Booker joined us soon after, taking the fourth seat at the table, eyes watching me studiously as Auguste fed me. It wasn't until I had the four of them together with me, conversation thin but companionable, the late hour weighing heavier on my eyelids with every passing minute, that I realized what was missing.
Who knew how Amon would fit in with the others, a bit too possessive and proud, but he was one of the men I had chosen. One who had chosen me, and I felt his absence at the table enough to know that I would have to find a solution for us all in time.
* * *
I'd fallen asleep comfortably tuckedbetween Auguste and Ezra, but there was only one body in the bed with me when I woke late the next morning and it wasn't either of them. Jonathon Underwood wasn't curled around me, but sitting at the foot of the bed in a simple white shirt with the sleeves rolled up. His hair was mussed, eyes a little heavy as if he'd just woken up, and he had my ankle propped on his thigh, very gently moving and massaging it.
"You're very handsome, sir," I greeted, clearing the sleep from my throat as I giggled and watched his cheeks pink. "I always thought so, and I loved to spy on you when you came to the house."
"I remember," Jonathon said, lips quirking and eyes flicking in my direction. "I looked for you too, in the halls. Pain?"
He pushed my foot gently back, and my brow furrowed. "A little. Just a sore feeling."
Jonathon nodded. "Still tender. Breakfast in bed it is then. I expected as much, and Booker should be back soon with a tray for us."
He patted my calf and then stood, resting my foot down gently onto the mattress. I scrambled up as he started to back away from the bed.
"If you're joining me for breakfast, you should join me in bed too," I said, patting the sheets next to my hip and staring hopefully back at my doctor.
Jonathon paused, eyes on the spot I'd offered him, body tensing. His head ducked, and I wondered if he was hiding that green glimpse of Mr. Tanner in his gaze. He cleared his throat before he spoke again, and I was sure of it.
"I'll pull a chair up to your side," he said. "Tanner remains unsettled after the events last night, and I'm not sure he could be as careful with you as is necessary."
"But—"
Jonathon's arms crossed, his stare narrowing back at me. "Auguste and I have great plans for you in London, Ms. Reed. We need you well enough to enjoy them. Mr. Tanner knows that."
I sighed and sagged back into the pillows as Jonathon lifted the chair by the window and brought it near my bed. "I thought gentlemen were meant to be impatient for sex."
Jonathon coughed out a laugh, some of his hair falling charmingly forward into his eyes in a way that my hands itched to reach out and touch. "Don't mistake my caution for indifference, Esther," he said, words a little dark and smile crooked.
Booker entered at that moment, a vast tray full of steaming food—far more than Jonathon or I could be expected to eat on our own—as if it weighed next to nothing. He placed it on the bed between us, and then walked quickly around the posters. Jonathon and I both watched as Booker sat down at my side, facing me, and studying my face with great gravity.
"Eat," he commanded.
I laughed at the stern, flat tone of my golem, and Jonathon passed me a fork with a sausage speared on the tongs.
"Can I ask about Mr. Tanner?"
Jonathon was pouring himself a cup of tea when I asked my question, and he splashed a little before finishing the cup and then one for me. "Of course, I expected it."
"What…or who is he?"
Jonathon took a drink of his tea, eyes drifting thoughtfully around the room. "When I was little, my parents told me he was a figment of my imagination. I heard him at night or when I was angry. He remained with me long past the age where a young boy should have an imaginary friend. And he wasn't quite a friend, although we had a sort of loyalty to one another, I suppose."
Jonathon paused, and I waited, fork to my lips, until he arched an eyebrow and looked pointedly down at my plate. I took another bite, and his smile was gentle as he continued.
"His presence in my mind is what drove me to the study of medicine and the new avenues of psychology."
"Of what?" I asked, laughing.
"Psychology. It's the scientific study of the mind. Human thought and emotion. Compulsions and mood and anxieties," Jonathon rattled off. "Having another man's voice in your thoughts isn't normal, you know."
I shrugged. "My aunt had a neighbor with a son who had company in his head too. Oh! Does that mean that one day he'll—"
"He'll transform into them on occasion? No. I…I wanted a way of removing Mr. Tanner." I frowned at that, and Jonathon's eyes grew tired and weary. "His appetites were not my own. He had impulses I opposed. He was violent, and he could see the creatures in the world I would rather have ignored. I wanted to believe it was all insanity. Also, he had a manner with women I was…uncomfortable with. I thought I could rid myself of him, and I began experiments. I think I nearly destroyed myself in the process."
I set my fork down, my hands clenching in my lap, eyes wide on my gentle doctor's face. I was angry on Mr. Tanner's behalf, and I wanted to reach out and shake the man in front of me, except that he looked so weary and disappointed in himself too.
"I was seeking a way to draw Mr. Tanner out of my head, and in the end, I succeeded," Jonathon said, lips quirking slightly. "It was hell at first. Losing hours of my life. Finding myself in the recesses of his mind. But I learned more of him too, of the world I'd been trying to ignore and was now forced to accept as truth. And Mr. Tanner was more generous. He always retreated. He's stronger than me, he could certainly maintain control if he wanted to…
"We found our peace together eventually," Jonathon said with a heavy sigh. "And eventually, our friendship again. I had a gentleman's lens over my life, and it has been liberating to see the world in richer colors, even if it is sometimes uglier too. Pleasure was certainly a more complicated range than I expected."
I mulled over all of this in quiet, nibbling at a slice of toast with jam. I'd always been considered a little too perverse, and I'd rarely felt shame for it, but I'd been constantly reminded by others that I should have. Mr. Tanner and I were alike, but at least Dr. Underwood had learned to feel as we did.
"And when he is with me, you are…"
"An observer," Jonathon said softly, gaze hot on me as I lifted mine to his.
He'd gotten me off with his lovely vibrating machine on our night together, but Mr. Tanner had taken over as soon as we'd started fucking.
Jonathon smiled, and his head tilted. "He will give me time with you when he is ready. I'm the more patient of the pair of us, and I owe him this much."
"I wish I could have you both at once," I said absently, and then grinned at Jonathon's blush. "I mean…well, yes, like that. But that you could be equally present with me."
Jonathon grinned and set his teacup down on the tray, leaning across and sliding his fingers into my hair, pushing it back to expose my throat. "Mr. Tanner holds the reins for the most part, but perhaps he won't mind sharing someday."
I sighed as Jonathon pressed a soft, endless kiss to my pulse before pulling back.
"We'll take today easy until the sun is down and Auguste is ready to travel," Jonathon said, returning to his breakfast.
I found Booker's eyes still on me, lips downturned. "Will you miss me while I'm away, Booker?" I teased.
"Yes," he said simply, and I caught my breath, gaze held by his cool blue stare, and my heart faltered and panged. I would miss him too, I realized. It was a shame that Rooksgrave operated so that a girl might only visit with one or two of her gentlemen at a time. I was growing increasingly greedy to have them all with me at every moment.