12
JOHN
I grab two more beers from the fridge and head out to the pool. I changed into my swim trunks while Mia ran to get her suit on. To say I’m starting to have second thoughts is an understatement. It’s becoming harder and harder to resist this pull I feel towards her, and I’m not sure if being in the pool half-naked is a good idea. But hell if I was gonna turn her down when she looked so excited to swim.
I sit on the edge of the pool, dangling my feet in the water as I set our beers on the concrete next to me. I think of all the times I used to swim in this pool, and how it just doesn’t feel the same now. Nothing does. It’s like there’s this gray undercurrent that makes everything else seem less vibrant and not as interesting. It’s the strangest thing. I remember how I used to feel, and I’m aware that the way I’m feeling isn’t normal, but I just can’t shake this fog enough to allow myself to feel that way again.
The cottage door slams shut, and I smile at Mia as she comes across the driveway toward the pool. She has pulled her hair up into a messy bun and is wearing a black coverup dress and flip-flops. She looks so genuinely happy, and I’ve never been more jealous of a person's emotions in my life. I wish I could find a way to be that carefree again.
She walks over to me and pulls the coverup off to reveal an olive green one-piece suit. I force myself to not stare and focus back down at the water, but I can’t think about anything other than the fact that she’s so close. Next thing I know, she is a green blur flying past me as she jumps into the pool, the water splashing my legs. She surfaces, takes a big breath, and smooths her hair from her face.
“This is amazing. The water is so warm! What a beautiful night, huh? I wish we could see the sunset from here.” She treads water and looks up at the sky. It’s just starting to get dark, and she looks mesmerizing with the water reflecting around her. She swims over to where I’m sitting and pulls herself up slightly onto the ledge, resting on her elbows, and reaches for the beer I brought her. I watch her take a sip, unable to take my eyes away from her.
“Do you ever get lonely living here all by yourself?” she asks, looking up at me.
Actually, I try my best not to feel much of anything most of the time. I realized pretty early on after coming home that if I leaned too much into any emotion—happy or sad—that it was a slippery slope. It was too easy to spiral into the memories and drown in the anger, sadness, and grief. I’ve been living in this dull gray area where I don’t feel much of anything. I’ve been comfortable there.
“No.”
She looks up at me, as if waiting for me to say more. When I don’t, she gives me a small smile and swims backwards. As if there is some magnetic force between us, I can’t stop my body from pushing off the edge and slipping in the water. I don’t want her to shut down, but I also don’t want to talk about me.
“So why did you and your ex break up?” I ask.
She swims to where she can touch, but the water is still up to her neck. She leans back against the pool wall and shrugs.
“We weren’t right for each other. We’ve broken up several times over the years, one of us always initiating it. There was never any big reason. We didn’t fight over anything… I think we both just had periods of time where we wondered if we would be better with someone else. I broke it off this time. In the past, we always ended up back together after a few weeks apart. Not this time, though. I’m ready to move on for good.”
I nod.
“When was your last relationship?” she asks me.
“I was dating a girl about a year before I was deployed. Nothing too serious. Nothing since.”
“Why not?”
No one’s been able to pull me out of my fog the way you seem to.
I shrug.
“What’s your type?”
You.
I shrug again, not quite sure how to respond. I’m okay with small talk, but when it comes to expressing myself, I usually shut down. It just happens automatically. Our eyes meet from opposite sides of the pool, and I hold her stare, wishing I could silently tell her everything I want to say without having to say it out loud. She gives me a small smile and starts swimming slowly towards me.
“I think I have you figured out.” Her eyes narrow, like she’s thinking hard.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yup.” She stops a few feet in front of me, running her hands over the top of the water. My heart starts beating faster.
“Care to enlighten me?” My eyes stay glued to hers.
“Well... you’re a good guy, for one. I’ve seen you over at Rose’s, helping her out. You like to keep to yourself most of the time, and I never see any friends over here. You don’t open up to many people, and if I ask you a question too personal, you shut down. You like the ocean, but you don’t go to the beach very often—too many people. Gold Cliff is your favorite drink, and The Toasted Crab is your favorite place to eat.”
She comes a few inches closer, my heart beating even faster, like it does every time she’s this close. She looks down, as if she’s suddenly shy.
“And… I think that maybe you like me, but you won’t admit it.” She glances up and locks eyes with mine again.
My mind goes blank while I think of how to respond. She misinterprets my silence and starts backing away, but my body refuses to let her put more distance between us. My hand seems to agree, because it reaches out to grab hers. She stops and lets me come closer until my face is only inches away from hers, my hand still clutching hers. I twist my hand and thread my fingers in between hers. I typically haven’t liked to be touched at all, but this feels good. Instead of my body tensing, it almost seems to relax a little.
“I think you might be right,” I force out, looking down at the water. I can feel her eyes on me.
“About which part?”
“All of it,” I say quietly, bringing my eyes back up to meet hers.
She closes the space between us until our bodies touch, our stomachs brushing against each other in the water, and one of her knees between mine. My breath hitches, and all of a sudden, my brain is working overtime.
This isn’t a good idea. You’re not ready for this, John. It won’t be fair to her.
She interrupts my rambling brain by leaning in and pressing her lips to mine. My heart jumps, and my body instinctively takes over. My hand reaches up to cradle the back of her head, and the other hand comes to rest on the swimsuit fabric on her hip. She brings both of her hands to the sides of my face as our lips move against each other.
Damn, this feels good.
She presses herself tighter against me, squeezing the back of my neck. We continue to kiss until my brain starts up again.
Don’t do this, man. You’re not good enough for her.
I reluctantly break contact and press my head to her forehead, both of us breathing heavily.
“Mia… you don’t want me.” It comes out rougher than I intended.
She raises her eyes to mine, foreheads still connected.
“What if I do?” she whispers.
“Mia…” I force myself to put some space between us, even though every single cell in my body is screaming to do the opposite.
“I’m... working through some stuff. You deserve somebody who can give you more than I can. Trust me… I'm not good enough for you.”
I swim to the pool stairs and sit on the second step from the top, running my hands over my face, feeling like an asshole again for crossing that line. She spends a moment staring at me and then moves my way. She swims slowly then sits down next to me, our arms brushing against each other.
“I think you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, John,” she says quietly. “I’m not asking for anything serious, and I’m not expecting anything.”
I shake my head. “I’m not good at opening up, as you’ve noticed. It’s hard for me. I’m not good with people.”
“That’s okay. I’m good with people, so I’ll be great for both of us,” she says with a small smile.
I manage a half-smile.
“Whatever this is…” She waves her hand in between us. “Let’s not label it. No pressure. Let’s just see what happens.”
I nod, contemplating what she’s saying. “I think I can handle that.” I’m not sure if I can, but she makes me want to try. I shift so my body is tilted toward hers. I feel the urge to open up to her, even if I can only give her something small. “There’s something about you, Mia. I feel more comfortable with you than anyone else. You make things easier for me, for some reason.”
Her face lights up. She smiles, then rests her head on my shoulder.
“I’m glad,” she says.
She grabs my hand and slips her fingers in between mine, letting our arms hang down so they touch the water, while she brings her other arm across her body to hook onto my arm, squeezing as close to my side as she can. I let myself soak it in, because her touch feels so warm, so comforting. We spend the next half hour sitting on the step, snuggled together, dangling our feet in the pool. We stay mostly quiet, as if she understands that I’m the most comfortable that way. Eventually, she stands and grabs her towel and coverup. She walks back to me and plants a kiss on my cheek.
“Goodnight, John.” She starts walking back to the cottage.
I watch her as she walks away.
“Goodnight, Mia.”