“I had no idea I was doing it,” I reply, honestly. My eyes search Eli’s like he can give me all the answers, but his face is as white as a sheet.
“Are you okay?” I ask him, my heart kicking up a notch from his reaction.
He sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’m fine. Just tired, I guess.”
My body relaxes, and I feel an urge to reach out a hand to comfort him. I hold back, though, as I have no idea what his reaction would be. Crazy, really, when you consider we’re married. Aren’t married couples supposed to be totally relaxed with each other? Enough that they can say what they want when they want without fear of reprisal? I don’t know. I’ve never been married before.
That voice in my head startles me somewhat.
I’m freaking married now!
I glance over at Eli. Although he looks like a God, I can see the deflected stature. The way he gazes ahead like the walls or ceiling will give him answers he’s been searching for.
“Tell me what to do,” I find myself stating.
Eli snaps my head to mine, a crinkle forming in his forehead. We stare at each other a moment, that spark of desire igniting brightly inside me. Does he feel that too? It’s almost as if I am meeting him properly for the first time, that first spark of attraction, the fluttering in my belly, that sense of longing to be near him. I have another urge to reach out, touch his hand, caress his palm with my thumb. A small gesture, but an offer of affection that lets him know I am here… that I want him here too.
I do not act on my desires, though. I do not feel we are quite there in our relationship. It’s stupid as we are married, but despite the fact that I can’t remember who the hell I am, let alone my husband, I have an inkling that we haven’t shown each other any ounce of affection in a long time. Hence, my request.
“I don’t understand,” he replies, his beautiful green eyes scanning my face, searching for an answer.
“With regards to us. Tell me what it is I can do.”
He glances away, sighing, the weight of the world pressing on his shoulders. “I don’t know where this is coming from, Kendra. Why now?”
“Why not now?”
He slowly shakes his head. He must have so many questions. Questions I don’t have any answers to.
“I don’t know what’s happening here.”
“Well, then tell me.”
“We never talk, you’re always out when I’m here and vice versa. The only time we are ever together is when we attend events, and even then, you end up drinking too much and partying long after I’ve left. We haven’t been a couple in the sense of the word it should mean, but yet, here you are asking me what it is you can do? I don’t get it. What’s changed?”
I wish I could give him the answer to that question. I really do.
“If you want the honest truth, I really don’t know. I just want to try and be the wife you deserve. I want us to start spending more time together—separate from these events we attend. I want us to be able to sit together, eat, talk, watch movies together. Do all the things that couples want to do when they are together.” I close my eyes, a question burning on my tongue that I’m not sure I want the answer to. “Am I too late?”
It’s out there and now it’s like the proverbial elephant in the room.
Eli’s reaction is to maneuver away from me. It’s slight, but there, and it hurts my heart more than I could ever imagine. He runs his fingers through his soft hair, a movement I can’t help but watch. I’m like a cat intently watching a bird, completely lost to that bird, with all and other surroundings insignificant. He then runs one hand over his face, his eyes slowly opening, exhaustion weighing heavy in them. He sucks in a deep breath and on an exhale, he says, “I really don’t know.”
Those words are like a sharp sword slowing cutting away tiny fragments of my heart.
I am too late.
I want to ask why he’s stayed with me this long if it’s come to this, but maybe he doesn’t even know. Maybe, me asking him this question is what has shed light to our failing marriage.
I am a monster. This is what a monster deserves.
I can tell myself this, but in my heart, I know it’s not true. My actions, however, determine otherwise. I am a monster. I don’t deserve him.
There’s a dip in the couch and suddenly Eli is on his feet heading for the stairs. A moment of panic ensues, and I find myself shouting his name. He stops, eventually turning to hear what it is I have to say, but my mouth is cemented shut. I want to find the words—any words that can make things better between us—but I come up blank.
“Goodnight,” I finally say, the word coming out as a huge exhale.
There is a moment of silence, his eyes resting on mine. But then he does something that has my heart skipping a beat—or maybe two.