twenty
Evan
I promised my mom, my dad, and Owen that I would not skip taking my daily meds after theincident. After everything that has happened, I even promised myself. For the first time in my entire life, I have found a cocktail of meds that works, and I can’t deny that. I think the biggest part of my realization was when Callie told me to be the author of my future. I don’t want to be mentally ill—no one does—but if I have the help and the support, I can do anything I want to do. The absolute crazy thing—and mind-blowing, at that—is that I know I don’t want to play hockey ever again.
I feel like I’m losing a part of myself, but I know I need to accept this. I need to move on. While I haven’t had a chance to dig deep into that realization or even what it means for me in the long run, after lying in Callie’s arms, listening to her soul speak to me, and then having my therapy this morning, I figured, why hold on to something that isn’t in the cards for me? A small part of me hasn’t given up on the idea yet, but I think that part is driven by my family. I was raised to play in the NHL, to play with Owen, but now that it’s been over a year since I walked away, I know the truth.
I’m just not ready to speak on it.
The new path I’m on is terrifying, but I know I’m meant to travel it. It wasn’t easy getting to this place. I’ve gone through a whole lot of heartbreak. But the thought of helping kids the way I needed help, it drives away the fear. It excites me, and I truly feel like I am going to help so many people. I know I have two more years of school, but that’s okay. I have a new goal, and I have all the support I could ever need.
Callie being one of my supporters.
I watch as Callie dances and sings with all the kids. She loves them. Her love for these kids is all over her sweet face. She’s so enthusiastic and so in her element. It’s such an inspiring thing to see. As I finish playing the guitar, I notice a violin and figure why the hell not. I like impressing Callie. I like how her eyes light up and how she looks at me like I’m not half a man. Nico is here; I feel him watching us, and I don’t want to give him anything to pick up on, but I’m finding that is extremely hard. Especially when all I want to do is cross the room, pick up Callie, and kiss her. Eagerly. Maybe grab her butt.
God, she’s so fucking brave and amazing.
I still feel like an idiot for not noticing what she doesn’t have, but again, it doesn’t matter to me. I have always wanted a connection with someone, a soul-deep one. I have all these phenomenal examples of loving relationships around me. Not only do I have my parents, but even when I was younger, all my parents’ friends were passionately in love with their spouses. Now, it’s my siblings, each finding the person who completes them and makes them better. I’ve always wanted that. That earth-shattering, soul-binding kind of love.
Add in the fact that I’ve had anxiety about getting into bed with someone, and I know that’s why I waited so long. Yeah, I rushed into bed with Callie. I know I did. I don’t regret it. It was awesome and she is awesome, but I wish I could have a do-over. I truly believe I rushed into that bed with her because my anxiety was through the roof, my younger brother is out living his best life, and I was tired of feeling like I’m less than. Above all that, though, I wanted her, have been lusting after her for a while. But I also think I just click with her. So many factors for why I did it, but the main one is her.
All of her.
Our runs are fun, and running isn’t fun for me. I started it to run the crazy out, but when I run with Callie, it’s enjoyable. Her practices are among my favorite things, and I love watching her work for her goals. I love laughing with her, and I love how she looks at me when I’m doing something I’m good at. She looks so in awe of me, when really, I’m in awe of her. So strong, so beautiful, so talented. Fuck, it’s so overwhelming with all these feelings inside me. I go over everything concerning Callie again and again in my head. I don’t want to fuck it up, and I sure as hell don’t know what will happen when I find myself alone with her again.
I want her, but I also want to do right by her.
Jesus, this shit is hard.
I shake my head free of all my thoughts as I pick up the rather cheap violin and start to tune it.
That’s when Callie says, “Guys, look. Evan is going to play the violin for us.”
There is some aww’ing, but mostly, everyone is ready to go. The kids are talking, some are crying, and some are rocking. Even a few have run for the door. That is, until I start to play. The whole room stops, the noises are gone, and all eyes are on me. I’ve been playing since I was a kid. I’m decent, and I played all through middle and high school. We may be a hockey family, but music is in our veins.
Thanks, Mom and Dad.
I play a very stripped-down version of “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus. When Shelli sings the lyrics, it’s magic, but I have to admit, it’s real damn pretty as an instrumental. Each stroke of my bow fills the room with such a beautiful melody, and I’m relaxed all over. I forgot how much joy playing brings me. My eyes are closed as I play from memory, and I move with each stroke. Owen used to make fun of me until all the girls would try to flirt with me and not him. Owen then tried to learn how to play, but he is too aggressive and doesn’t have the finesse I have.
I finish the last note, pleased with myself, and when I look out, Callie is beaming from ear to ear. Of course that’s where my gaze goes. To her and all her gorgeous glory. It’s as if she is the only one in the room. Her hair is wild in curls along her shoulders, and she has on only a touch of makeup. Her lips are shiny, though, and they give me the itch to lick off every single layer of that gloss. She wears a pair of Bullies teal athletic leggings and a rather large black Bullies hoodie, looking very much like a proud college kid. Her cheeks are rosy, and her eyes, I swear, they’re so green all I can think of is moss from a creek.
So pretty.
I force myself to look away from her as everyone applauds and asks for another song. Unfortunately, it’s time for the kids to go back to class.
“Evan will come back, I promise!” Brenda says, and soon, she is ushering everyone out.
Aviva comes over to me as I set the violin in its stand. “Evan.”
“Hey, Aviva,” I say, hugging her tightly.
“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes! I did not know you could play like that.”
I smile bashfully. “Thanks. I’ve played since I was a kid.”
“You’re incredible. The kids loved you!”