The house is silent, the sun not yet risen in the sky. I wish it never would. I want the darkness to surround me, to reflect how I feel, but I know it won’t happen. It’ll rise high in the sky and everyone will wake up and go about their day, not caring or knowing that I’m falling apart from the inside out.
Pulling the covers aside, my feet land on the carpeted floor, my muscles aching with the movement. Standing up, I keep my head low as I walk across the room—Luke’s old bedroom—causing the floorboards to squeak. I freeze, waiting, listening. But after several minutes and no other noises in the house, I continue forward, nothing else on my mind but to get to the shower and wash away the feel of him—the scent of him. My nose wrinkles as I scratch my nails along my arm before opening the door and walking down the hallway, locking myself in the small bathroom and turning the shower on.
I pause, embracing the steam as it envelops me, covering the whole bathroom, and then finally I feel ready to strip off my clothes. To bare my skin to the air.
I throw the sweatpants and t-shirt into the corner of the room before stepping under the scalding water. My pale skin turns red from the heat, but it’s not enough. I need to get the feel of him off me, but it doesn’t matter how many times I scrub my skin, he’s still there.
He’ll always be there.
I hiccup a sob, my hand covering my mouth, sure someone will hear me. I don’t want to be weak, I don’t want to feel like this. But I can’t stop the tears as they stream down my face just like the water out of the showerhead. They come thick and fast, and when my legs start to wobble, I lower into the tub, bringing my knees to my chest and holding onto myself as hard as I can.
My hair flattens against my face, but I don’t move it. I let it hang there, creating a veil from the evil in this world. The evil who should have done nothing but love me unconditionally.
Why?
It’s the one question I’m sure will never get answered but I’ll keep asking.
I had a plan. A few weeks, that’s all I needed. Time… something we can’t slow down, stop, or speed up. Why can’t we have a fast-forward button? I want to get all this pain over with, I want to start over and make a new life. Instead, I have to live every second with the marks on my skin, and the burns on my soul. It wasn’t meant to happen like this.
I’d stay here under this water forever if I could, letting it all wash away down the drain.
Three showers but I still feel as dirty as I did when he held me down on the floor and—
I gurgle a sound in my throat, squeezing my eyes closed and holding my palms on either side of my head to get the images out of my brain. I may be able to scrub my body clean, but I’ll never be able to erase the hurt and pain he’s caused.
I don’t move, not when the water turns cold, not when I hear a noise outside the door. I wait… counting down the seconds, hoping everything will feel differently when I step out of the tub.
But when I finally turn the water off and wrap a towel around my body, my feet sinking into the soft mat on the floor, nothing happens.
The pain is still there, the sorrow in my soul still screaming out.
I’ll never be the same.
Moving like a zombie, I open the bathroom door and shuffle over to the bedroom.
I halt when I close the door behind me, seeing a shirt and pair of leggings on the bed. Tilting my head to the side, I try to hear if anyone is moving around, but all that greets me is silence.
Reaching for them tentatively, I see the leggings are my size and brand new, much like the oversized shirt sitting next to them.
I don’t think twice about it before I pull them on, relishing in the feel of my arms being covered by the long sleeves. A small crack in my heart starts to fill as I think about what Luke promised last night. I should have told him when he asked instead of giving him the cell back. I should have confided in him and let him help. I thought I had it all under control. How wrong was I?
Standing in the middle of the room, I stare out of the window, watching as the sky starts to brighten, captivated by the natural beauty. At least that’s one thing that will never change. The days will keep on churning, turning into nights.
“Lily?” My hand flies to my chest as I spin around. My wide eyes find the closed door, and when Luke raps his knuckles on it twice, and asks, “Can I come in?” I don’t know what to say.
My breath hitches at the thought of us being in a confined space together, so I step toward the door, pulling it open but not looking up at him.
The silence wraps around us, the air becoming thick with tension until his deep voice asks, “You ready to go?”
My head whips up, the wetness of my hair flicking onto his black t-shirt. “Go?”
His ice-blue eyes bore into mine as he leans against the doorframe. “Go,” he repeats.
“But—”
He stands up to his full height before moving his arm toward me, and I can’t stop my reaction. It’s instinct as I reel back at the thought of being touched right now. His eyes widen before he raises his hands in front of him, silently telling me he won’t touch me.
“I have a plan, but it involves you getting out of here.” He pauses. “Do you trust me?”