“What?” I grunt.
“What?” Freddie echoes.
I give him a look. “You’ve been staring at me ever since we started. Have I got something on my face?”
“Yeah, as a matter of fact.” Freddie grins. “A big grumpy-ass frown. You look like you’re going to tear this place apart, man. What’s wrong? Is it running into Lena yesterday?”
“That was a pain in the ass,” I say neutrally.
“But it’s something else,” Freddie says.
I laugh dryly. “Is this a therapy session?”
“Don’t give me that crap,” Freddie snaps. “What did coach always use to say, eh? Men can talk about their feelings too.”
“I think he was laughing when he said that.”
Freddie’s smile widens, his eyes playful. “Sure, sure. But he still said it. I chose to ignore the laughter.”
“The scene with Lena was annoying,” I admit. “Even after all these years, she feels the need to hold a grudge. She knows full well I should be the one holding a grudge if either of us is. I was cold. I was distant. But I was never abusive, verbally or physically. She was. Or she tried to be. She tried to get a rise out of me.”
“I know you’d never hurt anyone,” Freddie says. “Especially a woman.”
“Almost ten years.” I groan.
“It’s only because you saw each other. It’s not like she’s been stalking you or anything.”
“True,” I agree. “As exes go, it could be a lot worse.”
“So…”
I gesture at the bench. “Come on, man. We’re cooling down.”
Freddie sits on the bench, lying back and taking the bar. I spot him as he goes through his reps, our conversation forgotten for the time being. When he’s done, he sits up, stretching his arms and rolling his shoulders.
“Are you going to tell me or what?” he says.
With a sigh, I explain the situation. I leave out the stuff about my need to see Penny pregnant with my child, about the feeling of the world spinning a little faster, colors seeming brighter, my future seeming closer now that I’ve laid eyes on her. I don’t explain the obsession driving me, or the certainty that this woman belongs to me.
I give him the basic facts. I saw a girl, took a liking to her, and emailed her for a date.
“That’s unlike you,” Freddie says, as I sit on the bench.
I catch his eye in the mirror. He’s looking closely at me, as though trying to look into my head for an explanation.
“All the times we used to party, back in the day, all the opportunities you had… and I never once saw you take advantage. The way women would throw themselves at you man, you could’ve had a different one every night. But you never cared.”
“No,” I say with conviction. “I didn’t.”
Because none of those women was my woman, I leave unsaid. None of them was Penny, my Penny, the woman I’ve been waiting my whole life for.
“But now you’ve decided to go on a date with a woman you’ve never even spoken to.”
I laugh gruffly. “You make me sound like a madman when you say it like that.”
Freddie cocks his head. “If the shoe fits…”
I flip him the bird, both of us grinning, knowing it’s all banter.
I don’t tell him the reason I never took any of those women up on their offers. A lot of the time, they were shamelessly obvious about it, all but saying they’d sleep with me if I gave them a nod.
It always left a sick feeling in my mouth, the idea that I’d drag some random woman to my bed and fuck her merely for the sake of it, for some momentary pleasure – if such a meaningless thing would bring any pleasure – with no possibility of starting a family.
When I take my woman, and I hammer her so hard she’s left gasping and shivering it will be with a chance of getting her pregnant. It will be with the chance of starting a life together.
Freddie leaves it alone for a while, as we go through our next reps, but he mentions it again as we walk to the locker room.
“I thought you’d forgotten,” I say, as I pull my locker open.
He grins over at me. “No way, bro. No damn way. This is a big deal. The grumpiest man in the world is smitten. I ought to take a picture.”
He grows serious after a moment. “Jokes aside, Preston, I’m happy for you. Liz and I are always talking about how we wish you’d find a woman.”
Liz is his wife. They’ve been happily married since our football days.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because you’ve basically mentioned it yourself, several times. When you ask what it’s all for, why you’re building an empire… it’s clear you wish you had somebody.”
I swallow, taking in his words. There’s no denying them.
“Not just somebody,” I say.
“The right person.” Freddie nods. “But, no offense, how are you going to find her if you never try? I think this is a good first step. Even if she might think you’re a stalker.”