I feel his arm wrap around my waist and I lean my head on his shoulder, practically letting him carry me out of there.
“You know where you’re going?” Jackson asks, following us to the door and reeling off my address.
He kisses my head as Corey places me in the car and I manage to stay awake long enough to see him get into the drivers’ side. I turn my head, moaning when the cold leather on the seat touches my cheek.
“Fuck me,” I hear Corey breathe.
“Huh?” I ask, swallowing against my scratchy throat and starting to drift off to sleep when he roars the engine to life.
“Nothing,” he says, clearing his throat. “Rest your eyes, you’ll be home soon.”
How did I not know that Jackson and Ava would be here?
Now that I’ve had time to think about it, it all makes sense but I don’t know how to feel about it.
On one hand, I’m happy that I’ll be close to her for the next few weeks but on the other, I want to stay away from her.
She evokes emotions and feelings that I don’t want, or need.
I don’t have time for them and I can’t bring myself to admit that I see her in a way that I shouldn’t. She doesn’t need someone like me.
It wasn’t meant to be like this. I was meant to come home, check on the bar and wait to be called back in, that’s it.
I take a look at her sleeping face and sigh, I wasn’t meant to be here feeling all fuckin’ flowery, butterflies and shit, but she brings it out in me.
After taking Ava home, I sat and waited until Jackson turned up the next morning.
He comes in and I tell him that she’s still sleeping and that I have to go. There’s no way that I can be around the both of them, not when I think there’s something more going on than them just being friends... or siblings... whatever the hell they are.
I’m going around in a never ending loop and it’s starting to wear me down. I need to get out of here, clear my head and forget about her but it’s really not that simple.
Even if she’s not with Jackson, that doesn’t mean she can ever be mine. Not only am I way too old for her but I just can’t do to her what I know will inevitably happen. I’ll have to leave to do my job and I’ll be away too long, she’ll find someone else, or she’ll wait, and we’ll only be able to see each other for a couple of weeks a year. I can’t do that to her.
She needs someone who will be there all the time, to love and cherish her, to be her other half and most importantly, be there to protect her.
Not someone like me, who’s only here every now and again.
I’m the type of guy who enjoys one night of fun and likes the fact that I can walk away the next morning. I don’t do hearts and I certainly don’t do flowers.
After watching my mom die of cancer and seeing what it did to my dad, how it destroyed him as a man, as a father, I vowed never to fall in love.
It ripped him apart when we lost her and there’s no way that I’ll put anyone through that and with my line of work, it’s a very strong possibility that something could happen to me.
It’s one of the reasons why I enlisted in the first place. I didn’t want to leave Kay behind but I knew that if I didn’t get out of there as soon as I could then I’d end up just like my dad and there was no way I was letting that happen.
People see me as this protective guy and I am for the most part, especially when it comes to my family.
For the last eighteen months, I’ve replayed over and over again what happened that day with Ava. What I should have done differently. How I should have probably handed her over to someone else but when I remember her eyes, the eyes that pulled me in to the point of never being able to look away again, I knew I wouldn’t have done anything differently.
Maybe I should have distanced myself from her after we were back at the compound but once I was in, that was it. Being the only person who she would go near made things even more difficult and at the time, I didn’t have a clue where things would end up.
I had no idea I’d end up not being able to get her out of my head every second of the day and no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t shake her.
After driving to my new apartment, I banish the thoughts from my head, grab my bag out of the car and walk into the building that I’ll now call home.
I only need a small place so renting an apartment, not far from the bar, is ideal.
Living out of one bag is getting old and even if I only have a TV and a couch to my name, at least they’re mine.