“Yeah,” I murmur.
Tris blows out a big breath, seeming to gear himself up for something. “How…” he trails off before squeezing my hand and looking directly at me. I keep my focus on the painting, not wanting to give him my full attention.
This is the first time I’ve seen Tris on his own since before I moved out of his house a couple of months ago. It’s never been awkward between us, but right now, I know this isn’t going to be an easy conversation, and the person I’ve become since being in here wants him to leave.
“How is everything?” he finally manages to ask.
A laugh escapes me before I cut my eyes to his. “Everything is wonderful. Can’t you tell?” I wave my hand at myself and in particular the legs I still can’t feel. “Life is just spiffy.”
“Spiffy?” His lips quirk up at the corner and I can’t help a genuine chuckle leaving my throat.
He lets go of my hand when I pull it back to wipe away the tear that escaped as he stands up and pulls something out of his pocket. I frown when he turns and places it on the small unit next to my bed.
“Clay wanted me to bring this to you.”
I try to twist around to see it, but when he sees I’m struggling, he picks it back up and hands it to me.
The tears of laughter turn to tears of sadness. “He did?” I ask, my voice breaking on the words.
“Yeah.” I look back up at Tris, taking in the soft smile on his face. “They want to come and vis—”
“No,” I grind out. “They can’t see me like this.”
“A—”
“I mean it, Tris, I don’t want them in this place.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off by handing him back the block of words I used to use every day with the kids.
He huffs long and slow before leaning back in the seat, spreading his legs out in front of him. When I look back at him, his gray eyes bore into mine, trying to see inside, but it doesn’t matter how hard he tries, he won’t see anything.
“Nate said you’re still not talking.” He’s silent a beat. “To him.” I shrug, not willing to tell him why I won’t say anything to Nate and why I’m only talking the bare minimum to everyone else. “Don’t push him away, A. I know what it’s like to push away the one person you need the most. Look what happened with me and Harm: I almost lost her for good.”
I roll my eyes but keep my lips sealed. He waits for me to answer, but when I don’t, he continues. “I’ve never seen Nate like this with anyone. He’s completely besotted with you.” I grit my teeth as he talks like we’re having a normal conversation. “He’s not going to give up on you, you know.”
Closing my eyes, I take a deep, calming breath, chanting in my head over and over again not to say a word.
“He’s gonna be there no matter what, just like all of us are. We—”
“Stop,” I grind out.
“—love you, we care about you. We’re not going to turn our backs on you—”
“You already did!” I shout, my hands forming into fists on top of the hospital blanket. His eyes widen and his head reels back. “You kicked me out of your house; a house that was my home for six years.” I take a breath but it doesn’t make it all the way in. “So don’t you dare sit there and tell me you’re going to be here no matter what.”
“I’m sorry,” he croaks, but I’m so mad right now that I can’t see the sincerity in his apology. I turn my head away from him, wanting him to leave almost as much as I want to be able to walk away from him. “A, I’m so sorry.” He takes ahold of my fist. “I’ll never forgive myself for not hearing you out and making you leave.” The sound of his voice breaking has tears springing to my eyes again. I tell myself not to look over at him, but some invisible force has me turning my head. “I made a huge mistake, and I don’t blame you if you don’t want to see me. But I’ll still come here and sit in silence with you if that’s what you want, because I love you.”
I swallow against the lump in my throat. For some reason, when Tris says it, I believe him one hundred percent. It’s not that I don’t believe Nate when he says he’ll be here, but I think I’m more afraid of losing Nate and never having what we had before.
I nod before lifting my free hand to swipe away the tear slowly rolling down my cheek as he stands up.
“I love you, too, Tris.”
He leans forward, planting a kiss on my forehead before pulling back. “Give Nate a break. Talk to him, let him know you’re still in here.” He taps his finger against my temple. “Give him something.”
“I… I don’t know if I can,” I confess. “What if I let him in but he can’t handle…” I flit my gaze down to my legs. “What if I don’t get the feeling back? What if he can’t handle me never being able to walk again?”
Tris cups my face with both of his large hands, his gaze boring into me. “He’ll love you with or without your legs. Trust me, Nate is never like this. I’m his best friend, I know these things.”