56
Shanna’s cracks about breaking up the band might have darkened my mood, but Ryan’s newest work lightened it again. He was happier than I’d ever seen him, and it showed in his music. He would play new songs for me in the studio, and sometimes on the piano or guitar at night. The tunes and melodies were almost sunny, with a sweetness and playfulness I hadn’t heard before in Bigger’s music.
Ugh. Bigger. The band was like a shadow looming over our time together, making every moment bittersweet and the tiniest bit desperate. I pushed it out of my mind every time I thought about it, but I knew that Ryan would have to return to Athens to record, and I would go back to New York City. Even if the band stayed together, our golden summer was coming to an end in a matter of days.
And then came the possibility that maybe it wasn’t.
We were lying in bed after sex one night, twisted and tangled in the sheets, with him stroking my hair.
“Come with me to Athens,” he whispered, completely out of nowhere.
I lifted my head to look at him. “…what?!”
“Come with me back to Athens.”
My heart started pounding in my chest. All I could think of was Shanna’s wisecracks.
That, and Derek standing outside in the rainstorm.
“I can’t…”
Despite the darkness, I could still plainly see the pain on his face.
“Why not?” he asked.
“It’ll break up the band.”
Which was true. It absolutely would.
That might not have been my only reason, but it was a good one.
He chuckled. “No worries, then. We’re
already
broken up.”
I bolted upright into a seated position. “What?! When did – ”
“Relax, relax, I’m just joking,” he soothed me. “But seriously… if Derek’s going to quit, he’s probably already made up his mind, and nothing’s going to change that.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head violently. “You don’t know that. And if
I
show up, he’s
definitely
going to quit.”
“I don’t care anymore. If you’re not with me, I don’t want to be in the band.”
I stared at him in utter shock. “Do you even
hear
what you’re saying?!”
“Do you remember what we were talking about before we saw the cougar, that day on the trail?”
I tried to think back, but basically my entire memory stopped at getting thrown off my horse and watching a sleek, golden-haired killing machine eye me as lunch.
“You asked me what I would do if I had all the money I needed,” he continued. “I told you that I already did, and that I would just keep making music in my little home studio. You said I could get other musicians to come in and play with me, which I absolutely could. Killian and Riley would help me out no matter what. So I don’t need Bigger to be happy.”
“You would blow up the band over
me?!”
I asked frantically.
“No… I wouldn’t want to do that to Killian and Riley. So if it came down to me or Derek, I’d probably just quit.”
“You
can’t!”
“Of course I can.”
“No, you can’t – you can’t leave something you love just because of
me!”
“I don’t love being in the band, Kaitlyn. I love
you.
”
I was left utterly speechless.
He caressed my face with his hand. “You don’t have to feel the same way. I’m not expecting you to. I just want you to know that I love you, and that I – ”
“I love you, too,” I whispered.
The words just tumbled out of me. They were true – I knew they were true.
But they still scared the hell out of me.
They couldn’t have made Ryan happier, though. He grinned, sat up in bed next to me, and kissed me passionately.
After enjoying it for awhile, I finally pushed him away. “But I can’t let you break up the band over me.”
“I told you, we’re probably broken up already.”
“You don’t know that!”
“No, but I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m alright with it if it
does
go that way.”
“But you have to give it a chance – ”
“If I have to choose between you and Bigger, I choose you. Period.”
“Nobody’s making you choose!
I’m
not making you choose!”
“I know that. I’ll let Derek decide when he gets back. If he wants me out, then I’ll leave peaceably, and you and I can go do whatever we want. But I want to be with you.”
“You go back to Athens and talk to them. Then, if it’s cool, I’ll come and join you.”