“I grew up thinking that men had to be strong. Showing no emotions. I thought that I had to be a rock. First for my mom, then for Daniel. Even for my dad sometimes. When you came back into my life, it was as if you had a pickaxe, and with every touch, every soft word, you cut away my hard edges. It scared the hell out of me. Because all this stuff I’ve kept locked up inside, it’s threatening to come out.” He rubbed his face with the heels of his hands, pulling at the skin.
“You think it’s wrong to be vulnerable?”
“I think… I thought… I don’t know. I guess I never really thought about it until now. Just wanted to be strong. The knight in shining armor, the one who did the saving. That’s how I’ve always been.”
“But I never asked for that,” she reminded him quietly.
“I know you didn’t. But it’s what I want for you. It’s what you deserve. Somebody to take care of you, to protect you, to hold you when you’re afraid.”
“And who holds you?”
“I guess that’s the problem; I never thought I had to be held. Not until you.” There was a pained expression on his face. As though every word hurt him to say. She didn’t underestimate the effort it was taking him to be so open with her. But still, she needed to guard her heart.
“When I sat at the rehearsal dinner and saw everything you’d done, I was more afraid than I’ve ever been in my whole life. Because, Caitie, everything you’d done was amazingly beautiful. I could see you in every small touch. It made me realize how important Christmas is to you, how much your life revolves around it. And how little I can give you, how wrong I am for you. Even when every inch of me wants me to be right.”
“You left me because of Christmas?” She was incredulous. “Because of a few little days?”
“But they’re not a few days. They’re your job, your life. Lucas told me it’s your favorite time of year, and has been since you were a kid.”
“Since I was fifteen,” she said softly.
“What?”
“It’s been my favorite time of the year since I was fifteen. Since the last time I saw you.”
He stared at her, his eyes dark and intense. “You like Christmas because of me?”
“Not just because of that. But after you and Daniel left, well, it helped me to remember you. And I know it’s weird because you guys were so sad that Christmas. But that’s what got me started. The reason I specialized my Fine Arts degree.”
Breck swallowed. His Adam’s apple bobbed beneath the thin skin of his throat. “I hate Christmas. I have since that day… since Mom died. I can’t give you what you want. I can’t be the guy who dresses up in a Santa outfit and gives out festive cheer. It makes me feel sick to think about it.”
“I never asked you to do that.”
“But that’s what you deserve.”
“Don’t I get to decide what I deserve?” she asked softly. “You made a decision about my supposed needs without even talking it through with me, and it hurt. I know you were afraid, because I know what fear is like. You were the one who gave me the courage to face mine. And I did it for you, for me; for us, Breck. No matter how awful it made me feel. I’m finally willing to accept I have a problem. Why can’t you do the same thing for me?”
That was the crux of the matter. She’d let herself be vulnerable, cut herself open for him. But when asked to do the same, he’d run.
“Because for a
ll my macho bluster and shining armor, it turns out you were stronger than me all along,” he said, looking down at the ground. “And it kills me to know how much I let you down. But I’m not done here, Cait, nowhere near. I’m so in love with you it hurts. Losing you is so much worse than facing my fears. In fact, it’s my worst fear come true.”
There was a part of her that wanted to run into his arms, to cup his anguished face with her warm palms. To soothe and be soothed, to tell him it was all going to be all right.
But the pain of the past two days stopped her. She’d been vulnerable once. Maybe too vulnerable. She wasn’t sure she could do it again.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “So sorry I hurt you. So sorry I ran out. I’m sorry I ran from the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m not asking you to say anything. In fact, I’d prefer if you didn’t. I’d like you to think about what I’ve said. Think about us. Make a decision about whether you can give us another chance or not. But I need to warn you, I’m not going to give up. I’m going to fight for you with every breath I have left. When you finally find love, and realize it’s the one thing you’ve been looking for all your life, you’ll do whatever it takes to keep hold of it.”
She had to fight to keep her lips clamped shut. The emotions inside of her were rising up, threatening to spill over, in words, in tears, in sighs. At least for a few minutes, she needed to keep it together. Until she was alone.
“Thank you for listening,” he said. “I’m going to go now and let you catch up on your sleep. You look exhausted. And if it’s okay with you, I’ll call you tomorrow. If you don’t want to talk, don’t pick up.”
She nodded.
He stood, towering over her as he always did. “Thank you for listening to me.” He swallowed hard. “And Merry Christmas.”
He left without another word, taking long strides across the deck. She followed him with her eyes as he retreated, her heart so full it could burst. She wasn’t sure, but it felt as though it already had.