don’t know, but I really don’t mind. So what, I love my mom?
“Kade?” As I hear her excited voice, a heat swells in my chest. “Is that you? Oh my God, are you here?”
“I’m here, Mom,” I reply smilingly. “At the front door. Just walked in after a long flight.”
She bursts into the hallway and wraps her arms tightly around me. As she holds me close, I inhale her scent, and all the familiarity comes flooding back. The memories of my life here become so much clearer. It’s her that’s my home, not the building. She could be anywhere in the world and I would feel comfortable with her.
“Yes, we thought you might be jet lagged,” she says muffled, into my chest. “That’s why we haven’t made a fuss. We thought you might be too tired and you would just want to get some sleep, that’s all.”
“Well, I’ve become quite used to it, I’ve done a lot of it over the last five years, but I still don’t want a fuss. I would much rather hang out with you and Dad for the evening. I have a lot to talk to you about.”
“Oh, I bet.” She pulls back to look at me. I can see the happy tears in her eyes. “You’ve grown up so much as well. I can just tell. You look taller, and broader too. It’s like you’ve finally filled out into your frame.”
“Mom!” I yank myself away, utterly horrified. “Are you trying to say that I’ve gotten fat?”
She clutches her hands to her chest as if I’ve caused her actual pain by taking offense. I am only teasing, of course, and I think that she knows that deep down. She’s probably just playing me at my own game.
“No, you’ve gotten leaner!” she gasps. “Now that you’ve cut down on the drinking you look much better. No, what I mean is you’ve finally started to get that man body. You’re leaving boy you behind.”
I smirk with pride, loving how that feels. I might not have noticed the physical changes so much since I’ve seen myself every single day, the mental changes are evident to me. I much prefer who I’ve become.