My eyes landed on the banner at the bottom of the web page that said ‘get the Mormon soak neck gaiter’ and I winced. Why would anyone want that on their fucking neck gaiter?
“No more straining.” I heard a humor-filled male voice say. “That’s what causes hemorrhoids. Also, you can always get some Preparation-H. It’ll make the burning and the swelling go down.”
I froze and slowly looked up, to find Ethel standing in the middle of the living room. With Tide at her side.
My face flamed hot, going from normal to scorching in half an instant.
Was my face still there?
Because I wasn’t sure if it was there.
It was so flaming hot that I swear it might as well have burned right off.
I stared at Tide, who was looking at me with a blank face and sparkling, humor-filled eyes. Then I looked at Ethel who stared at me guiltily. “You did this on purpose, didn’t you?”
Ethel opened her mouth and then closed it. “Well, what do you expect? I mean, you try to embarrass me to no end. I thought that it would be retribution. I didn’t realize that you’d…” She waved her hand at me. “Take it so far.”
The asshole.
I gave her shit when we were in public because she was so sheltered—on purpose—but she could’ve at least warned me that we weren’t by ourselves.
She knew that this man gave me shit.
She also knew that Tide had been the villain in my horror show since I was nine years old and started at the elementary with him.
She knew, yet she allowed me to do it anyway, because she didn’t like when I embarrassed her.
“Well then,” I sighed. “I guess I’ll be seeing y’all. Have a nice date.”
If that was what they were doing.
I walked back into my bedroom, got dressed, and headed right back out the door.
I ignored the two of them in the living room, discussing the dog situation that had once again kept Tide up all night.
In all honesty, Ricky Bobby kept me up, too.
But I felt bad that he was just left to his own devices, so I ignored it as best as I could.
After getting into my truck, I watched as Tide walked out of my place and toward his, but his gaze swept toward me when I started my truck up.
My face flamed all over again, and I tried not to throw up.
There was no way in hell he would never bring this up again.
• • •
I was right.
The first thing he did when I pulled back into my driveway an hour and a half later with groceries was set his sights on me.
The asshole.
“How’s your eraser doing?” he hollered.
I gritted my teeth and looked at my house, never once allowing my gaze to stray toward him.
“It’s great. Nice and full like it was this morning,” I replied through gritted teeth.
He chuckled darkly.
That’s the way the next week went, too.
Us seeing each other, him asking about my eraser, and me having to calm myself down so I didn’t stab him with whatever object I was holding.
• • •
I watched him pull up to his driveway and park the bike, trying in vain not to stare at me as he did. He failed spectacularly, watching as I sprayed my driveway off with a water hose at six in the morning.
He was in his usual attire. Blue scrub pants. Blue scrub top. Motorcycle boots. No helmet.
The dummy.
When the water hose no longer did its job, I switched to the leaf blower, not sure what else to do.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from asking.
At least he didn’t ask me about my eraser first.
“Why do you ask?” I asked.
His eyes went from me to the leaf blower and then back before saying, “Because you’re using a leaf blower at six in the morning when most people are asleep. Not to mention you’re blowing your grass, mud, and other shit into my yard. And getting it all over my bike.”
I looked at what he was indicating, then sighed. “Well, to be one-hundred-percent honest… I wasn’t trying to aim for your house or your bike or your yard. I was just trying to get this thing to go away.”
Tide’s brows went together in question. “What?”
I pointed at the snake that kept trying to crawl back toward me.
“This thing right here won’t go the fuck away,” I said. “And I’m sorry, but I don’t want it in my yard. Or my carport. Or my fucking boots.”
Tide moved closer until he could see what I was talking about, then tilted his head. “You do realize, right, that that is poisonous?”
“Venomous,” I corrected him.
“What?” he asked.
“Venomous. Snakes are venomous. Not poisonous,” I explained.
He sighed. “Whatever. That’s a water moccasin. You should just kill it with that hoe I see over your head.”