“Something like that,” she agreed with a chuckle. “But I’m the one who pushed her way into your lifestyle, right from the get-go. I figured I knew the score, because I’d read the novels,” she added, her tone bitterly ironic. “I thought I could handle it. It turns out, just like you warned me early on, I was in way over my head. But I still tried to power my way through. Dahlia Simon can handle anything she puts her mind to. That’s a given.” She snorted. “Talk about hubris.”
Before Hayden could respond, the waiter finally appeared. As he slid two laminated menus on the table, he said in a somewhat mechanical voice, “I’m Danny. I’ll be your server this evening. What can I get you?”
Hayden looked to Dahlia. “Another glass of wine? A snack?”
She shook her head.
He looked back at the waiter, a short, scrawny guy with bad skin who didn’t look to be much over sixteen. “Uh, I’ll have a mug of whatever you have on tap.”
Danny rattled off half a dozen choices.
“The IPA,” Hayden said. He glanced down at the menu, which had various bar food offerings like chips and salsa, chicken wings and deep-fried mozzarella sticks. “Just the beer, thanks.”
Once the waiter went off to the bar, Hayden picked up the thread of their conversation. “Being determined to succeed at whatever you do isn’t hubris. It’s just part of your DNA. Mine, too. It’s how we both got to where we are at relatively young ages.”
Dahlia shrugged. “Maybe. But I was so busy trying to prove I could do it that I didn’t allow myself to take a step back and assess if I even wanted to submit to the degree you require. Though it wasn’t intentional, I was dishonest with you, and with myself. You told me from the beginning that honest communication was paramount, but I was unable or unwilling to share my real feelings with you when you wanted more than I could give.”
Hayden took a deep breath. She wasn’t entirely wrong. He had told her up front he required intensity of experience and a total power exchange. He’d always just assumed he would, eventually, end up in a fully realized Master/slave relationship. Now, it no longer seemed important.
What mattered was Dahlia.
What mattered was them.
“We can do this,” he said urgently. “You and me, we can find the right path. You showed so beautifully this weekend how truly submissive you are in your soul. We can work through the kinks. You just need the right man, the right Master, to take you there. And I need to pay attention every step of the way, instead of assuming I know what you need.”
He held his breath, praying he’d reached her. But instead of leaping up and throwing her arms around him, she sat frozen, a stricken look on her face.
Shit. Had he just put his foot in it again? Had she somehow misinterpreted his words? He’d meant to provide encouragement and support, but it appeared all he’d done was make things worse.
All at once, she pushed back from the table. “I’m sorry.” She got to her feet and grabbed her coat and purse from the back of the chair. “I thought I could do this. Have this nice, civilized conversation where everything got resolved while music swelled in the background. But life’s not a movie, and it’s time we both face reality.”
She lifted her chin with sudden determination.
“I can’t do it, Hayden. I can’t be what you want.” She dropped her head, but not before he saw the flash of raw pain in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Dahlia, wait,” he cried, leaping to his feet.
But she only shook her head. “I have to go.”
And then she was gone.
Chapter 30
The sun had dipped below the buildings and the sky was growing dark. Tears cascaded down Dahlia’s cheeks as she moved blindly along the crowded sidewalk. Her heart actually hurt, and she clutched at her chest as she stumbled blindly forward.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she repeated in a loop, unable to stop.
She wasn’t even entirely sure who she was apologizing to. To Hayden, for pretending to be something she ultimately couldn’t be? To the submissive that had come alive inside her? To herself for giving up?
She had wanted to believe Jess had been right—that she and Hayden would find their place along the BDSM continuum. But she knew in her heart he would never be able to compromise.
“You just need the right man. The right Master…”
He wanted what he wanted, and she got that. She’d known it going in. She’d fantasized that she’d be able to work through it—to get to a place where she gave herself over completely to another person.
But she couldn’t. She just wasn’t built that way. It was too scary. Too foreign. Not her.