His gaze narrowed at me, a flash of anger pulsing through his eyes. “What the fuck, Zoey? What more do you want from me? I’m not perfect, and I never pretended to be. Can you stop trying to force me or our relationship into some idyllic mold you have in your head? You want me to touch you. I want to touch you. So why are you denying yourself?”
I waved at him and shoved off the couch. “Because of this right here. The moment I give an inch, you’ll sweep in and take down all my defenses. I barely have any dignity left to begin with. I can’t compromise it for you.”
“What does offering a little comfort have to do with your dignity, or mine?” He swept his gaze from my head to my toes as if he’d never seen me before. Like he’d assessed me, and I didn’t hold up.
How could I make him understand? Every time he told me nothing else would pop up to get between us, he’d lied. And every single time I wanted to believe he’d keep his word and told me the truth about everything. Not just what he decided was good for me to know.
He hadn’t learned the lesson yet, and I wasn’t willing to fold this time, even if all I wanted to do was crawl onto his lap and let him hold me.
“If you don’t understand why I’m pushing you away, then I can’t help you.”
He exploded off the couch and headed toward the bedroom. Anger vibrated through every step.
Oh, hell no.
I stalked him to the bed and stood over him as he sank onto the mattress. “No. You don’t get to be mad at me when you’re the one keeping secrets. Tell me what you’re hiding, and I’ll drop it.”
He shook his head. “I highly doubt it. You’ll ride this out until you find something else to be upset about. Another infraction I’ve committed you can use to keep me at arm’s length.”
This was why rich people had so many heavy antique knick-knacks lying around. I wished I had one of his fancy baubles to throw at him.
Instead, I had to use my words like a normal person. “You’re an asshole. I’ve said it before, and I repeat the statement. You know what? I already know some of what you’re trying to keep from me. I doubt it’s the only thing you’re hiding but the Captain’s spirit or whatever was super chatty.”
It was a lie, but I didn’t care. For once, I wanted him to feel the same uncertainty he seemed content to let me wallow in.
He was barely breathing. “What did he say?”
Nope. Not happening. He should know by now I don’t give up that easily.
“I’m not going to provide you information you already have.”
That statement only made him relax, his shoulders settling back. He thinks I don’t actually know anything. Or it’s a ploy to make me admit what the Captain really said.
Damn it. We shouldn’t have to play these fucking mind games. Not when we’re on the same side.
His relief at my response also terrified me. If he was no longer demanding answers, and he thought I knew nothing, then his secret might have been bigger than what I knew.
He’d never been forthcoming. Every time we had a meaningful conversation, I felt like I had to drag his feelings out of him. Yet he had the gall to be angry at me right now.
Before I did something I couldn’t take back, I walked around the bed and stared out the window. It was mid-day and the buildings were reflecting the light around the city like mirrors. It was beautiful. Unfortunately, I was too pissed off to enjoy it.
With my back still to him, I asked, “Is this our life now? We’ll just keep fighting each other until finally, we’re too screwed up to take on anyone else? What happens to Esteban then? Who will go after him if we can’t get our shit together long enough to finally face him?”
I hated the hint of panic on the end of my voice. The slight wobble which betrayed my emotions to him.
He didn’t try to comfort me again, and I was thankful I didn’t have to shake him off in another rejection. Despite what he thought, I hated pushing him away. But it was the only thing I could think to do in self-preservation. The only way I could think to protect my heart, especially since it was already completely and irrevocably his.
“We’re in this together, Zoey. Even if you’re fighting me about it the entire way.” His voice is a lot closer, and I glanced over my shoulder.
He put himself between me and the bank of windows. “Do you understand what I’m saying? I’m not going to leave you. You’re not going to lose me. So, stop being so stubborn. You don’t have to be the strongest person in the room all the time.”
Gods. He was a man! And a Fae at that.
And like any other man, he’d never understand how much of who I was I’d had to build up to protect myself. Not just from getting my heart broken, but to keep myself sane in a world built by men who saw every slip of emotion as a weakness. Many of them weren’t afraid to strike the moment they spotted it.
Instead of trying to explain, I said, “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t trust you. It’s gone and I don’t think I’ll be able to get it back. I’ve given you so many chances to be honest with me. To talk to me instead of shutting me out, so many chances that I don’t even know what number we’re on now. It’s always been because I want to see the best in you, but then you go and pull this shit.”
He swallowed so heavily I could hear it. “Zoey...”