I don’t know what I was going to say but he interrupts.
‘No. I know what I’m capable of, what I’ve done to my brothers.’
I swallow heavily.
‘I’m not going to call you again, and I’m not going to see you, but I needed you to know that this was real. That you mean something to me, and always will. You’re the first woman I’ve kissed in a very long time.’ He lifts his thumb to my lips, stroking it across the flesh there, and I shudder because I want to press ‘pause’ and ignore everything that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours.
My eyes sting, my throat hurts. I have no idea what to say.
‘I’m so fucked up.’ The words are like little bullets, shattering against me. ‘But you were—are—the most amazing person I’ve ever known.’ He steps back towards me and hesitates for the briefest moment before pressing a kiss to my lips. So light, so brief, I wonder if I’ve imagined it. Then, a second later, his hand curls around my cheek. ‘Take care of yourself, okay?’
* * *
‘I’m glad you came back.’ Grace pushes out of their door and wraps me in a huge hug—for a tiny person, she has bear-like qualities when it comes to hugs. I’m not generally a hugging type person but Grace doesn’t care.
‘You sure?’ The question is laced with irony but she rolls her eyes, her smile filled with kindness—kindness I don’t deserve.
‘Yeah, I’m sure. Come in.’ She puts her hand on my elbow and drags me in, as much as she’s able, as though I might back out at the last moment. When I walk in, it’s to see Jagger sitting on the sofa, Felicity in his arms, a bottle up to her mouth. He eyes me warily. His face sports a matching bruise; we did this to each other. It’s not the first time we’ve fought, but it’s the first time I’ve known myself to be almost completely in the wrong.
I stand there, not knowing what to say, where to sit, what to do. And I look at Felicity and find myself thinking about Cora, about her baby, about her loss and grief, her courage and strength. I find myself thinking about fate and life, about Jagger and Grace and the way they found each other, about this baby they have, so sweet, and such a mix of them, and the darkness creeps back in.
Darkness at what I don’t have, at what I’ve never known, darkness at what I’ve lost.
‘Give me a second.’ Jagger stands up, his skill at doing that while holding a sleeping baby impressive, and strides across to the crib in the lounge. He places the baby in, pausing to press a hand to her chest and then turns to face me.
‘Out here.’
‘Do you want a coffee?’ Grace doesn’t whisper. Her voice reaches us so I instinctively look towards Felicity—she barely flinches.
‘No, thanks. I won’t stay long.’
‘You sure? We’re having crab linguine for lunch.’
My smile feels tight. I could really do with a beer but I don’t ask for one.
Jagger leads the way to the balcony and closes the glass doors behind us. Once out there, he gives me the full force of his attention, his look difficult to read. But I know Jagger. I know him as well as I know myself. Our experiences in life are comparable. I get him.
‘I was pissed off.’
His lips twist into a grimace. ‘Is that an apology?’
I look out over Sydney, my eyes instinctively finding the balcony of my penthouse, visions of Cora wrapped in a blanket populating my vision so for a moment breathing is difficult.
‘Look—’ Jagger sighs, apparently not waiting for an answer ‘—I get it. You were pissed off. That’s how you live your life now, and Theo and I want to help you but I’m fucked if I know how. What do we do, man? What would you do?’
I hear the helplessness in his voice. I hear the same tone Cora used with me last night, frustration at their inability to make me snap out of this and stop giving a shit about the fact Ryan lied to me all my life.
‘I don’t know.’ It’s the truth. ‘Do you think I want to feel like this?’
‘No.’
‘I want—I’ve always known I was different to you guys, but I thought it was because I wasn’t a Hart from birth. I thought it was because I crashed into your family and pushed your mom away. But maybe on some biological level I knew. And now I have no idea if I’ll ever get the answers I want. Maybe I’ll never know who my dad is. I’ll never know why Ryan took me in.’
‘You probably won’t,’ Jagger agrees. But his tone softens when he speaks again. ‘But none of that changes who you are, or what you mean to us. You’re our brother. You’re the guy we grew up with, you’re the one who remembers everything about every single movie we’ve ever watched, who can stay up all night and run a marathon the next day, the one who makes us laugh by refusing to laugh at any damned thing.’
‘You don’t get it.’ Though his words do something strange to me, pushing at my insides. ‘I feel like I’m missing this huge part of me. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I came from or why I ended up living with you. Everything about my life is either a mystery or a lie. I spend my days working in “our” business feeling like a fucking fraud because Hart Brothers Industries isn’t my birthright. Not like it is yours and Theo’s. I have no idea why Ryan raised me but I can’t keep acting like this is normal.’
‘Bullshit. Ryan loved you. He tried to adopt you—that’s the one thing we do know about this. And you want to talk about something being missing? What do you think Theo and I have felt like this last year or so? You’ve checked out, disappeared, and it’s like we’ve lost an arm or something. You barely know my wife, my baby, you’re never around and when you are you’re drunk and aggressive. You’re our brother. Did you even stop to think about what you’re taking away from us by simply disappearing?’