"You're shittin me, buster," Major Fritch say.
"To the contrary," says Big Sam. "You see, my people are not exactly what you would call civilized-at least by your standards - as they have a particular affection for human flesh. Especially white meat."
"Do you mean to tell me you people are cannibals?" Major Fritch say.
Big Sam shrug his shoulders. "That's bout the size of it."
"That's disgusting," says Major Fritch. "Listen, you has got to see to it that we is not harmed, an that we get out of here an back to civilization. There is probably a search party from NASA about to arrive any minute. I demand that you treat us with the dignity you would accord any allied nation."
"Ah," Big Sam say, "that was precisely what they had in mind last night."
"Now see here!" says Major Fritch. "I demand that we be set free this instant, and allowed to make our way to the nearest city or town where there is a telephone."
"I am afraid," Big Sam say, "that would be impossible. Even if we did turn you loose, the pygmies would get you before you went a hundred yards into the jungle."
"Pygmies?" say Major Fritch.
"We have been at war with the pygmies for many generations. Somebody stole a pig once, I think - nobody remembers who or where - it is lost in legend. But we are virtually surrounded by the pygmies, and have been ever since anyone can remember."
"Well," says Major Fritch, "I'd rather us take our chances with pygmies than with a bunch of fucking cannibals - the pygmies ain't cannibals, is they?"
"No, madam," Big Sam say, "they are head-hunters."
"Terrific," Major Fritch say sourly.
"Now last night," Big Sam says, "I managed to save you from the cooking pot, but I am not sure how long I can keep my people at bay. They are determined to turn your appearance into some sort of gain."
"Is that so?" Major Fritch says. "Like what?"
"Well, for one thing, your ape. I think they would at least like to be able to eat him."
"That ape is the sole property of the United States of America," says Major Fritch.
"Nonetheless," Big Sam says, "I think it would be a diplomatic gesture on your part."
Ole Sue be frownin an noddin his head slowly an lookin sorrowfully out the door.
"And then," Big Sam continue, "I think that wile you are here, you could perhaps do some work for us."
"What sort of work?" Major Fritch say suspiciously.
"Well," say Big Sam, "farming work. Agriculture. You see, I have been trying to improve the ignominious lot of my people for many years. And not too long ago I stumbled on an idea. If we can simply turn the fertile soil here to our advantage, and bring to it some of the modern techniques of agronomy, we might thus begin to haul ourselves out of our tribal predicament and assume a role in the world marketplace. In short, turn ourselves away from this backward and stale economy and become a viable, cultured race of peoples."
"What kind of farming?" Major Fritch axed.
"Cotton, my dear woman, cotton! King of cash crops! The plant that built an empire in your own country some years ago."
"You expectin us to grow cotton!" Major Fritch squawked.
"You bet your sweet ass I do, sister," Big Sam say.
Chapter Fifteen
Well, here we is, Plantin Cotton. Acres an acres an acres of it. All up an down the whole creation. If they is anythin sure in my life, it is that if we ever get our asses outta here, I don't never want to be no cotton farmer.
Several things done happened after that first day in the jungle with Big Sam an the cannibals. First, Major Fritch an me has convinced Big Sam not to make us give po ole Sue to his tribe to eat. We has persuaded him that Sue would be of a lot more use heppin us plant the cotton than he would be as a meal. An so ever day there is ole Sue out there with us, wear-in a big straw hat an carryin a gunnysack, plantin cotton.
Also, bout the third or forth week we was there, Big Sam come into our hovel an say, "Look here, Forrest old boy, do you play chess?"
An I says, "No."
An he say, "Well, you're a Harvard man, you might like to learn."
An I nod my head, an that's how I learnt to play chess.
Ever evenin when we is thru work in the cotton fields, Big Sam'd get out his chess set an we'd set aroun the fire an play till late at night. He showed me all the moves, an for the first few days he taught me strategy. But after that, he quit doin it cause I beat him a game or two.
After a wile, the games get longer. Sometime they last for several days, as Big Sam can not make up his mind where to move to. He'd sit an study them chessmen an then he'd do somethin with one of them, but I always managed to beat him. Sometimes he'd get real angry with hissef, an pound on his foot with a stick or butt his head against a rock or somethin.
"For a Harvard man, you is a pretty good chess player," he'd say, or he'd say, "See here, Forrest - why did you make that last move?" I wouldn't say nothin, or jus shrug my shoulders, an that woud send Big Sam into a rage.
One day he say, "You know, Forrest, I am surely glad you have come here, so I can have somebody to play chess with, an I am glad I have saved you from that cooking pot. Only thing is, I really would like to win jus one chess game from you."
At that, Big Sam be lickin his chops, an it didn't take no idiot to figger out that if I let him win jus one game, he was gonna be satisfied, an have me for his supper, then an there. Kinda kep me on my toes, if you know what I mean.
Meantime, a very strange thing has happened with Major Fritch.
One day she is walkin back from the cotton fields with Sue an me, when a big ole black arm poke out from a clump of bushes an beckon her over. Me an Sue stopped, an Major Fritch walk over to the clump of bushes an say, "Who's that in there?" All of a sudden, the big ole arm reached out an grapped a holt of Major Fritch an snatched her into the bush. Sue an me looked at each other an then run over to where she was. Sue got there first an I was about to leap into the bushes mysef, when Sue stop me. He start shakin his head an wavin me away, an we walked off a little bit an waited. They was all sorts of souns comin from in there, an the bushes is shakin like crazy. I finally figgered out what was goin on, but from the soun of Major Fritch's voice, it didn't appear she was in no danger or nothin, so Sue an me went on back to the village.
Bout a hour later, here come Major Fritch an this great big ole feller who is grinnin ear-to-ear. She has got him by the han, leadin him along. She bring him into the hovel an say to me, "Forrest, I want you to meet Grurck," an she lead him forward.
"Hi," I say. I had seen this feller aroun the village before. Grurck be grinnin an noddin an I nodded back. Sue, he be scratchin his balls.
"Grurck done axed me to move in with him," she say, "an I think I will, since it is sort of crowded in here for the three of us, wouldn't you say?"
I nod my head.
"Forrest. You wouldn't tell nobody bout this, would you?" Major Fritch axed.
Now who in hell was she thinkin I would tell, is what I want to know? But I just shook my head, an Major Fritch got her shit an went off with Grurck to his place. An that's the way it was.
The days an months an finally the years come an go, an ever day me an Sue an Major Fritch be workin in the cotton fields, an I am beginnin to feel like Uncle Remus or somebody. At night, after I finish wuppin Big Sam at chess, I go into the hovel with ole Sue an we set aroun for a wile. It has got to where Sue an me can sort of talk to each other, gruntin an makin faces an wavin our hans. After a long time I am able to piece together his life story, an it turn out to be bout as sorry as mine.
When he was jus a little bitty ape, Sue's mama an poppa was walkin in the jungle one day when these guys come along an thowed a net over them, an drug them off. He managed to get on with an aunt an uncle till they kicked him out for eatin too much, an then he was on his own.
He was okay, jus swingin in the trees an eatin bananas till one day he got curious bout what is goin on in the rest of the world, an he swang hissef thru tree after tree till he come on a village near the edge of the jungle. He is thirsty an come down an set by a stream to drink some water when this feller come by paddlin a canoe. Sue ain't never seen a canoe, so he set there watchin it an the feller paddle over to him. He think the feller want to give him a ride, but instead, the feller conked Sue over the head with his oar an hog-tied him an nex thing he knew, he was sold to some guy that put him in a exhibit in Paris.