“Why not? He cares for you. Shit, he saved your life.”
I let out a deep sigh, “Because every time I close my eyes, I see my dead mother on the bathroom floor. If I talk to him before I’m ready, I’ll completely lose it and won’t be able to cope. He was there. He saw what was going to happen to me.”
Melanie scoffs, “Really? That’s your excuse? Raya, now’s not the time to start pushing him away.”
I clean my mouth with a napkin, place my empty plate into the sink, and make my way upstairs. Melanie jumps from her seat and runs up behind me.
She pulls on my arm, spinning me around. “Don’t walk away. People are here to take care of you. Don’t you see that?”
I jerk my arm out of her grasp and run up the stairs.
“Raya, come on!”
I run inside the bedroom, slam the door shut, and hear Melanie’s mom shout, “Melanie, give her some space. She’ll come around once she’s ready. Don’t push her.”
I lie down on the bed, wiping away new tears. A few minutes later, a soft knock sounds at the door, “Raya, I’m sorry. Don’t be mad. Just…please don’t shut me out.”
Ignoring her request, I turn over to look out the window and lock myself away for the rest of the day.
If someone told me a month ago that I would share the best and worse night of my life on the same day, I would’ve probably laughed in their face. And here I am, five days later, standing in Melanie’s living room, wearing nothing but black. Luckily, she had a black dress to loan me as I obviously, I don’t have one lying around. She even combed my hair and pinned it up nicely. It’s somewhat manageable today and has a tiny hint of elegance to it.
I make my way outside and sit on the front steps and breathe in the cool spring air. Spring was my mom’s favorite season. I imagine her face lighting up as she smells a fresh tulip. She clasps her hands as the breeze blows through her long dark hair and she rejoices while soaking up the warm sun. She would say something like, “Let’s go to the ranch and visit the horses.” She always loved animals; it’s a shame we couldn’t have any pets. And now, she won’t ever be able to see the horses again.
While imagining her face, I sense Melanie sit beside me on the steps. She wraps her hand around my head and rests it on her shoulder. Giving me a quick kiss on the forehead, she caresses my arm.
“Are you ready for this?”
“No. I will never be ready to say good-bye.”
Melanie stands up, pulls me into a hug, and squeezes hard.
“You can do this, Raya. Be strong for her. She would have wanted you to.”
I wrap my arm around her in response, “I miss her so much. I can’t do this without her.”
Before I know it, we are both a blubbering mess, wiping away each other’s tears. A few minutes later, we make the drive to the funeral home in complete silence.
Surprisingly more people attend the funeral than I expect. I cry during the entire service, but with Melanie by my side, it isn’t so bad. After the funeral mass, we make our way to the burial site. As we arrive, I see the priest hand out tulips to the attendees. Melanie guides me to the front, and as we pass, a few spectators are staring at me and whispering to one another. As we approach the front of the crowd, the white casket comes into view, covered in tulips and other floral arrangements. A few sprays are positioned near the casket as well.
Duke is standing to my right, holding a serenity wreath. He looks up at me and smiles gently. My breath catches and my heart stirs in a static beat. I have the urge to run into his arms, but fight the instinct. I break away from his stare and focus on the priest’s prayer. After his final blessings, he invites us all to recite The Lord’s Prayer, Our Father.
Realization hits me. This is the last time I’ll be with her. Tears immediately pour down my face and my knees almost give out. Luckily, Melanie is next to me and reaches out to hold me up. My sobs cause my chest to heave up and down. I feel my soul literally split in half as the only family I have left is lowered into the ground. The priest asks us to now toss our tulips onto the lowered casket and we do so in unison. Duke walks up beside me and tosses his wreath onto the pile of tulips. He reaches his hand down and grabs hold of mine.
Melanie leaves us alone and walks toward her parents. I continue to bawl with Duke by my side, his arms tightly wrapped around me and cradling me as I weep and weep. The crowd slowly dissipates until Duke and I are the only ones left.
He turns me to face him and lifts my head to look into his eyes, “I’m so sorry, Raya. I wish I could have saved her.”
My body shivers and convulses as the tears slide down my face. I turn to look down at the casket and cry out, falling to my knees.
“How could you leave me?”
Duke wraps his arms from behind and pulls me up but my body is unresponsive. I feel it completely shut down as pain and heartache fill my lungs. The howls from my screams echo throughout the cemetery.
He pulls me up to my feet, “Raya, look at me.”
I shake my head in rebuttal so he grabs my chin and forces me to look into his eyes, “Don’t do this. Don’t shut down. I need you, Raya.”
I nod my head, pulling him into a hug. He whispers, “I want to tell you something.”