Barred Desires (The Deepest Desires 1)

Making two Jack and Cokes, I quickly head up the stairs to my room. Opening the door, he’s sitting on the bed, his back against the wall, looking absolutely defeated. My heart hurts for him and whatever is making him feel this way.

Handing him his drink, he mumbles a “thank you” without meeting my eyes. I climb on the bed, sitting close enough to him so he knows I’m here, but not too close that it freaks him out.

We both take a long gulp of our drinks, neither saying anything for a while. When I’m positive he isn’t going to be the conversation starter here, I decide to talk first. “So, what happened at that restaurant? Who were those people?”

“They… Mike and Robin… used to babysit me when I was little. After my mom died, dad threw himself into his work and had to travel a lot. He didn’t have much help. They offered to watch me when he went out of town.”

“Okay… why did they cause you to react the way you did?”

He takes another long sip of his drink, then runs his hands through his hair, and I think he isn’t going to answer me. Reaching out timidly, I take his hand in mine. I’m worried he’s going to reject it, but am relieved when he squeezes my hand.

Finally, after what feels like several minutes, he speaks. His voice is rough and quiet, and he’s still not looking at me. “Um, okay, so… I’ve never talked about this. I’ve never told another person any of this, so it’s hard for me. I don’t want you to look at me differently or freak out.”

“Luca, you’re safe with me. Whatever it is you need to tell me, I’m here for you.”

Looking up and meeting my eyes, I’m met with so much hurt and anguish that my chest aches in dreaded anticipation. He looks scared and his eyes are filled with unshed tears. He goes back to staring at his lap before continuing. “Okay… Well, like I said before, they would babysit me when I was little. I would often spend a night or two at their house while my dad would be gone on business.”

I squeeze his hand, letting him know without words that it’s okay, even though I know that whatever this is, it’s certainly not okay.

“Robin was welcoming. She would make sure I had homecooked meals and a warm, comfortable place to sleep while I was there. Conner was a nice enough kid to play with, too. We got along.” He stops, finishing his entire drink in one go.

“Okay, and Mike?”

His jaw clenches, and he lets out a ragged breath. “Mike was… Mike was s-sick.”

My throat drops into my stomach, my grip on my drink tightening. “Sick, how?”

“He… uh…” This is all he gets out before his voice cracks and the tears fall. It pains me to see him going through this, not knowing how to help. Taking his drink and setting them both down, I shift, pulling Luca between my legs, his back to my front, and I wrap my arms around him tight, resting my cheek against the side of his head.

I may not have all the answers, but I can at least show him that I won’t let go.

Whatever happened, whatever is haunting him, he needs to know that I’m here, that he isn’t alone.

After a few minutes of quietly crying in my arms, he continues. I’m nowhere near prepared for what he says. “He used to t-touch me at night.”

I tighten my grip on him, but otherwise do or say nothing. I let him take his time, tell me this in his own way.

“He wasn’t always like that. I remember when they first started babysitting me, right after my mom’s death. He was nice and… normal. He used to be fun, you know, fun to a kid. Let us stay up late, watch grown up movies, eat ice cream on the couch. I don’t know what happened, but he changed. It started off innocently enough, mild. He would ask me to sit on his lap while we watched movies. His hands would wander, but not anywhere private—massages, back rubs, stuff like that.”

He runs his hands through his hair again, laying his head back on my shoulder, letting out a shaky sigh. I feel sick to my stomach, having a pretty good idea of where this is going, but I still let him go at his own pace.

“There is one memory in my mind, which I believe is the first time things went from innocent to inappropriate. It was summertime, and I was staying there for the night. Robin was gone, I’m not sure where. It was just Mike, Conner, and I. It was hot out, so he turned the sprinkler on for us. Conner and I both thought that was so cool and started running through it over and over again.

“I remember I needed to go to the bathroom. There was a door to the master bedroom from the backyard, and Mike said I could go in and use their ensuite. Coming out of the bathroom, Mike was in his room, lying on the bed. Conner was still outside playing in the sprinkler, but he was visible through the window. Mike asked me to come lie down with him. I was confused and felt weird, but did as I was told. He was an adult, after all, and you respect your elders.”

I hear him sniffle and know he’s crying again. My heart is breaking for him and for this experience he had to endure as a child.

A fucking child.

“Anyway, I went to the bed and laid down next to him. He told me how grown up I was getting, how I was such a handsome boy. At some point during all of this, he had, um, t-t-taken himself out of his pants. I remember the uncomfortable feeling I felt in my gut, how I knew that wasn’t okay. Looking back, it’s weird how I knew deep down something wasn’t right with the situation, even though I didn’t understand why. I felt nervous and shaky, desperately wanting to go back outside and play in the sprinkler again. Really, just go anywhere that wasn’t in that room, alone with him.

“It was the first penis I’d ever seen, besides my own, obviously. He, uh… He started touching himself. He was hard and every time I tried to look away, he told me he wanted me to watch him. I honestly don’t know how long we sat there, him jerking off, me not wanting to watch. Eventually he came, cleaned himself up, and we went back outside to the sprinklers with Conner, like nothing had even happened. It’s a memory I wish I could forget, but it’s ingrained in my mind. The sounds he made, the way he looked at me while doing it, will always haunt me, I’m sure.”

I’m livid. Completely sick to my fucking stomach. I could literally kill this man. What he did is fucking disgusting. No child should ever be subjected to something like that. That was only one instance too. I have no idea how many others there were, or how far he took it with Luca.

“Luca, fuck. Come here.”

With tears spilling out of his eyes, and a quivering lip, he turns around in my arms until he’s straddling my lap. He buries his head in my neck and sobs. I hold him as tight as I can, forcing myself to not cry too. This isn’t about me; he needs me to be strong right now.

Rubbing his back gently, I tell him he’s safe now, that he’s okay. I can’t believe we’ve been in each other’s lives for so long, and I never knew this about him. I’m assuming his dad doesn’t know, otherwise I doubt he’d act happy to see the guy today.

Luca’s quiet, and if it wasn’t for the way his shoulders shake subtly and his sniffles, I wouldn’t even know he’s still crying. The tension in the air is crippling, and I can tell there is more Luca needs to say, but I’m terrified of what that could be.

His chest heaves with a deep breath before he starts talking again, and what he says chills my body to the core.

“If only it stopped at that, but every time I would sleep over, he would come into my bed. Over time, he would start touching me. My body would react in a way I had no control over, and that fucked me up. I remember wondering if it was something I had actually wanted because of the way my body reacted. I can still vividly hear the way he would whisper in my ear that he just wants to make me feel good, to let him make me feel good.

“This only went on for a couple of years, but the damage was done. When I started dating Courtney, I was able to get past everything, or so I thought. Being with her and having that relationship and sexual experience helped to empower me, in a way.”

“Luca, baby. I am so sorry you had to go through something like that. No one should ever have to go through that, and fuck, you were a child.”

Still locked in his thoughts, he laughs, but the sound is hollow and sad. It guts me. “In hindsight, looking back on my relationship with Courtney, we should’ve been over way before we actually were. I wasn’t in love with her—and I knew that—but I guess being with her felt safe… like a comfort. I knew she wouldn’t cross any boundaries, and I was able to feel in control of my body again. Until I wasn’t.”

My entire body goes stiff at that last part. Until I wasn’t. What the fuck does that mean? As much as I don’t want to make this any harder for Luca, I need to know what he means by that.

“What do you mean, Luca?” I’m somehow able to keep my voice even and calm, but inside, I feel anything but. He’s silent for a while, and I start to think maybe I overstepped, and he won’t answer. But then he does.

“Toward the end of our relationship, sex kind of dwindled. We both had a lot going on, getting ready for college, and the stress of that got to me. I often wouldn’t be in the mood. The night of that first frat party, when we got into that fight, she tried to initiate sex anyway. She told me she loved me, but didn’t feel like I loved her, and when I tried to comfort her, she took it as a sign that we should have sex.

“Her reasoning was that my dick got hard. She told me she wanted to make me feel good.” His body shudders and his voice cracks when he says those words, and I want to fucking riot. I knew I fucking hated that bitch, but I didn’t know just how fucking sick she was.

“And that’s why I found you outside by the tree?”