I nod, and he smiles, glancing over at Maggie with so much love in his eyes that my heart aches.
“And then she had to take a step past her fears.”
Maggie nods, pursing her lips as though she mentally recalls just how hard that was to do.
“You weren’t sure at the beginning?” I ask her.
“No. I wasn’t really sure about anything. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t know how I was going to cope with being a mom. I didn’t think I could trust these men who said they loved my baby and me…a baby who wasn’t biologically connected to them. All I could imagine was the absolute worst outcome. That I’d fall in love with these men, and they’d let me down, and it would be even more terrible because they’d let my baby down, too.”
“She had to try and let those ideas go,” John says. “If she didn’t, we wouldn’t all be here.”
“So you’re saying I have to let go of my fears?” I ask.
“I don’t know what you’re scared of, Cora. But if there are things that are holding you back from a loving relationship, then it’s up to you to try and deal with them. Only you can put in the work, and you will reap the benefits because life isn’t anything without love and family.”
“Even if I can do all that,” I say. “My mom won’t accept it, and neither will their dad. What kind of start to a relationship is one that splits a family open that way?”
“Parents come around in time, especially where grandkids are involved,” Dwayne says with a wink.
“Kids? I don’t think so. I mean, Dale is lovely, but I don’t want to be having kids any time soon. I have too many pots to make.”
“Forget the kids,” Maggie says. “But the rest I am in one hundred percent agreement of.”
“You think I need to face my fears?”
“Absolutely. You can’t hide from them, sweetie. They’re always there, lurking in the background, getting ready to jump out and ruin things at a moment’s notice. It’s not easy, but it’ll be worth it. Whether that means you end up with the Carltons or with someone else in the future, allowing yourself the permission to be happy is something you just can’t wait on.”
Nodding, I reach for the pancakes that Trey has placed in front of me. I guess if I’m going to have to think about my fears, I’ll be best doing it with a full stomach.
28
CORA
“We should go see some art today,” Maggie says after we’ve finished breakfast. “There’s a small art gallery that I’ve been meaning to take Dale to. He loves drawing so much, and I thought it might give him some inspiration. Stimulate his little creative side. Would you like to go with us?”
“Sure,” I say, grateful to have something to do. There’s a saying that procrastination is the thief of time, but for once, I’m happy to let my inability to make a decision let me waste an afternoon with my friend.
It takes Maggie a while to get Dale ready, pack a ton of snacks and other things that might be needed on what is supposed to be a short trip, and tidy the house enough that she feels comfortable leaving. During that time, I sit on the porch swing and rock myself back and forth, remembering times I spent with my dad before he left, and trying to recall what I felt like without the gaping hole he left in my chest.
I see myself as a different person in those memories. A little girl who had all the security she could want. A little girl who trusted the adults in her life would always be there to give her the stability she needed.
And the little girl after? It’s like she was standing in an earthquake, with the ground shifting underneath her feet, and fractures forming all around her. Since then, I’ve regarded every relationship in my life as something that could fissure and break apart with no warning. Even Mom, who’s always been there for me, has chosen to follow a path away from me.
Is that why this whole time I’ve been pushing the Carltons away?
“I’m ready,” Maggie says. “Sorry about the wait.”
She locks the front door, keeping Dale’s hand firmly in hers. I reach out to take her bag and follow her down to her car. It’s a great hulking thing with a sliding door opening into its cavernous interior. It looks as though it could fit a whole sports team. Dale is secured into his car seat, and I climb into the passenger seat, fastening my belt.
Maggie drives like she’s worried the car is going to explode if she presses the gas pedal too hard. I guess, with her son in the back, she’s more conscious of safety. Still, I feel like Miss Daisy as we make our way to the gallery.