‘There’s no point. There’s nothing to say.’
‘I can’t let you go, Kitty. Not like this. It’s late, and you’re upset.’
She shook her head and she heard him breathe out unsteadily.
‘Then I’ll go. I’ll get a hotel.’
‘No.’ She turned. ‘Why should you leave? It’s your home.’
‘It’s your home too.’
She tried not to look at him, but she just couldn’t stop herself. ‘It’s not. It never was. It just felt like it could be when we were at the plantation—’
He took a step forward. His green eyes were fixed on her face, and he looked pale and shaken. ‘Nothing’s changed except our location.’
‘No, everything’s changed.’ She felt a flash of panic. She could feel herself wavering, wanting to believe what he was saying, longing to trust the hope in his eyes.
‘Because I told you I love you?’
‘And I told you that I don’t believe in love,’ she said.
He reached for her hand. ‘No, you said you can’t believe in love, that you can’t feel that way again.’
He was right. She could remember saying the words—saying them when she had been still in shock from finding out that she was pregnant with his baby.
‘But you do love me, Kitty. I know you do. And I know we can make this work.’
She tried to pull her hand away, but he didn’t let go.
‘So why are you running away?’
She didn’t reply, and his eyes searched her face.
‘Is it guilt? Do you think you don’t deserve to be happy again? Because you do. You deserve it more than anyone I’ve ever known. You’ve been through so much, and you’ve been so strong and brave.’
Brave.
The word tasted bitter in her mouth.
Breathing out unsteadily, she looked up at him and shook her head. ‘I’m not brave. I’m the opposite of brave. You want to know why I can’t marry you? It’s because I’m scared.’
He stared at her in silence, his eyes digging into hers. ‘Kitty, I don’t—’
Tugging her hand free, she took a step backwards. ‘I know. You don’t understand. And I get that. I get that you need things that I can’t give you.’ Her eyes caught sight of the thin raised scar on his arm. ‘You live your life taking risks. You don’t feel fear. I knew that the first time we met.’
Gazing down at Kitty’s pale, strained face, César felt his skin tighten. Was that what she believed? He wanted to laugh, except there was something blocking his throat.
He thought back to the years he’d spent masking his easy-going trusting nature—the years he’d spent avoiding romantic attachments. Of course the sexual need had been there, and he’d taken care of that. Only he wasn’t just talking about the women who had briefly shared his bed but never his life. Riding bikes, jumping out of planes, diving to the sea bed—they had all been a way to test his limits, to make his heart beat faster.
In a way that didn’t actually threaten his heart in the emotional sense.
And somehow, over the years, he’d come to believe that it was enough—that the high of reaching the peak of a mountain was the same as the rush of seeing the face of the woman you loved light up when she saw you walk in the room.
Only it wasn’t. And deep down he’d always known that. But he hadn’t been able to admit it to himself. Hadn’t been able to admit that that he chose to take risks with his life because he was scared of risking his heart. Scared of reaching out. Scared of sharing his life. Scared of trying for happily-ever-after and for ever.
He looked at Kitty.
But he was tired of being scared. And he was going to fight for Kitty even if that meant laying his feelings bare.