‘I’m OK.’ She almost couldn’t believe it had happened. Would have thought it a dream except for the burning between her legs and the residual warmth in her muscles.
‘Bullshit. That was unrestrained. Too fast.’ He spun to face her. ‘It could have been a lot better for you. It should have been.’
‘Sleep with a lot of virgins, do you?’
‘You’re the first. But I know a woman needs to be ready. You weren’t ready.’
He swore then. Almost as bad as that night of her birthday.
Sitting on the sofa, she squeezed her eyes shut. Not wanting to cope with the anger she could hear. Past and present merged for a moment, making her feel sick.
‘Sorry to sully your ears, sweetheart, but you…you…’ He was pointing at her with his finger like some authoritarian figure from Victorian years. Then she noticed that the finger was shaking slightly.
‘Don’t think yourself a villain, Jared.’ She stood, emboldened by that faint sign of emotion other than anger in him. ‘I was willing.’ She attempted a laugh. ‘I finally got what I wanted.’
‘Why are you crying, then, if it was what you wanted?’
‘I’m not crying.’
‘Then what are these?’
Surprisingly gentle fingers moved fast, wiping under her eyes, then he pressed them to her mouth.
‘Taste it,’ he insisted. ‘Salt, Amanda.’
But not only that. His fingers tasted of her. Smelt of her. An intimacy she’d never known. Her eyes widened, senses reeling. He snatched his hand away. Swore again. Short and pithy this time.
Another unbidden, unwanted tear rolled down her cheek and turning she swished it away. ‘I guess this isn’t exactly the aftermath I expected.’
‘What the hell did you expect?’ He swung her to face him. ‘I’m not about to get romantic on you, Amanda.’
‘I know that,’ she snapped.
‘You really are still that spoilt child. You’ve no clue, have you? You could get pregnant.’
‘Actually I’m not that naive, Jared. I’m on the pill. But I guess I might have to worry about other things.’
‘No, you don’t,’ he said, white about the nostrils. ‘Incredible as it may seem to you, that’s the first time I’ve ever had unprotected sex. I’m clean. You won’t catch anything from me.’
They stared at each other—both lost for any more words.
She couldn’t believe anything that had happened in the last half-hour. That the conversation had descended like this. There wasn’t even the comfort of a post-coital hug. Not even the pretence of friendship to ease the awkwardness.
She walked to the table, started to gather up her papers. Once she’d stuffed them together she turned, caught him looking at her with a face that was now pale.
‘We can go over those another time.’ He gave her file a quick glance. ‘I’ll take you home now. You should have the rest of the day off.’
‘I’m fine, Jared. I’ll go back to the office.’
‘You’re going to be able to concentrate on work now?’ He shook his head. ‘You need to go home. You need to…’
Cry some more? His voice had trailed away but she knew he was right. She had no chance of coping with work now. Truthfully she just wanted to click her heels and be home alone and able to bury her head in her pillow for ever and ever and ever.
How could this have gone from something so sublime to so awful?
Instead she glanced at her watch. Good grief. It was only a bit after ten-thirty in the morning. His office door hadn’t even been locked. Anyone could have walked in and caught them. She’d just lost her virginity in unplanned, almost unprotected sex first thing in the morning with a man who didn’t even like her let alone love her.
But, oh, how she’d wanted it. Hadn’t she done it deliberately? Pushed him?
‘Amanda, I’m—’
‘Please don’t apologise, Jared,’ she said, icily polite. ‘I asked for it. I wanted it.’ What was more she’d enjoyed it—after the initial shock. And she didn’t want him ruining it further by making it even more obvious how much he regretted it.
He drove on the outside edge of the speed limit. The awkwardness created an impenetrable cone of silence between them.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Amanda was the one with regrets now.
Not that it had happened—she would never regret that—but she did regret that it could be nothing more and that it would only be that once.
She didn’t have to give him any directions; he obviously remembered well from the other night. As they pulled up outside the building she undid her seat belt, eager for a quick escape. But he had the engine off and the key out and was out the door just as fast.