25
MIA
I keep my eyes focused on my hands in my lap the entire ride to the airport. I don’t want to look out the window. I don’t want to see Hawaii. The beautiful scenery, the beach, the coffee shop, the bar, all the places that were starting to feel like mine… the places that were almost my home… I can’t bear to see. I didn’t even give the main house or the cottage a second look when I left because it would have reduced me to a puddle on the ground. It took every last bit of strength in me to just get myself and my stuff in the car.
Technically, I still had several days left before I was supposed to fly home. But how could I stay? How could I stay after I poured my heart out and begged John to love me, and he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He didn’t offer a single word to me. I know he has a hard time expressing himself and communicating, and I think I’ve been more than patient and understanding with that. But I can’t do it anymore. I’m not going to leave my old life behind for a new life that doesn’t have a strong foundation. As much as it kills me, I know I’m making the right choice.
After I left John yesterday, I spent the day in the cottage, packing, booking an earlier flight, and talking to my mom and Paige. I filled them in on everything, and they were patient listeners, as always. I can’t wait to get home and hug them. And my dad, who is picking me up from the airport. I couldn’t help but sneak a few glances at the main house while I was packing, but the house was completely dark. I had to talk myself out of worrying about him, reminding myself that I was done putting his needs before mine. This was the last straw.
After about twenty minutes of successfully avoiding looking outside, the car finally arrives at the airport and comes to a stop. “Thank you,” I murmur to the driver, and then get out to grab my luggage. I wheel a cart over and place everything on top, then start pushing it into the airport. I make it all the way through baggage claim, security, and find my gate. While waiting for boarding to start, I pass the time by thinking of my trip to Hawaii as a whole. I had initially come needing a change of scenery, a fresh outlook on life after Sean. While I was here, I happened to fall in love with a man who was battling demons much bigger than anything I’ve ever experienced. My mom had warned me about going home with a broken heart, and she was right.
I pull out my phone and call Paige, desperate to hear her voice. She answers on the second ring.
“Mia?” She sounds worried.
“Yeah, hi. I just needed to talk to somebody. I made it to the airport.” I can barely muster a whisper.
“Oh, Mia… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish there was something I could do.”
“I’ll be okay… I think.”
“You know what? I’m gonna pick up some essentials—ice cream, wine, chocolate—and I’ll meet you at your place when you get home, okay? We’ll get through this together, like we always do.” I smile, comforted by her offer.
“I appreciate it, Paige, but don’t bother. I’m probably just gonna crash when I get home. Jet lag is gonna be ugly. Can you come over tomorrow, though?”
“Of course.”
“Oh, they’re just starting to board, so I’ll talk to you later. Thanks, Paige… I’ve really missed you.”
“I can’t wait to see you. Have a good flight, and I’ll see you soon.”
My row is finally called, and I board the plane. I get settled in my seat, close the window shade, and pull my eye mask over my eyes, hoping it will help to cover the tears that will surely come. I don’t even bother to notice if anyone is sitting next to me. I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone right now.
Eventually, the plane takes off, and I spend the next nine hours nursing my broken heart, desperately missing the only person who could make it whole again.
* * *
“There’s my peanut!” Dad smiles as he pulls me in for a hug. I’m too tired to roll my eyes at his nickname for me, so I just smile and hug him back.
“Hi, Dad.” He grabs my luggage cart and pushes it towards the exit.
“Welcome home, you ready to go?” he asks as he throws his arm around my shoulder. I nod, and we make our way out the door to his car that is waiting for us outside. The cold air blasts my face, and I’m glad to see that it’s warmed up to a balmy 32 degrees.
Once we’re in the car, he pulls away from the airport en route to Maple Grove, where my apartment is.
“So, did you have nice weather on your trip? I saw it was in the 80s pretty much every day you were there.” I smile, appreciating the fact that he’s avoiding bringing up John. “The weather was great,” I reply. We chat the whole ride home, mostly about some new restaurants he and mom went to while I was away. I try to put all of my focus on him and what he’s saying, but my mind keeps drifting to John and how much I miss him. At one point, I pull down the visor and peek at myself in the mirror. I’m not surprised to see that my eyes are all puffy from crying on the plane.
He pulls into my apartment parking lot and parks. My shoes crunch on snow as I step out of the car. Dad helps me carry my luggage up to my apartment on the second floor. Once inside, I thank my dad and shoo him out the door, telling him I’m exhausted and need a nap. I shut the door, turn around, and look around my apartment. It’s a cute one-bedroom unit with gray walls and white trim. The kitchen is to the left when you walk in, connected to a small living room, and then the hallway to the bathroom and bedroom are on the right.
I love my apartment, and usually look forward to coming home, but it feels different this time. It’s like the connection I once felt here is gone. I let out a deep breath. I was ready to give all this up to be with John. Even though I hadn’t made up my mind yet about staying in Hawaii, a part of me had started to let this apartment go. This doesn’t feel like home to me now, either. No place feels like home except John. He is my home. Except my home doesn’t want me, and I need to come to terms with that.
Maybe I should have agreed to let Paige meet me here. Being by myself in this apartment feels so depressing now. I take a deep breath and bend down to pick up one of my suitcases, when I hear a knock on my door. Surprised, I open the door to find Paige holding a grocery bag.
All of a sudden, the tears are uncontrollable. I’m so thankful she didn’t listen to me; I really need my best friend right now. She gives me a sympathetic smile, sets the bag down, and throws her arms around me in a hug. I can’t hold back at all anymore, and she lets me hang onto her, my tears soaking her shoulder, until I’m too exhausted to stand anymore.
She shoos me over to the couch while she starts scooping ice cream into bowls. When she walks over to me, I can’t help but laugh at the huge bowl she filled for me. It’s nearly overflowing with chocolate ice cream, my favorite. She pulls out a bottle of red wine and pours a couple glasses for us, setting the bottle on the coffee table in front of us.
“You know what?” she says, her eyes lighting up. “I have an even better idea.” She grabs the wine and pours some directly into my bowl of ice cream. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” I can’t help but laugh through my tears.
“What would I do without you, Paige?”
“Well, you’d probably be wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself. Which you can totally still do, by the way. But at least you won’t be alone.” She gives me a smile. “How are you feeling?”
I let out a deep breath. “I’m heartbroken, Paige. I love him, I really do. I keep wondering if I made the right choice by coming home. He clearly needs help. Maybe I should have stayed to make sure he’ll be okay.”
“I get it, but honey, there’s only so much you can do for another person. You can’t make him get help if he doesn’t want it for himself.”
“I know… that’s what I keep reminding myself.” I take a bite of my ice cream-slash-wine and discover that it’s actually not bad.
“Do you want to watch a movie?”
“Not really…. I just want to eat my boozy ice cream and go to sleep. Is that all right?”
“Of course.”
We finish our ice cream in silence. One of the things I love about my friendship with Paige is that while we both love to talk, we don’t need to fill the silence with words. Right now, I appreciate her silent support more than she knows. When I bring our bowls to the kitchen, she doesn’t even ask if I’d like her to stay. She just follows me to my room, where we get ready for bed. After I brush my teeth, I climb into bed, with Paige right next to me, holding my hand, and I allow the endless tears to continue.
Two weeks later
“There you are!” Paige calls as she rushes to the table and gives me a quick hug. We’re meeting during our lunch breaks at one of our favorite little cafes. She pulls her chair out and sits down. “How’s work going today?” she asks.
“It’s going okay. You know, the usual. Nothing too crazy. How about you?” Paige is a second-grade teacher at an elementary school in Plymouth. She doesn’t have a long lunch break, so we’re meeting at the cafe that’s right down the street from her school. “Oh, it’s good! Second-graders are something else, man. If I have to hear one more story about aliens invading earth and sucking up cows into their spaceships…” She shakes her head.
I laugh. Paige always has the best stories about the things her students say. I try not to think of Hazel every time she brings up her students, but it’s been hard not to. Dang, I miss that girl. I didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye before I left.
She gives me a sympathetic smile. “How’ve you been doing? Honestly? Has it gotten any easier being home? Or do you still miss him?” Of course, I miss him. I miss him with every fiber of my being. Every little thing reminds me of him. I can’t sleep because I know he’s not sleeping well either, without me, and every single day I have to talk myself out of just jumping on a plane and flying back to him.
“Yeah, I miss him a lot.” There isn't much else to say that hasn’t already been said. Paige has spent nearly every day with me since I’ve been back, bringing me food or dragging me out to go to the mall or one of our favorite restaurants. We’ve also had our fair share of wine and ice cream in the last two weeks. I don’t know what I would do without her; she truly is the best.
She nods in understanding. “That sucks. And still no word from him?” I shake my head. “Nope.” Our food arrives, and we start eating our salads.
“Guess who did call me last night, though,” I say.
Her brow lifts in surprise. “Sean?”
“Yup. He wanted to talk about us, which I figured. But we had a nice conversation, actually, and I think we’re finally on the same page. John or no John, Sean and I just aren’t meant for each other.”
She nods her head. “Well, I know you had already moved on, but I’m glad at least he can move on now too, and you have some closure to that relationship.” I nod in agreement, displaying the fake smile I’ve gotten good at showing.
When I first got back from Hawaii, I was wondering how our friend dynamic would change now that Sean and I were no longer together. When a couple breaks up, the mutual friends typically have to choose a side. Well, I guess while I was in Hawaii, they just naturally gravitated towards Sean. Most of them, anyway. There are a couple friends who are still making an effort to be friends with me, too, and of course, I still have Paige, but my friend group is drastically smaller than before I left. Even though it hurt my feelings at first, I'm all right with it now. I would rather keep my circle small and filled only with people I have a genuine friendship with.
“How’s Hinge going for you? Any dates lined up?” I ask. Paige has been on a few dates through the dating app, and she always has entertaining stories about them.
“Ugh, no. I’m sick of dating. I give up,” she says with a look of disgust. “Why is it so hard to date once you’re out of college? It’s like all the good ones are already taken. Hey, want to go see a movie tonight?”
“Oh, I can’t. I’m having dinner at my parents’ house tonight. Do you want to come? You know you’re always invited.”
“Sure! That sounds nice. I’ll come pick you up from work.” Paige is close with my parents, and she knows she doesn’t need a formal invite.
We finish our salads, say a quick goodbye, and then I rush back to work to finish out the work day. The building I work in has almost entirely head to toe windows, and I have a nice view of the falling snow from my office. As usual, it’s hard to focus, and I find myself wondering what John would have thought of the snow if he ever came here to visit. I think about how close I was to making a decision that would have so drastically altered my life. I was so close to saying yes to moving there. I was without a doubt in love with him. I’m still in love with him. That doesn’t just go away.
I feel a twinge of guilt for leaving him when he clearly needs help. But at the same time, Paige was right—how much can I help him if he doesn’t want to get help for himself? There’s only so much I could do. I know I made the best choice I could for me, and I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other to try to move forward with my life, even though my heart still hurts.
I finish editing an article and send a few emails. The hours pass slowly, but eventually my phone dings with a text from Paige saying she’s outside the building to pick me up. I shut my computer down for the day and close the door to my office. I say goodbye to a few coworkers that I pass as I walk out the doors to Paige. This is the best way I know how to put one foot in front of the other, and I keep clinging to the hope that the heartbreak will get easier over time.