“Oh.”

The word dropped between them like a stone, and the hurt on Alec’s face made Ed wince. He realised how his rejection might sound, and at the very least, he owed it to Alec to be honest.

“You need to understand. It’s not that I don’t want you… that I don’t want this.” He gestured between them. “You have no idea. I want this so badly it’s killing me to say no.” Ed took a deep breath. “But I’m out, Alec. For this relationship to have any future, I need to go out in public with you without you being afraid of what people are thinking. I need to be able to introduce you to my friends… to my family. I can’t hide. I won’t, not even for you.” He felt the sting of tears threatening and his voice was strained. “It’s not just about the hiding. I need you to be proud of who you are, because if you’re not… if you don’t accept yourself as a gay man, how can you truly accept me?”

Alec’s face was tight and drawn. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. It’s all so new. Can’t you give me a little time?”

Ed shook his head slowly. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been there, done that, and I’m not going back in the closet for anyone again. It’s too hard. I dated a guy at university who wasn’t out, and it was toxic. I felt like a guilty secret, and I can’t do that to myself again. His fear of being caught tainted everything. It made our whole relationship feel like something dirty and shameful. I can’t live like that.”

“I understand,” Alec said hoarsely. “It wasn’t fair of me to ask you.” He rolled away and got out of bed. “I’d better go and pack.”

Ed didn’t trust himself to speak. Part of him wanted to stop Alec from leaving, to tell him he’d changed his mind, to agree to see Alec in secret and hope it would be enough. Instead, he swallowed the words down and watched in silence as Alec dressed in his clothes from last night.

“I’ll meet you down in the lobby,” Alec said quietly. “We need to check out in half an hour. I’ll call reception and ask them to book us a taxi to take us to the airport.”

They sat in silence on the drive to Edinburgh airport. There was nothing to say, and their subdued mood was like a grey blanket weighing them down.

Alec was checking emails on his phone and typing a message to someone. Ed should probably check his inbox too, but he couldn’t muster up the energy. Instead he leaned his head against the window and watched the streets flash past. Buildings and cars, people going about their everyday lives. Ed wondered what troubles those people had, what losses they had to bear, what heartbreaks. From the outside you couldn’t tell when someone was hurting.

He glanced at Alec, and his face was like the stone of the tenements that lined the streets: hard and forbidding. Once Ed would have been intimidated by Alec when he looked like that, but now he knew him. He knew the humour and the capacity for tenderness that lay behind the harsh exterior. He’d glimpsed the bone-deep loneliness and vulnerability beneath. Regret pressed heavily on Ed’s chest. He felt as though his heart might split under the weight of it, though whether it was breaking for himself or for Alec, he wasn’t sure.

Alec tried to hide his tension as the plane prepared for take-off, but Ed noticed the way Alec had clenched his fist on his thigh and the way his leg jiggled as the engines got louder.

Ed reached for Alec’s hand and wrapped his own around it. Alec tensed, looking around quickly to see if anyone was watching them. They weren’t. The only people who could have seen them, even if they had looked, was a young couple across the aisle, and they were far too busy settling a fussy baby on the mother’s lap to pay any attention. Ed stroked the back of Alec’s hand with his thumb and Alec relaxed, his shoulders dropping slightly.

“Thanks,” he murmured.

“I still owe you big for the spider rescue.”

Alec gave a wan smile. “Speaking of which, how is your foot today?”

“Better after spending twelve hours in bed. I’ll take it easy for the rest of the weekend.”

“Good. It’s going to be a busy week. I’ll need you on your toes on Monday.”

In the final run-up to the signing of the purchase agreement later that week, the whole team would be working like maniacs, double-checking every detail so there wouldn’t be any last-minute hitches.

“Luckily my toes are fine,” Ed said. “But my heel still hurts like a bitch if I put too much weight on it. I hope you won’t need me to do too much running around. You might need to find another minion to do coffee and photocopier duty for a couple of days.”

Tags: Jay Northcote Erotic
Source: readsnovelonline.net