Cowboy Up (Lucas Brothers)

“Doe—”

“I mean here I am back with you after you treated me like you hated me—”

“Doe—”

“Here I am praying you choose me and expecting you to tell me once again you need time. What’s that old saying? Trick me once, shame on me. Trick me twice….”

I stop talking. I honestly don’t have anything left in me. I never faced Blue all those years ago. I let him go. I didn’t fight. I didn’t scream. How I’ve regretted that over the years. I learned from my father, though. Men don’t stay—no matter how much you want them to.

Unless they’re like Clark and suck the life and willpower out of you….

“It’s not the same, Doe.” He braces his hands on each side of my face and stares straight at me. “It’s not the same. I’m sitting beside you, loving you, and promising you that I am here beside you until I draw my last breath.” His finger moves along the side of my cheek. “I’m not Clark, baby,” he whispers gently.

I force myself not to buy into his sweetness. I ignore the sincerity in his eyes. How many times do I need to be shown that you can’t trust men?

“How long would you stay this time, Blue? Until another beautiful, adventurous Diana Jenkinson comes along.”

“That makes twice you’ve brought that up, Doe. Maybe it’s time to get it off your chest,” he says, dropping his hands and letting me go. I slide back to my side of the truck.

“She’s a reminder to me,” I finally admit, looking out at the scenery, just realizing that we’re in the middle of Traders Apple Orchard.

I used to love this place when I was younger. Now, it just serves as a reminder of days that I thought were wonderful and days that weren’t enough for Blue. I look down at my hands, picking invisible lint from my pants.

“You’re going to have to give me more than that, Doe.”

“My first lesson came from my dad when he left.”

“What lesson?” he asks. I’m lost deep in thought. I can hear him, but my answer is not really responding to him as much as finishing the thoughts in my head.

“You were my second lesson.”

“Doe, baby—”

“I’m not enough, Blue. I never have been. Clark was good to me. He promised to love and take care of me. Held onto me and treated me like a queen—until we got married and then slowly, he began changing and that’s when I knew I should have paid attention to the lessons you and my father taught me. I’m not enough to make anyone happy. That’s why Clark changed. That’s why my father left and that’s why you walked away from me, too.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. I love you, Doe. I’ve always loved you.”

“What does that mean, Blue? I mean, my dad loved me. He told me that often enough. It didn’t make him stay. Then, there’s you. You told me you loved me, too. You still left.”

“I didn’t stop loving you. I just had things to figure out, Doe. I was a kid and we’d been together since the third grade. I just needed to make sure—”

“God, I wish you knew how much it hurts when you say that—maybe then you would quit repeating it.”

“It’s the fucking truth,” he growls.

“I suppose Diana Jenkinson help you figure things out, Blue?”

“Are you accusing me of sleeping with her?”

“Now, why would I do that?” I reply, sarcasm so thick in my words that it’s a wonder I don’t choke on them.

“Diana has nothing to do with our relationship, Doe.”

“That’s not exactly true, is it? She’s the reason I gave up on you.”

“I’m sorry?” he asks, his face going pale.

“Did you think your little escapades wouldn’t get back to me, Blue? I know I was shy, but I had friends. It didn’t matter, though. Diana came to me directly and let me know all about your little party at the Armadillo Motel. Jesus, couldn’t you have at least sprung for something besides a rat motel?”

“Why didn’t you come to me, Doe? Why didn’t you ask me?” he asks, his face pale and not denying anything. Then again, there’s no way he can.

“Why should I? You broke up with me. Besides, her boyfriend, Kevin, admitted it when I asked him. He felt sorry for me. I felt sorry for myself.”

“I don’t care what they said, Doe. I didn’t touch Diana. Not once.”

I laugh—the sound sad.

“No, you didn’t. What you did was enough to tell me I was never going to be the girl for you—break or not.”

“That’s where you’re fucking wrong, Doe. I was a kid. My friends were talking about things they’d done. I mean, hell, it flipped something on inside of me. I thought it might be something I wanted. I was young and stupid.”