14
Fiona
It was nearingmidnight by the time we arrived back at the apartment. As I let us in, I put my finger to my mouth. “Gabriella will be asleep,” I whispered.
Li nodded. The circles under his eyes had darkened and the whites of his eyes reddened. He stood aside to allow me to go into the room first, then followed behind. I unpinned my hat and hung it on the rack.
“You’re exhausted,” I said. “We should retire.”
“I’m sorry to have to agree,” Li said. “It’s been a long couple of weeks.”
“All right, then, good night.” I turned to go but looked back to tell him, “You may use the bathroom first. I’ll wait until I hear your bedroom door close before I go in.”
He still had his hat in his hands and he lingered by the door. “Are you sorry you invited me?”
“Why would you say such a thing?” I asked.
“Your friends seem to have kept you company, occupied your time and your money.” I studied the floorboards. One of the planks had a pattern from a knot in the shape of a half note. “Gabriella is here to keep you safe at night. What do you need me for?”
“I don’t think she’s capable of keeping me safe, no matter how good her housekeeping skills are.” His tone and words sliced away my joyful mood in one fell swoop. I pressed my fingers into my throat, hoping to dislodge the ache there. Why had he come? He was right. I didn’t need him criticizing me or questioning my decisions. But then I remembered Mr. Basset. He would be here tomorrow morning. My friends, as fun as they were, could not be here night and day. Nor could they fully comprehend my fear. They saw it as another demonstration of my provincial upbringing. I could hear Sandwich now, asking me, Why not take him up on his offer? Let him introduce you to all the right people.
“How money much did you give James?” Li asked.
I tugged on the fingers of my gloves and yanked them from my hands. “He told you I lent him money?”
“Yes. I think he was embarrassed. He seemed to be under the impression I knew, as if you’d tell me something like that.”
I would have. I told him everything. Back home I had, anyway. “Mr. West is a gentleman with a title but no money. He has terrible debt. The creditors were coming for him, expecting payments. He’s doing important work, bringing great books to the hands of readers. His financial problems were distracting him from all that. I helped him. It wasn’t much to me but everything to him.”
“Where did you get the money?”
I didn’t appreciate the scowl that seemed to have made permanent residence on his face. “I have my own money. Papa set me up with an account before he left. But I’m frugal. I have few needs. The money won’t be missed, even if Mr. West cannot pay me back.” I ran one of my gloves through the space made between my thumb and index finger. “He was in danger. I would have done the same for you. For any friend.”
“Is that true?”
“Of course it is. What’re you saying?”
“Mr. West is a handsome man. I wonder if you might be swayed by that fact?”
So what if I was? It wasn’t that, obviously. He’d been good to me. We’d become close friends. But we both knew there was not an attraction. That had been even more evident tonight as I’d stolen glances at Li and James talking together at the end of the table. No one was Li. It wasn’t only familiarity as I’d hoped. Seeing him in a different setting had made no difference whatsoever. I longed for him. It might never change, I thought, despairing. The longer he remained close, the more steadfast my affection. Soon, I would return home and there he would be. Was pining away for someone terminal? Would I die a premature death from this unquenched desire?
“Mr. West is a handsome man,” I said. “But he’s only a friend.”
“He has everything you want and need.”
I stepped back, smacking into the wall behind me. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“He’s English and fancy with a pedigree and all that. He’s the right age for you. He’s everything your father could wish for you.”
“Have you forgotten his debt already?” I asked, scorn dripping from my mouth. “Or that you were just chastising me for giving him a loan?”
“Lord Barnes has never cared about bringing wealth into the family when it comes to his daughters. Even that will be of no consequence.” His cheeks had splotches of red and his eyes snapped with fury.
“Why are you angry? What is it about all of this that makes you speak cruelly to me? After all, you don’t want me yourself. Why shouldn’t I fall in love with James West?”
He stepped closer. I could smell soap on his skin and the faint hint of wine on his breath. Stubble peppered his chin. He needed a shave. I’d never seen him without a clean-shaven face. Unfortunately, it suited him. “Because I…because I…don’t want you to,” he said.
I let out a breath, furious myself now. “You don’t get to say anything about my life. I have brothers and a father. I don’t need you acting like my older brother. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were jealous of my new friends.”
“I couldn’t care less about your new friends.” His jaw clenched. He stepped backward until he was leaning up against the opposite wall.
“Well, fine then. We’ve settled it. You shall say nothing about James West or whether or not I allow him to court me.”
“There’s no courting here, is there? Your friend Saffron and Reynaldo, for example?”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “What about them?”
“They’re not a couple. They like people of their own gender.”
“I’m very aware of that.” Why did everyone think I was stupid? I remembered the way Sandwich and Saffron had looked at each other that day on the terrace—the knowing look between them. Little innocent Fiona who didn’t understand anything about the modern world. “How did you know?” I had to ask. How was it that he’d known right away?
“It’s obvious,” Li said. “And then there’s that Sandwich woman. She’s appropriately nicknamed, since she gives herself away as if she’s an ordinary sandwich.”
“She’s not like that at all,” I said, hotter than ever now. “She hasn’t been given everything as I have. She’s had to make some compromises so that she didn’t have to marry her bucktoothed neighbor. You’d know that if you asked any questions instead of assuming things. For someone who claims to feel different from others, you’re mighty judgmental.”
“I’m merely pointing out the facts.” His reasonable tone made me even more furious.
“Sebastian and Paula are married. That should make your provincial mind happy.”
“Sebastian has an eye for the ladies. I saw his wandering nature several times at dinner. Trust me, they’ll be divorced before you know it.”
“Divorced?” I gasped and covered my mouth with my hands. “Impossible. You don’t know anything about my friends.” Even as I said it, I knew he was right about everything. I wouldn’t admit it, though, and give him the satisfaction. “What does any of it matter? None of this changes how much I like them or their worth as human beings. You of all people should understand that.”
He glared at me for a moment before deflating like a cake taken too soon from the oven into a cold room. “Fiona.” His voice was hoarse and dry. He rubbed his forehead with the fingers of both hands.
“What? What is it? Do you have more to criticize?” My eyes misted. “I thought you’d like them all as much as I. You’d see that here in Paris it doesn’t matter if you’re different.”
“I do see that. I see it clearly. You were right. Things here are different.”