Part of it was Deacon’s reaction to me. I could tell he knew something was bothering me. It was written all over his face while we sat around the fire. He looked over at me throughout the evening like he was gauging what I was thinking or what emotions I was having. A couple of times he asked me leading questions meant to get me to open up and tell him what I was feeling and thinking.
In all honesty, I didn’t know what I would have said to him. Josh’s words were making me feel off-balance, and I didn’t like it.
My first day of being Gus’s apprentice had me hitting the ground running. He wasn’t going to let me just ease into it, considering I had already been shadowing him and doing small bits of work. Now that I’d proven myself enough that he was willing to give me full shifts of doing actual tattoo work rather than mixing it in with sitting behind the desk, he was going full speed.
It meant from the second I walked into the shop, every second was filled with meeting with clients, doing sketches, using pens to draw out designs on their skin to give them an idea of what their final pieces would look like, and actually tattooing small pieces. By the time lunch rolled around, I was starving.
I already knew I wasn’t going to have the chance to have a long, leisurely lunch. I’d let Deacon know he couldn’t come by to see me, and I’d brought a simple lunch with me so I could eat as quickly as I could and get back to work. While I was warming up some soup in the microwave of the small room at the back of the shop, I heard my phone alert me to a new message.
Thinking it had to be Deacon messaging me to say he was thinking about me or to ask how I was doing with the shift, I pulled my phone out and swiped through to the message screen. My stomach dropped a little when I saw the message wasn’t from Deacon but from Josh. And as soon as I read the message, my heart joined it.
It wasn’t a brief remark or an apology. Instead, it was a rambling message sent through in several pieces. The wording was jumbled and confusing, making me wonder if Josh was drunk when he sent it, but the meaning behind it was more than clear.
I stood at the microwave long after the timer went off, shaking slightly as I reread the message. It was obvious Josh was trying to hurt me. That was the entire purpose behind the message. He just wanted to grind into me and do everything he could to make me feel bad about myself. And he’d accomplished it. Whether he realized he was doing it or not, he not only clarified what he’d said when he left the diner, but he managed to hit me right where I was the most insecure.
Deacon was much older than me. The age difference had been front and center in my mind since I first saw him and realized how attracted to him I was. He was a man—grown, mature, established, and experienced. He’d seen the word in a way I hadn’t even begun to think about and experienced things I couldn’t even imagine.
Did that mean I was too young for him? Would he eventually think I was immature? Look at me like a child who couldn’t possibly share his life?
But it wasn’t just his age. He was worldly and impressive. He didn’t put on a tailored suit and tie to go to work or live in a big city, but he was skilled, intelligent, and successful. His business was just getting started, but it was already doing well, and he had so much drive and determination. Just as Josh had said in his message to me, Deacon could do so much better than just a waitress from a diner in a small town.
Before he asked me out, I thought I had control of myself. I reminded myself regularly that it was just a crush. He was a very attractive man, and so I was attracted to him. He was friendly and sweet when he wanted to be but also introspective and intense, which made him intriguing. It only made sense that I’d be interested in him. But that was it.
Then he asked me out. He made the first move, and all that distance I thought I’d managed to keep between the two of us disappeared. I got completely wrapped up in him from the start. He might not have realized it yet, but I’d offered my heart to him.
I had no idea how I would protect it when he inevitably got tired of me.