And today…
Today I have to see Brandon.
I have to tell him that I didn’t leave him intentionally. That I didn’t—
I close my eyes, tilt my face upward, and let the warm water rain over me.
Brandon…
Once I thought he was the one. How different my life would be if I hadn’t been taken.
I’d probably still be playing volleyball, but as I got older, my career would be coming to an end. I’d be married, and maybe Brandon and I would be thinking about a family once I stopped playing professionally. I’d get a coaching job.
Those were our plans—the plans we always talked about.
Then I disappeared.
No body was found, and my family and friends—and Brandon—moved on. They had to. I’d have done the same thing. Survival depends on it.
I turn off the water, step out of the shower, and wrap myself in a white bath sheet. I use another towel to dry off my hair. It’s so short that I don’t need to do much to it.
I cut it off as soon as I got to the retreat center on the island. I’ll never wear it long again. It’s just something more that the men were able to grab. To bring me down.
They never shaved me. Katelyn told me once that they shaved her head before she came to the island, while she was still being held captive in…that concrete place. I don’t know where it was.
Katelyn was on the island when I got there. She spent nearly ten years there.
Ten fucking years.
What’s going on with her? She went to LA because her father was having some kind of surgery. I should call her. I have her number. I’ll ask Buck. Maybe, after we leave Colorado, we can go see her in LA.
Then I smile as something hits me. I’m trying to extend this time. Extend this time with Buck. I don’t want it to end.
That’s something. It’s something because it’s not a negative feeling, and I haven’t had any feelings except negative ones for so long.
The Wolfes gave me pocket money, and I bought some clothes while I was in Manhattan. I grab what I need out of my carry-on and dress in skinny jeans and a black T-shirt and flip flops. This is how I used to dress, and it feels normal to me even after everything.
I’m putting stuff in my purse when Buck peeks through the adjoining door. “Feel like breakfast?”
Oddly, I do. I actually feel like eating this morning.
“Sure.”
“There’s a buffet downstairs, or we can go somewhere else.”
“The hotel buffet is fine. This is The Four Seasons, after all.”
“True enough. Anytime you’re ready.”
I zip my purse closed. “How about now?”
“Absolutely.”
Buck looks amazing. He’s wearing jeans—the same ones as yesterday. I guess he didn’t bring a suitcase. His military boots, and a plain white T-shirt. And damn, I can see every group of muscles on his torso through that thin cotton.
He’s freshly showered, his hair damp.
“You doing okay?” he asks.
“Yeah. I’m sorry about my nightmare.”
“Hey.” He trails a finger over my cheek. “You don’t ever need to apologize to me. About anything. You hear me?”
I tingle at his touch as I nod.
He smiles. “I mean it.”
“I understand.”
“After what you’ve been through, Aspen, you don’t need to apologize to anyone.”
I lift my eyebrows.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“No. Not all. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m going say to Brandon when I see him, and of course my first inclination is to apologize. But you’re right. I didn’t do anything. Not intentionally. I don’t owe him an apology.”
“No, you don’t. But maybe he owes you one.”
“Why would he owe me one?”
“We don’t know if he does. Did he do anything to try to find you? Did your parents? I just don’t know.”
“I don’t know either. Like I said, I haven’t seen my parents. I’ve hardly spoken to them.”
“I’m sure they tried to find you.”
“I’m sure they did. I’m an only child, as you know. They adored me. It must have nearly killed them to lose me.”
“Hey, they haven’t lost you.”
“No. Except they kind of have. I’m not the same woman I was. I don’t think I ever will be.”
“People change, Aspen.”
I get what he’s saying. I do. But he also gets what I’m saying. I may have changed in five years no matter what, but after five years in captivity? Five years of being hunted like an animal? Of being tortured, abused, raped?
That changed me in ways they’ll never be able to understand.
We head downstairs and grab breakfast at the buffet.
Again, I’m surprised that I feel like eating. I fill my plate with some scrambled eggs, two slices of bacon, and a cinnamon Danish while Buck stands in the omelet line.
I head back to our table, and the server brings me the coffee and orange juice I ordered.
I mumble a quick thank you.