I start the car and drive down the street toward my big, empty house. It's the same one that I lived in when Nash and I were married, and it's definitely too big, but I don't have the strength to sell it. I know it sounds stupid, but it's like the very last thing that I have that was part of Nash's and my life together. I can't part with it.
I get a block down the street, and there are headlights in my rearview mirror. I don't even get worried as the lights shine in my eyes. I know exactly who it is. Since the divorce, anytime I drive at night, it's been Nash that has followed me home. More and more lately. It’s like when we were married he was never in town, and now he’s here all the time. I wasn't lying when I told him that I feel like I see him more now that we're divorced than when we were married. It's the truth. If he had given me just half the attention he gives me now, we probably could have worked things out. I don't know what is going on with him, but I won't let myself get into a situation to get hurt again. I don't think I could survive it.
When I pull into the driveway, Nash's Suburban stops at the end of the driveway. I push the button to open the garage and pull in. As soon as I'm in, I push the button again to close the garage doors, and I watch as Nash’s SUV disappears in the rearview mirror. I get out of the car and walk into the house, turning off the security system as I walk through the door. That's one thing that he always stressed as important. He always wanted to make sure I was safe. There were so many times that I felt he was trying to be controlling and maybe too possessive, but he promised me it was only because he wanted me protected. It wasn't until I realized exactly how dangerous his job really was that I discovered his need to keep me safe was the truth.
I step out of my shoes and stop at the entryway, picking up the mail that the mailman had put through the slot of the door. I leaf through the envelopes, and there's one that calls out to me. I drop all of the other letters on the table and stare at the official-looking white envelope. In big bold letters on the upper lefthand side is the name of the adoption agency that I recently applied to. I hurriedly open the envelope, unfolding the paper that was inside and scan the words in front of me. "I'm sorry, but at this time we are unable to process your application. Please reach out to us in the future when your circumstances have changed."
I let my hands fall, and the letter smacks against my leg. Circumstances? I shake my head in disbelief. There are so many kids in this world that need somebody to love them. I could do that, but time after time, I get denied because I am a single woman.
I had all of these dreams when I was married to Nash. He never believed that he could be a good father, but I always thought I would be able to change his mind. When we got married, I thought it was going to be forever. At least I wanted it to be. I had no idea how many days, nights, weeks, months I would go without even seeing him. Sometimes not even knowing where he was at in this world. And then when he was home, he was still thinking about work. I know what he does is important, and I would never want him to give that up, but I guess I just wanted more for us.
I walk into my home office and go straight to the board I have hanging on my wall. With a black marker, I scratch off the name of the adoption agency that just sent me the rejection letter. There's two more on the list I have not heard back from yet. I haven't given up all hope yet. I can't. I know that there is a child out there that needs me, and I'm not going to let anything stop me from doing this. It would've been easier with Nash as my husband. Heck, that's what I always wanted, but somehow I have to force myself to change my dreams a little, even if I don't really want to.
Chapter 5
Nash
I’m not on my game. This whole day, I’ve felt off. Usually, I trust my gut and put myself on high alert, but since my talk with Emery the other night, I’m sure it’s that. Emery is all I’ve thought about.