Barred Desires (The Deepest Desires 1)

Luca

(November)

We area few months into the school year, and things are going surprisingly well. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous before coming here that I would be in over my head. While I did well in high school, I also dedicated a lot of time to ensure I succeeded, and people always say college is a lot harder than high school.

I don’t know if I necessarily believe that, though.

I have a lot more on my plate now versus before, such as my time management being solely my responsibility; no parents there to nag if you’re running late. I’m also responsible for ensuring I get fed every day; no Sarah around to cook meals for me, but even that isn’t so bad. There are four of us in the house, and between us all, we are pretty good about making sure dinners are done and whatnot.

Aside from the newfound independence, things aren’t too much harder than high school. The classes are challenging, of course, but they aren’t over the top. The professors seem more relaxed than the teachers back at my high school. They treat you more like an equal, instead of like a child, which I can appreciate. Mutual respect goes a long way.

I really enjoy my English and writing classes. I’m definitely leaning toward an English major. I’ve also been writing a lot more outside of school too, which is something I haven’t done since sophomore year of high school. I have always loved the idea of being an author but didn’t know if it was achievable in the real world. Professor Philips, who has several published novels, has an amazing way at making you feel like a dream such as that is realistic.

Things at home are going well too. Things with Branson aren’t awkward anymore and we spend a lot of time together, hanging out with the guys or going to the gym. He’s gone on a few hikes with me too. The hiking spots here are nothing like back home, but it’s still nice to get out and breathe fresh air into your lungs. I feel like I have my friend back, and after the embarrassing drunk panic attack kiss, I was worried we would never be back on common ground again.

Sometimes, I can’t help but let my mind wander to what made me kiss him in the first place. Was it because he offered me warmth and support when I needed it the most? Did my appreciation and gratitude somehow get confused with deeper feelings?

I want to say yes to both of those questions, because that would make the most sense and be the normal response.

But…

Then I catch him walking from the bathroom to his bedroom after his shower sometimes, and I’m mesmerized by his smooth skin and array of tattoos. When we are at the gym, I watch him lift weights and can’t stop staring at his sweaty, taut muscles. He is absolutely a work of art. Or there was the time last week, when he and Knox were practicing, and I was enamored by his form while he played the drums. I forgot how good he was, a natural, and I also never noticed how good he looked while doing it.

I refuse to let those thoughts cloud my mind for too long, though, because no matter how confusing they may be, I still want him in my life as my stepbrother and my friend. I don’t know how many more times I can do something horribly embarrassing, like watch him fuck some guy or kiss him in a dark street before he decides I’m not worth the effort.

Things with Courtney suck lately. After the incident at the frat party, we didn’t talk for the rest of that weekend, not that she didn’t try. She called and texted me nonstop, even after I told her I needed some space to clear my head before facing this with her.

I’m starting to wonder if it would be better if we broke it off. We fight all the time, I don’t get excited to be around her, and I don’t even really want to have sex with her anymore. I feel like a coward for continuing to be with her, when it’s extremely clear we should break up.

She apologized for how aggressive she was, but was confused about why I reacted as harshly as I did. Which I get. That was completely out of character for me, but I’m not ready to explain that to her.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready to explain that.

We’re both swamped with classes, and she has a part-time job that takes up a lot of her free time, so we still don’t see each other much, but she tries to insist we see each other at least once a week.

She gets along with the guys, for the most part, except Branson. He’s made it pretty clear he can’t stand her, and she’s definitely picked up on that. I’m not sure where the animosity is coming from. He’s always been indifferent toward her, but still polite. I truly can’t find it in me to care, though, which seems like another reason we should probably break up. He called her Cuntney the other night and she blew a gasket. He’s so shameless in his behavior, and I can’t help but think it’s fucking funny.

Tonight, all of us guys are out for dinner and drinks to celebrate Cash’s birthday. It’s a place near campus where we’re able to order drinks with no issue. Knox orders a round of tequila shots for everyone, and don’t ask me why, but when we go to take them, I can’t help but watch Branson–like a fucking creep.

When he licks the salt off his hand, I get a glimpse of something silver in his mouth. He has his fucking tongue pierced.

How have I never noticed this before and why does it make my cock twitch in my jeans?

Jesus Christ.

I shoot the shot quickly, not feeling the burn making its way down my throat because I’m too busy thinking about what that tongue ring would feel like against my own tongue… or other places on my body.

What the fuck?

“Hey, guys, I’ll be right back. Running to the bathroom.”

I need to splash some water on my face and calm my dick down before someone notices.

After a few minutes, I’m able to rein my cock back in, get my head on straight—pun fucking intended—and make my way back. Aston and Anderson must have gotten here while I was in the bathroom, because they’re talking with the rest of the guys at the table. It sounds like we’re all going to head back to the house after this and do a bonfire.

I come up behind Aston and slap him on the back. “Are you coming back to the house too?”

It’s rare that he hangs out there. He’ll join us if we’re going out or if we’re going to a party at the frat house, but usually not at our house. Maybe he and Knox are finally putting their shit behind them.

“Yeah, I’ll come for a bit. It seems chill.”

My phone goes off in my pocket, and I pull it out and see it’s Courtney.

Court: What are you up to tonight? Want to hang out?

Me: I’m out with the guys now. We’re at The Coug, but we’re heading back to the house soon to have a bonfire. It’s Cash’s birthday.

Court: Oh… do you want company? I’m hanging out with Jessica right now and we’re looking for something to do.

Fuck.

I didn’t really want to hang out with her tonight, but it would be weird if I said no.

Me: Sure, that’s fine. We’ll be home probably by 10:30.