I wanted our child, Drew didn’t, and that was that.
“Where are you going?” he asked when I turned to go upstairs. I was numb at this point, and I barely recognized my own voice as I answered.
“I’m going to sleep, Drew.”
“Go to my room.”
&
nbsp; “No,” I replied harshly, though a part of me held out hope that he’d stop me – or that he’d sneak into my room, lift me out of my bed, and bring me to his.
I held out hope the entire night.
But in the morning, when I woke up in my own bed in the guest room, I lost that last naïve dash of faith.
And with a glance at my empty bags by the closet, I knew what was left for me to do.
35
EVIE
There were more boarded up buildings than the last time I was here. That much was for sure.
Whether it was houses or storefronts, half the buildings that were once occupied no longer were. At this point, Belfield just felt like a long stretch of marshland with a road, some old billboards and dusty bus stops.
But if any one thing stayed the same, it was bearded Kurt who worked at the gas station where I picked up my mom’s lotto tickets. He was in his fifties the last I saw him. Now he was in his sixties and he still wore suspenders and the same Patriots cap that was so faded now it was grey.
“Just so you know, Missy Remsen said her daughter didn’t say those things. I think those reporters – they just make up lies,” he said as he rang up the Snapple I threw in there for Mom as well.
“They definitely do,” I said to keep it simple.
The last thing on my mind was what my high school classmates said to the media or not. But that was all Kurt and I had to talk about when I came here before going to Mom’s.
I didn’t stay right in Belfield, let alone in Mom’s house. I rented a car and booked a motel a few towns over. I told myself that if I wasn’t sleeping in that house, I was still being somewhat responsible.
Because the reality was that I knew it wasn’t smart to be here.
But I was distraught like I’d never been in my life, and I just needed to be in my mom’s arms. I needed to feel her combing her fingers through my hair like she did when I was little, and saying, “Mommy’s got you. Everything’s going to be alright.”
I needed the given of that comfort, even if I knew it would be short-lived. Even if it would blow up in my face in a month, a week or maybe even tomorrow. At some point, the novelty of my being home would fade. The stress would be hard to ignore, and Mom would begin picking fights about my absence all these years.
Kaylie would act up. She was already resenting the fact that I’d showed up, spending a lot of time with friends while I was around during the day, and screaming at Mom at night once I left.
There was no way in hell things wouldn’t blow up between us. She would steal from me or hit me. Maybe pick a fight about the money I was spending on a motel, or perhaps go missing for days. She would hate that my pregnancy took Mom’s full attention away from her, and she would do something drastic to get it back.
She’d done it before and I knew she’d do it again.
So I wasn’t sure if I was walking on thin ice or in a minefield, but either way, I was bound to be miserable in the near future, and I was bound to be putting this baby through stress it didn’t need.
But right now, I needed the comfort. My brain was in shambles, and all I could do was cry and feel scared or guilty – guilty mostly for what I’d done to Aly.
For two days, I’d let myself stay with her and Emmett in their East Hampton home, and as much as Aly took care of me before and after work, or kept me hidden and doted upon in the office of our restaurant, I could see her being constantly worried about me. I could feel myself bringing her down and considering she was supposed to be enjoying real post engagement bliss, I couldn’t continue to cry to her about the fact that Drew had clearly made up his mind about us, since he hadn’t so much as texted since the morning I left. I could feel myself drowning her, and it made me feel like the most needy, selfish person in the world.
So I came here to Mom.
I called her to tell her why I was coming home before I did, so the second I walked through those doors, all she did was hug me.
“It’s a blessing, and everything’s going to be alright,” she whispered before burying a kiss in my hair.