I closed my eyes and made a vow to myself. Esteban will die. Not just to keep my promise to the Captain, but to avenge his death.
As I laid there, I realized how much this mission was no longer about my parents. It felt a bit like a betrayal, to them. Like I’d lost my original focus.
Did that mean that I didn’t care as much about them as I should?
A sob escaped my throat, and I splayed my fingers over my mouth to stifle any more. I’d mourned my parents a long time ago, but the Captain’s death was still fresh. It hurt like a jagged wound to the gut.
“Are you all right?” a deep voice asked from the shadows of the lounge room.
I startled, but then I caught sight of the low light splashed across ridiculous cheekbones and relaxed.
“Yes, I’m fine. What the hell are you doing sitting there watching me sleep?”
Fin shook his head, his shoulders slumped in a way that could almost be described as defeated. “No, I thought I felt...”
“What?”
“Harlan,” he said. He stared off at the wall, refusing to meet my eyes.
I could tell him about the dream, and what the Captain had told me, but not right now. Not while ugly secrets were burrowed between us.
We’d never had an easy relationship, but somehow, with him refusing to help me breach the distance, it seemed harder. And under the heavy weight of the Captain’s death, it didn’t feel like it was worth the effort. Not today, not right now.
I rolled onto my side and tucked my hand under the pillow so I could see him better without craning my neck.
Finally, he dragged his gaze back to mine, but a sheen covered his eyes. Like he didn’t want me to see him cry. A stupid notion considering he just watched me wake up and have a mini break down.
“Are you okay?”
“No,” he whispered. “I don’t think I am. Not right now.”
“That’s fine. We don’t have to be okay all the time. But maybe let’s not watch me sleep in the future. It’s creepy as hell.”
A jagged laugh burst from him and he shook his head. “Sorry, I couldn’t sleep, and I kept wanting you beside me so I came out here to sit, hoping that being close to you would help. Obviously, it didn’t in the sleep department, but I stayed anyway.”
He gave another shake of his head like he’d talked himself out of saying something. “Where’d you go? I thought I felt magic.”
I waved around the room like LeVar Burton. “No magic, remember? I don’t know what you felt, but it wasn’t me going anywhere. I just had a dream.”
There was no way to tell if he believed me, not in near darkness with so many other emotions flashing across his face in regular intervals.
“Was there something else you wanted to talk about?” I asked. “You seem like you need to say something.”
When he didn’t answer, I kept my eye on him as I snuggled deeper into my blankets. It was still dark outside, and I needed way more sleep than my Captain interrupted dreams supplied.
How did we get here again?
Or how did we keep coming back here?
Secrets and lies. I was so tired of them ruining everything good in my life. Well, secrets, lies, and fucking Esteban.
The Captain’s little hint about me being Fin’s mate was still ringing in my head. As I watched Fin, I wanted to ask him what it meant, and yet, if it was what he is refusing to talk to me about, I didn’t want to hear him reject my attempts to draw him out again. It was way too fucking early in the day for that.
I knew nothing about fae mates, or what it meant to be someone’s mate. Even worse, what my mage blood might contribute to the whole damn mess.
I made a note in my head to try and learn what I could on my own, since I doubted Fin would give me any details, and it was way too obvious to ask him after waking up from that dream.
“I’m tired,” Fin whispered into the quiet room, only the tinkle of the dying embers in the hearth to compete with the sound.