Cowboy Up (Lucas Brothers)
“I don’t want to hear about your girlfriends, Blue.”
“God, you’re a stubborn woman. I’ve told my sisters and my mother I love them—and you. That’s it, Doe. I don’t take those words lightly.”
“Blue—”
“I thought we were beyond this, baby. Is this why we haven’t told Adam he’s going to be a big brother? Why you treat me like a friend unless everyone is occupied, so you can sneak away?”
“I don’t do that,” she argues.
“Bullshit. I’ve been your dirty little secret for way too long.”
“You’re not my secret!”
“Then, what am I?”
“I don’t want to do this right now—not in the middle of street. Didn’t we just hear from the doctor that I need less stress not more?”
“Shit,” I hiss. “Let’s get you home.”
She looks at me, her face filled with so much sadness it’s like torture.
“Blue—”
“It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay,” I respond, kissing her forehead.
It’s probably the biggest lie I’ve ever told in my life.
Chapter 41
Meadow
Blue is silent as we drive down the road. The air between us is strained—and that’s putting it lightly. He’s gripping the steering wheel so tightly, I’m afraid it might break. I look out my window, but everything is a blur. I can’t focus. I’ve made a mess of this.
“Blue?”
“Yeah, baby?” he says, his voice gruff.
I lean my head against my window and angle it to look at him.
“I’m messing everything up,” I finally admit.
“It’s me. I shouldn’t have pressed you.”
“No, it’s me. I’m afraid.”
“You don’t have to be scared, Doe. Hell, as much as I love you, I’ll walk away before it hurts you.”
“That’s the last thing I want. It would hurt—”
“You don’t have to worry about Adam. I will always be a part of his life.”
“Blue—”
“And I will be a father to our child. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness—”
“Blue, stop.”
“Doe—”
“I said stop!” I practically yell. “It’s hard enough to get this out without you interrupting me.”
Blue turns down a graveled road. It doesn’t go anywhere, but it gets us off the highway. He pulls over into the grass.
“Doe, don’t get upset. It will be okay. We’ll figure this out. You want space. I’ll give you space. I won’t have you making yourself sick—”
“I don’t want space,” I snap. “I want you. I’ve always wanted you,” I admit, taking a breath and shuddering when I exhale.
Blue cuts the truck off and turns to look at me. “Now, I’m the one confused.”
“I’m scared, Blue. What happens when you start thinking a readymade family is not what you want? Where will that leave me? I lost you once. I might survive it again, but I wouldn’t want to and I’m not sure Adam could. He loves you. He loves being part of your family. He’s never had that. It has always just been me and him.”
“I told you I’ll always be here for Adam and our child.”
“I know,” I whisper, tears stinging my eyes. “I want you to be here for me.”
“Sweetheart, I thought that was a given.”
“You’re here because I’m pregnant, because you want me—”
“I’m here because I love you.”
“What if I don’t trust love anymore? You told me you loved me one day and two days later you needed a break.”
“Damn it, Doe.”
“Clark even said he loved me, and I believed him! But that’s not love is it, Blue? You don’t love someone when you promise to honor them, make them happy, cherish them, and then turn around and scream, cheat and hit them. You don’t make them feel less than human and take money that’s to buy your own child’s formula—just so you can waste it on alcohol and a damn card game.”
I feel Blue unlatching my seatbelt and pulling me closer, but I’m lost in my own memories now. “If that’s love then why would I want that again? Why would I want that for Adam? I’m too weak to protect him.”
“Doe, stop it. You did protect Adam. Your mom said you left the minute Adam was in danger. That you held on because Clark promised to change. That’s not weak, baby. It takes courage to leave someone who uses your own fear and love for your son against you.”
“It doesn’t feel like courage,” I sob as the tears fall—tears I never allowed myself to shed—even while married to Clark. “It feels pathetic. Even after I left, I came back to take care of him while he was dying. What kind of idiot does that, Blue?”
“You didn’t go back. You took care of your child’s father while he was dying. I can’t begin to understand what you felt, but I know your heart and I know why you did it.”
“Do you? Because I sure as hell don’t,” I laugh sarcastically, even through my tears.
“You gave your son time to get to know the man Clark was when you met him.”
“Maybe, or maybe I’m just a masochist, right?”