“Seems the wine didn’t affect this,” I whispered mischievously.
He grinned, and then we were pulling at each other’s clothes, tossing them to the ground, and sinking to the floor, our naked bodies intertwined.
There was only one problem.
As I built up closer and closer to orgasm, as my conscious thoughts shut down and my body took over, I began to see Derek.
Just flashes of him at first.
I would imagine
him
moving in and out of me, filling me up.
The first time it happened, I opened my eyes in shock – and was reassured to see Ryan above me, staring lovingly into my eyes.
Once the alarm passed, I eased back into the moment, feeling his body move in and out of mine –
And then Derek was there instead.
I tried desperately to push him out of my mind –
But over and over, as I neared orgasm, he was there – not all the time, but flashes of him, so that I was never sure from second to second whether I was thinking of Ryan or of Derek. I didn’t want to, but trying to push him away brought me back to fear and anxiety and stopped me from coming, and I wanted to come, to feel good again, to let the pleasure wash away all my doubt and fear. I would deal with the guilt later.
And so I let him in.
First Ryan, then Derek.
One, then the other.
Close my eyes and it was Derek.
Open them, and it was Ryan.
I lost all control over my thoughts and suddenly orgasm washed over me, through me, obliterating all thought.
I screamed.
Thank God I didn’t call out a name.
81
Ryan parked the BMW outside the music studio in downtown Athens just five minutes before noon.
“You can come in if you want,” Ryan said as we both got out of the car.
I didn’t want to tell him that I couldn’t face Derek right now. Not after last night in the parking lot… and afterwards, when I kept seeing both his and Ryan’s face during sex.
As I lay awake last night in bed and listened to Ryan drop off to sleep, I had started building a psychological fortress to protect myself: a wall separating me and Ryan from Derek, formed with bricks of denial, logic, promises of self-control… whatever was at hand as my thoughts raced through my head.
But I wasn’t sure the wall could withstand another attack so soon.
And I sure as hell didn’t want to admit to Ryan I was building a wall at all.
So instead, I went with the lesser reasons I didn’t want to go into the studio.
“No thanks. I don’t particularly like getting called ‘Yoko.”
“I’ll tell her to stop.”
I walked around to his side and got the keys from him. “Like
that’ll
happen. You know she’ll just whisper it when your back is turned. And I
really
don’t want to face Miles’s wrath.”
“He’s not going to get mad at you.”
“You can guarantee that?”
Ryan sighed. “Fine… I’ll call you when we’re finished, or I’ll get a cab to take me – ”
“Hey!” a familiar voice shouted across the parking lot.
I tensed up, then turned slowly around.
Derek.
He strode up to us, all smiles.
First he looked at me, searching my eyes – and I knew he knew. I knew he could see it scrawled across my face, could almost hear his thoughts telepathically:
You didn’t tell him.
His smile became the tiniest bit broader. Like he was letting me know,
It’s our little secret
.
“Morning, Kaitlyn.”
“Good morning,” I said, trying to keep the panic I felt out of my voice.
Then he turned to Ryan. “Hey, man, thanks for letting me take her out last night. It did me a world of good.”
Ryan forced a smile I knew wasn’t genuine. “Cool. Glad it worked out.”
“It worked out
great.
” Derek turned back to me. “What’s up, you’re not coming inside?”
“No, I think I’ll let you guys do your thing.”
“You should come in.”
“I don’t want to be a distraction.”
“You wouldn’t be a distraction, you’d be a good luck charm.”
“How’s that?”
“You were the inspiration for the first two albums. Might as well be there in person for the third.”
I remembered hearing his voice when ‘Girl, Please Stay’ played over my car radio for the first time. Both pain and nostalgia washed through me.
“Maybe the whole key is that I
wasn’t
there.”