Chapter 15
It wasa few days after the funeral, but although life in Millar Castle was gradually starting to return to normal, with servants rushing here and there and the low murmur of voices constantly filling the air, the weather at least continued to match Meredith’s mood.
It’s almost as if all of the light has gone out of the world, she thought, as she sat at her favorite window seat, pretending to embroider a handkerchief with Ryder’s initials, but with her eyes fixed on the steel grey sky and the angry storm clouds that filled it. A Highland winter was always hard, but this year seemed particularly so. And although she’d gained a husband she loved — and who loved her in return — since this time last year, the loss of her beloved father, as well as her family home, was proving an onerous burden to bear.
If it wasn’t for Ryder, she thought, attempting to concentrate again on the task in hand, I’m not sure how I’d have coped. Not at all, probably.
True to his word, Ryder had barely left her side since the day of her father’s death, and while he liked to pretend it was for her safety and protection — and she, in turn, pretended to believe him — she knew only too well that he was worried about her.
“I daenae like to see ye so sad, lass,” he’d said, more than once. “I just wish there was something I could do to make ye feel better.”
The sadness she felt, however, was not only hers. She could feel it in him, too, as well as in her mother and siblings, and in the very air that surrounded them, or so it seemed.
“There is,” she’d said simply, “And yer already doing it, just by being here and sharing in it. That’s all ye can do, and I’m grateful for it.”
“I’ll be here as long as ye need me,” he’d replied, and sure enough, there he was now, appearing in the courtyard below her window, having spent the briefest time possible in the office with Matthew this morning. He’d be on his way up to her any moment now, and Meredith smiled in anticipation, then felt her smile turn into a frown as she recognized the man beside him. Not Matthew, as she’d at first assumed, but Colby Green. Again.
Colby Green. The man had been nothing but pleasant to her — to all of them — in the days that had passed since her father’s death, and even Ryder had grudgingly praised him for continuing to comb the area for Meredith’s attacker, even after Ryder himself had abandoned the search. He’d been solicitous towards Meredith’s mother and sister and friendly to Felix. There was nothing at all to criticize him for — so why did Meredith feel her stomach fall with disappointment when she saw him in the castle once more?
She did not know but when the chamber door opened a few minutes later, to admit Ryder, she heaved a small sigh of relief to find him alone.
“How are ye, lass?” Ryder asked, taking a seat beside her and kissing her softly on the lips, by way of greeting. “If yer well enough, I thought we might take a walk down to yer faither’s grave? We’ve nae flowers to put on it at this time o’year, but I’ve noticed it seems to help ye to spend some time with him?”
“It does,” she said, smiling at him gratefully. “Thank ye for suggesting it. Wait there, while I get me shawl…”
* * *
Meredith’s father had been buried in a sheltered spot close to the loch, which he’d spent much of his time by in the few short weeks he’d been a guest at Millar Castle.
“It’s so peaceful here,” Meredith said, kneeling on the grass by the grave and reaching out to brush some dirt off the stone they’d placed at its head. “I ken he’d approve of our choice. I just wish we could have buried him closer to home…”
Her voice trailed off as she realized the “home” her father had loved so much and had expected to live out the last of his days in, no longer existed. Burying him there had not been an option, and while she was glad his grave was close enough for her to be able to visit it every day, it also served as a constant reminder of everything she’d lost.
“Sometimes I almost forget,” she admitted to Ryder, looking up at him through her dark lashes. “Like in the mornings, when I wake up and think everything’s normal, before reality comes crashing in, and I remember it’s not. Nothing will ever be the same again, will it?”
“Not exactly the same, maybe,” Ryder replied, choosing his words carefully. “Things can never go back to how they were before yer faither…” he trailed off, not wanting to speak the words aloud.
“That doesnae mean it will always feel like this," he continued, taking her by the hand, and pulling her to her feet. “It doesnae mean that ye can never be happy again in time.”
“Time,” Meredith sighed, looping her arm through his as they started to walk their usual route around the loch. “I daenae want to wish it away, but why does there have to be so much of it to get through before we can have the things we want? Like a family of our own, for instance. And a home for Felix, so he doesn't have to always feel so ... so beholden to us.”
She looked up at him shyly, wondering what he would say to her comment about having a family of their own. It was her deepest wish, after all — but was it also his?
“Patience, me love, patience,” Ryder chuckled, squeezing the hand that held his arm. “Ye always want everything at once. Och, daenae get me wrong,” he added quickly, seeing her eyes flash dangerously, “It’s one of the things I love about ye. Yer so impulsive it keeps me on me feet.”
“As it should.” She smiled wanly, and although it was but a mere shadow of her usual, radiant smile, it was the first time he’d seen it in days, and it made his heart glad.
“But we already have a family we love,” he reminded her. “Aye, it would be nice to add to it, and I’ve nae doubt we will — probably sooner rather than later. But for now, I quite like having ye to meself, at least for now.”
She smiled again, encouraging him to continue.
“As for Felix,” he said, “I’ve been giving some thought to that, and, from what I’ve been told about the state of yer parents’ castle, I think we can rebuild it in time.”
“Time! There's that word again!” Meredith shot back impatiently, but her eyes looked brighter, and he could tell he was gradually starting to win her around. “So much time!”
“Well, time, aye. But we need money, too,” he continued, “And luckily for us, that's not something we lack. I’ll rebuild yer parent’s castle, Meredith,” he said, stopping in his tracks, and turning to face her. “I promise ye that. However long it takes me, I’ll do it for ye, and for Felix. I cannae bring yer faither back, nae matter how much I wish I could, but that I can do, and I promise ye I will.”
Meredith reached up and wiped a tear from her eye before replying. The tears were never very far away these days, she reflected, but if there was one person she could rely on to banish them, even for a while, it was her husband.
“How lucky I am to have ye,” she said softly, taking him by the hand as they resumed their walk. “And yer right, we have time. We have nothing but time, in fact. And if ye can learn how to live with me and me impatient ways, I suppose I can learn to be a bit more patient.”
“That’s my lass,” Ryder replied, wrapping an arm around her to protect her from the chill. “Now, let’s get ye back to the warmth of the castle. I’m sure Cook will have something delicious waiting for us.”
* * *
Back in the Great Hall of the castle, the mood was somber. Melissa and her mother sat in their usual seats by the fire, needles in their hands, and a basket of sewing at their feet. At first glance, they looked busy, but as Meredith drew closer, she realized the pile of sewing hadn’t gotten any smaller since it had first appeared yesterday evening — not that it mattered, mind you, given that none of it actually needed to be repaired anyway.
“Keeping busy, I see,” she said brightly as she took a seat next to them and picked up a shirt of Ryders that did not appear to need darning. For her family’s sake, she needed to be strong, she knew, but the prospect of another evening watching the two women beside her weep quietly into their sewing was enough to make her want to weep herself.
Fortunately for Meredith, however, no sooner had she sat down than the door of the Great Hall swung open once again to admit Felix, along with Angus Murray, just back from a ride. The two boys had been spending a lot of time together over the past few days, and Meredith was glad her brother had someone to help him take his mind off all that had happened. As the two approached, she noticed Melissa sit up a little straighter and reach up to smooth her hair into place. If Meredith wasn’t very much mistaken, Felix wasn’t the only one who was enjoying the company of young Angus Murray. Well, well!
“Come and join us,” she said, patting the seat next to her and glancing at Melissa, whose face flushed slightly as she caught her sister's eye. “Tell us about yer ride.”
“We went almost as far as Colby’s castle,” Felix said, dropping gratefully into his seat. “We saw him off in the distance with some of his men, in fact.”
“Aye, he's been out searching for the varmint who attacked yer sisters,” said Ryder, who had just joined the group, a glass of whisky in his hand. “He told me he wouldnae rest until he was found.”
“Really?” Meredith looked up, surprised. With everything that had happened, she had almost forgotten the attack. Ryder, however, had obviously not, and neither had Colby, it seemed.
“Aye,” said Ryder again. “We want to make sure yer safe,” he added. “Not just ye and Melissa, but all of us. And ye willnae be safe until that villain is found.”
Meredith made no response to this, but a shiver ran down her spine at his words. She had been just starting to feel a little better, but now the darkness had settled over her again, and she wondered if she would ever be able to shake it off.
“Maybe ye could come out with us tomorrow?” Angus suggested now. He was careful to include everyone in his invitation, but Meredith did not miss the way his eyes lingered on Melissa as he spoke.
“Och, nay,” she said before Ryder could answer. “Ryder and I are planning to visit the grave again first thing tomorrow morning. Ye should go, though, Melissa,” she added innocently. “Some fresh air would do ye good.”
"Indeed it would,” her mother agreed, getting up from her seat. “It would do ye all good, in fact. Now, if ye’ll excuse me, I think I’ll have an early night.”
Meredith squeezed her mother’s hand gently as she passed her seat. There had been a lot of early nights for Erin Quinn lately, and Meredith wasn’t entirely sure whether this was a good thing or a bad one.
“Time,” Ryder mouthed across the room to her, as if reading her mind. “Give it time.”
Time. That word again. But her husband was right, she knew. She just had to be patient and allow time to do its work, as it always did. She just hoped it wouldn’t take too long.
* * *