“…even if you think I might break up with you because of it?” I asked dubiously.
“Even if I think you might break up with me,” he said solemnly. “You deserve the truth, no matter what, and I promise I’ll give it to you.”
Then he added, “Even though I’m never going to cheat on you again.”
I thought about it. I couldn’t trust him to be faithful – not yet; not entirely. Even if he wasn’t a scorpion anymore, he had acted like one in the past, and I was scared to death of being stung again.
However, I felt I
could
trust him to tell me the truth. I know that sounds stupid, since cheaters are inherently lying to you anyway… but he had told me enough hard truths over the last several months that I could find it within myself to trust him on that.
“Okay,” I agreed.
And so far I believe him when he says he hasn’t slept with anyone else.
The end result was things got a lot more equitable. For one, Derek and I have started having unprotected sex – which is fucking
hot
. And as he’s become more willing to give me oral sex without pressuring for anything in return, I’ve gradually warmed up to going down on him – which has been even
hotter.
Even though I technically live with Ryan, I spend three nights a week with him, and three with Derek. One night a week, I have the option of getting them both… at the same time.
We call them ‘Kaitlyn Nights.’
Shanna hates my guts.
Playfully, of course. But I really think a little part of her does. She calls me every Saturday begging for specifics on that week’s Kaitlyn Night, but I only giggle and provide her with the barest of details.
Let’s just say… things get a little crazy sometimes. Even crazier than that first night.
But they’re always,
always
fun.
Everybody’s handling it in their own way. Derek can get insanely jealous. He basically tries to outperform himself every time we’re alone together, hoping to ruin me for other men.
It’s been fun, but he hasn’t succeeded.
Ryan can get jealous, too, but he handles it a lot better. He knows that I value him for things Derek can’t give me, and he’s stopped seeing it as a failing that he can’t be everything to me all the time. If sex with Derek has gotten more acrobatic and adrenaline-filled, then sex with Ryan has become more intimate… more emotional… more meaningful. Deeper. Stronger. I can’t have a horrible day and cry in front of Derek, because he’ll just try to make me forget my woes by amping me up to his level. It’s fun sometimes, but it doesn’t feed my soul. Ryan can listen to me, hold me through the darkness, and keep me company until I emerge on the other side. I trust him more than anyone else in my life – and that’s a different kind of sexy, something no one else has ever been able to give me.
On the other hand, Derek has been taking note of what Ryan does and trying to emulate him. At the beginning it was all about ‘outdoing’ Ryan, but after a few heated discussions, he’s settled down and is just trying to ‘be’ with me. He’s been far more supportive and interested in my writing. Best of all, he’s completely done a 180 on his behavior around other women. No more signing boobs, no more flirting, no more game-playing. He’s become attentive and respectful in a way he never was before. And, like I said, I believe him that he’s being faithful.
I think I’m even starting to really, truly forgive him.
All in all, their competitiveness with each other drives them to be good to me, to compete for me in their own ways. I’m a
very
satisfied woman. In the bedroom
and
out.
The one downside is that our ‘arrangement’ has leaked out – or at least been speculated about – on the internet. Bigger’s fans (especially their
female
fans) have called me some pretty nasty stuff. Slut, whore, two-timing bitch – you name it, I see it a thousand times a day on Twitter and Facebook. People can call me whatever awful names they want, but what they don’t realize is that I’m completely devoted and faithful to the men I love. There just happen to be two at the same time, that’s all.
Not to mention that they both signed on for it. No lies, no games, no shame, no guilt, no fear.
Another huge benefit: the band stayed together.