“So why didn’t you get back together?”
“Because I found him with another girl.” She licked her dry lips. “Technically, he didn’t do anything wrong. We weren’t in a relationship. But it still hurt like hell.”
Kim gasped. “Oh, Van. I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, well we all make mistakes.” Van wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. She could still remember the horror of seeing the petite brunette wearing Tanner’s t-shirt and nothing else. Of Tanner’s open mouth as he tried to talk and nothing came out.
And the complete pain of knowing that she’d lost the one good thing in her life. And that it was her fault for not telling him the truth. She’d turned on her heel and run without looking back, pride stopping her from ever letting him back into her heart.
Until this year.
“But you and Tanner are friends now, right?” Kim asked, looking hopeful. “You made up? You’re working together.”
Van had never talked about guys with her mom. Kim was the last person she’d ever ask for advice. Yet this need to get her words out came over her. “We were more than friends until last night.” She shook her head. “But I broke it off.”
“Why?” Kim’s voice was sharp.
Van thought of Tanner’s parting words as she left the drive-in office. Of Zoe’s as they talked this morning before she went out with Becca.
“Because I’m scared,” Van whispered. “I’m so scared of losing the most important person in my life that I pushed him away before he could walk.” She let out a sob. “Twice.”
It was like a dam had been lifted. Tears started pouring down her face. Her chest was so tight it was hard to breathe, as the memories of last night and from ten years ago came washing over her.
“Oh sweetie.” Her mom’s chair scraped against the tiled floor. She walked over to where Van was sobbing at the table, wrapping her arms around her, pulling Van’s face against her stomach, stroking her hair. “Don’t cry.”
That only made Van sob louder. How could she have done this again? Messed her own life up, and Tanner’s, too. Her whole body ached at the thought of it.
“Look at us,” her mom whispered. “Me so desperate for love I’ll take whatever’s offered. And you so scared you’ll push it away at the first opportunity. What a damn mess.”
It hurt because it was true. Every word. She was so scared of feeling pain she did it first. Then lied to herself saying she was okay because she’d chosen the pain rather than having it inflicted on her.
But it didn’t matter. Either way it hurt like hell.
And to make things even crazier, here she was letting her mom comfort her. The same mom who’d caused her so much pain to begin with. It made her head hurt.
“I’ve lost him again,” Van whispered. “And it’s my fault.”
“You don’t know that. Maybe you both need to cool off a bit.”
“I told him we were over for good.”
Her mom stroked the hair from Van’s face. “You said that last night?”
“Yeah.”
“And did you mean it?”
“No,” Van said softly. “I didn’t mean it. I was just trying to protect him.”
“He’s a grown man, Van. He can protect himself.” Her mom sighed. “Didn’t you just tell me I was wrong for lying to you about Johnny to protect you?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“And I was,” her mom said. “It was wrong to lie to you. I should have told you the truth.”
She looked up at her mom through teary eyes. It felt uncomfortable being soothed by her. As though she was playing a role she was completely unprepared for. Savannah Butler didn’t let people take care of her. She was the protector. It was all that she knew.
And it had messed up her life.