‘You knew?’ she asked through her fingers, which were still clamped ove
r her mouth. ‘You knew, Sam?’
‘That Foster isn’t my father? Yes, I knew.’
Lucia shook her head. Her expression was broken. ‘You weren’t meant to know. I didn’t want you to know. How did you find out?’
Sam glanced at Foster. The efforts of shouting and moving must have been overwhelming. He was lying silently on the beach, his dinner jacket covered with gravel and sand.
‘He told me.’
‘No.’ She started to cry. ‘Oh no, Sam, no. He should never have told you. I’m so sorry, baby, so sorry.’
Sam crouched down, gently taking his mother into his arms. ‘Hey, it’s OK, it’s OK.’
‘How could he do that? How could he tell you without my permission? He promised me we wouldn’t say anything, he promised me it would stay a secret. You must hate me right now.’
‘I don’t hate you.’ He harboured no anger for his mother at all. It was his stepfather who attracted his ire.
‘I’m furious with him, I can’t believe he did that. How long have you known?’
He couldn’t lie. That’s what had got them here. Secrets and lies, all wrapped up in protection.
‘About six years. Foster told me the night before I flew to LA.’
‘Six years?’ It was almost a shout. ‘Sam, you’ve known that long and not told me? Didn’t you have questions, didn’t you want to talk to me? I can’t believe you didn’t say anything.’
He shrugged. ‘There was nothing to say. He told me and I left, that was pretty much it. I didn’t want to upset you. Not when you were so fragile.’
‘I’m not fragile,’ she told him. ‘I’m fine now. OK, so I went a bit downhill after I had the girls, but that was PND, darling. The therapy helped.’
Sam licked his dry lips. ‘Foster told me it was my fault.’
Tears filled her eyes. ‘Oh no, darling, no. It wasn’t your fault. None of it was. It happens to a lot of women. I got better, didn’t I?’
‘You did,’ he agreed. ‘But I was scared this would send you back to that place again. I couldn’t do it, not when Izzy and Sienna needed you.’
It seemed stupid now, seeing how upset she was. It was bound to come out at some point. But Sam had been too shaken up to think about that.
Lucia pulled back, looking him straight in the eye. ‘I’m upset because you didn’t tell me. Because he didn’t tell me. And I’m upset at myself for letting you find out without me telling you.’
Sam smiled. ‘There’s a lot of upset about not telling.’
‘Lies,’ she said. ‘They always find you out.’
He nodded. ‘They do.’
‘Will you ever forgive me? I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to carry the stigma of being illegittimo. I thought this would make things right.’
‘There’s nothing to forgive. You did what you thought was best at the time. And you tried to give me a happy childhood. It wasn’t your choice to tell me, that’s all on him.’ He took her hand, squeezing it tight. ‘You’re my mother and I love you.’
A fresh flood of tears ran down her cheeks. She lifted his hand to her face, kissing his palm. ‘You were my first born. My beautiful boy. I’ve always been so proud of you, of the man you’ve become.’
‘I’m not perfect.’ Sam’s voice cracked.
‘You’re perfect to me,’ she whispered. ‘Every child is perfect to their mother. We bring you into this world and we try to protect you, even though we know it’s impossible to do. And we watch you grow and flourish, and make mistakes, knowing that you’ll be hurt and we can’t do anything to stop it. Still we love you and think you’re wonderful, simply for being you.’
He wasn’t going to cry. Not here on a beach with his stepfather unconscious next to them. But that didn’t mean he didn’t feel the tears inside, threatening to spill out. It took a force of will to keep his eyes dry.