Chapter Twenty

Ana

I’m pacing in my room again, as angry as I am hurt over what I overheard between Luke and Adam. Angry at myself for not stopping him when he left the room. Angry at myself for not telling him I love him, too, in that shower. I set that whole situation aside as I stewed over Kurt, but Kurt is dead and thankfully, Luke is not and I have yet to say all the things to him I need to say.

And I’m also angry at him for suggesting he has to leave again. He told me he won’t do that to me or us. I halt and decide I need to end this back and forth. I can’t promise I won’t struggle over Kasey, but I’d rather struggle with him than without him. I need to end this back and forth between me and Luke right now. He is in this or he is out. It can’t change every time we fight, because right now, we are going to fight. I don’t care if Adam comes along for the ride, but when we’re done coming to blows, we are done.

This has to end.

Decision made, I rotate and stalk toward the door, hurrying back down the stairs, but when I arrive in the living room, he’s gone and Adam is alone. I screech to a halt, curling my fingers in my palms and willing myself down a notch. Not an easy process, especially when some part of me really needs to see Luke right now. Just see him, just know he’s still here, he’s still alive and well, and ready for whatever comes next. I huff out a breath and press my hands to my face. When I drop my hands, Adam is glancing over his shoulder at me. He pats the couch. “Come talk to me.”

“Where is he?”

“Downstairs running on the treadmill. You might want to let him run off that steam before you go to war. You’ll have a better chance of winning. Come talk to me.” He indicates the beer on the table. “You can finish that off for him.”

Luke’s a physical person, which is part of why sex with him is always so intense. He’s all in or nothing. I want all in, right now, even if it requires a battle, but Adam’s watching me, willing me to join him, as if he has something to say. The man is fighting and risking his life for me. I can’t deny his request. I could, but it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I know Luke is here. I know he’s one level down. He didn’t leave. That’s enough for now.

Reluctantly, I accept his suggestion and join him, but I ignore the beer, my fingers curling on the cushions of the couch. “I love him.” I glance over at Adam. “I don’t blame him for what happened to Kasey, but I never got the chance to fully deal with it, either. He left. How is it fair that I never got the chance to even be angry with him? Could he not just stay for me and bear the brunt of that anger and pain? Was that too much to ask?” I cut my gaze. “Sorry. Sorry. You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough. Have you said that to him?”

“No. He always disappears before I can.”

His lips quirk. “He’s not gone. He’s just on the treadmill.”

“I overheard. He wants to save me and leave again. I can save myself.”

“But do you want to?”

“I don’t want him to leave. But I don’t want to be an obligation either.” I press my hands to my face again and groan with my admission before I look at Adam. “I threw his past in his face. Just a little, but I did it. He trusted me with that information and I know how it affects him. I sort of opened the door and told him to leave, I guess, right?”

“No. You’re human, Ana. No matter what, no matter how it happened, he was the one who pulled the trigger of the gun that killed Kasey. Then he went upstairs tonight and suggested even the memories you have of Kurt are lies. You lashed out. It’s a human thing to do.”

“Human or not, it caused additional damage we can’t afford.”

“I don’t agree. I think silence, and walking on eggshells, are what cause trouble. Don’t just start the fight. End the fight.”

“That’s my intent, but he always leaves.”

“He left once.”

“I overhead, Adam. He said he was going to leave again.”

“Did he? Because that’s not really what I heard. He said he has to settle for less than what he wants. In other words, he wants to stay.” I open my mouth to argue that point but he holds up a hand and shifts to face me more fully. “My parents, they’re gone now, but like Luke’s, they were in love and married a very long time. They didn’t live a life without struggles. They just refused to allow them to define who they were as people and a couple.”

“Struggles are one thing. This is another whole level.”

“Is it? My parents lost a child. There was a lot of blame thrown on one side. They got by it.”

“Oh. Wow. Yes, that’s rough. I’ve seen that happen. I’ve been there when the parents found out. Those are some of the worst moments of my job. How old were you?”

“Twenty-two, which will forever be the worst year of my life.”

“I’m afraid this year will be mine,” I say, and unbidden, tears burn my eyes. “Because if I find out Kurt was dirty, and Luke and I can’t work this out, I’ll have lost everyone.”

“Can I make a suggestion on how you might think of the Kurt situation?”

“Of course. Luke trusts you. I can see that. That holds weight for me.”

“Because you trust Luke,” he assumes.

“I do trust him.”

“Well, suggestion number one: tell him. If you already have, tell him again. Then hit repeat. As for the Kurt situation, you’re an FBI agent. And sure, you could think he hid things from you because he didn’t want to get in trouble. But maybe, just maybe, he hid them from you to protect you and to look good in your eyes. Maybe he just wanted you to be proud of him.”

I consider the wisdom of his words and decide I already know, but I ask anyway, “What did you do before Walker Security? I’m not sure I remember or that I knew at all.”

“SEAL.”

“Team Six?”

“I was,” he confirms. “Why?”

“Because my father told me you can spot a Sixer if you know what to do look for. They’re the elite, the most intelligent, and the deadliest, and somehow still human. It’s a unique person, an exceptional person, who can be all of those things at once. I don’t know how you connected with Luke when he doesn’t easily connect with very many people, but I’m glad you did.”

“The feeling is mutual, I assure you. And he connected to you, Ana. He’s still connected to you, but you’re right. He could easily decide to leave. In fact, if I’m being honest with you, right now I believe he’d die for you before he’d stay for you.”

His words might as well be a blade carving holes in my heart, but he’s not wrong. I know he’s not wrong. “I know,” I whisper. “You know I know.”

“Then what are you going to do about it?”

“Cuff him to my arm like he did me if that’s what I have to do.”

He chuckles. “Good plan.” He lifts his beer. “Better get to it.”

I surprise myself and muster a smile. “Thanks, Adam,” I say.

He gives me a nod. “Anytime. I’m sure you’ll return the advice.”

I laugh. “Loudly and dogmatically probably.”

“I would expect nothing less.”

I push to my feet and prepare for battle. One where no one dies, but there’s perhaps a lot of shouting and a lot of getting naked. If I’m lucky. If I handle this right. I’m not sure what right is anymore except for him. He’s right. He’s all that is right in my world. With nerves in my belly that outshine any I’ve ever had on a sting or undercover operation, I walk down the stairs. When I reach the basement, the treadmill is empty, and light radiates from an open door. My stomach knots with the realization that he’s planning to stay down here in this bedroom tonight.

I ease toward the door and pause in the opening to find Luke sitting on the end of the bed. Actually, he’s laying back on the mattress with his feet still on the ground. As if he was just resting for a minute. Seconds tick by and I realize he’s asleep. Exhaustion weighs heavily in my limbs and despite my deep desire to talk to him, I know I have to let him sleep.

There’s a chair in the corner and I claim it, pulling a blanket over the top of me. When he wakes, at least he’ll know I came to find him. He’ll know I’m here. I hope desperately, with every part of me, that in the stormy season we’re now living in our relationship, this moment is the first step toward a rainbow. And instead of a pot of gold, we can find each other again.

Tags: Lisa Renee Jones Romance
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