What?
I stiffened.
Had I read her wrong?
She leaned forward, resting her arms on her desk, her hands folded together. She lowered her head, still watching me. “But you’re correct in your assessment. I started out by judging you based on your father, and I wouldn’t have admitted that. I see now that upsets you. I apologize.”
Whoa.
Really? A professor who apologized?
“But I’m still questioning if you’re ready to take on the load that you asked for this year. You’re doing the advanced docket, and that’ll put you at finishing next August. It’s double the load.”
I had no money.
That was the practical reason I wanted to finish as fast as I could.
Kash had money. Peter had money. I was staying with Kash, so he wasn’t making me pay rent, but I wasn’t comfortable with how dependent I actually was, and there was a difference between earning money and receiving money.
Call it the Hayes pride in me, but I wanted to earn my own way.
I’d been planning on updating computer systems at Brookley Hospital to cushion my bank account before starting graduate school. That hadn’t happened, so now I was left to decide between asking for money, getting a job, or holding my breath until I slid through school and got my own IT job.
I was holding my breath through the year.
I leaned forward. My hands relaxed and I rested them on the tops of my legs. “I’m only taking on one extra course this semester. I know first semesters for grad programs are always the hardest and most intensive. Next semester, I’m doing two extra courses, and I’m doubling up for both summer minis.”
“Most students want time for a break in the summer second quarter. Are you sure you want to go straight through?” She switched to her computer screen and moved the monitor so I could see what she was seeing. She had my schedule up there. “You’re doing one full internship course during your winter break. That’s not usually even allowed.”
But it was for me. I did the paperwork. I made the calls. I got the permission.
I didn’t have the internship, but I had the university’s approval to have it early.
I didn’t say any of that, because she knew it, too.
“I have to ask you again. Have you fully thought about the load you’re taking on? You’re going to have more responsibilities, being Peter Francis’s daughter, and I know who you’re dating. You will not have time to sleep, eat, or even shower. As your advisor, I’m advising against this load.”
“No.”
My response was swift and fierce.
Panic rose up in me, clawing, digging its cold tips into my insides, and I panicked at just feeling how acidic that panic was.
I needed school. She didn’t understand. I needed it. I needed it like breathing.
If I was being honest with myself, it wasn’t about doing it in a year. It was about being so distracted that I couldn’t think, couldn’t feel, couldn’t remember.
The remembering was the worst.
She saw my reaction. “What is this about? You’re looking like you’re about to have a panic attack.”
Attack.
Memories assaulted me.
“That bitch talked too long…”
“Throw her in the back of the van…”
“KASH!”
My own scream ripped me back to where I was sitting, and I physically jerked in my seat. The chair clattered against the floor, and all the while, Ms. Wells wasn’t looking happy. A full cloud of worry was hanging over her. And I was back to weather analogies. Lovely.
“I know what happened to you.” Her words were kinder. “You need the school in order to deal, don’t you?”
I was so tense, but my eyes snapped to hers and I couldn’t look away. My chest was imploding, pushing inside me, and I couldn’t. Fucking. Breathe.
I got a nod out.
Technology. Computers. Codes. That was my world. Mine. I was comfortable in it. I lived in it. It’d been my life, my security blanket, and it was where I needed to go again or I wouldn’t be able to deal. I could get lost in that world, and I needed it. I needed it more than I had realized until just now.
“That’s not why I wanted to do the advanced track. I didn’t know what would happen to me, but…”
She was nodding. She was looking all knowing and understanding, and I breathed easier when she said, “Okay. Let’s do this. We’ll be fine. I’ll help you with anything you need, and I should also let you know that I’ve been given personal phone numbers for your boyfriend and your father. If I need to use them, I was instructed to use them, but no one else has their numbers.”
She thought that was funny. Her top lip curved up.
I grinned back. “Do Busich and Goa know that last part?”
“Not one bit.”
That was the part that she liked.
FOUR
I told Matt about my advisor, about my classmates, about everything at Naveah that evening. We were squished into the VIP booth, he had an arm on the back of my seat, and he was turned toward me, shutting out the rest. His friends were across from us, girls around them.