Mr. Brian extends his other hand to Haylee. “I don’t want to do this, but we should go first.” My father nods at him while holding my brother, who is still breaking down in his arms. The Hankses leave the room to do the unthinkable. The doctor said two at a time, but that’s such a stupid rule. What are they going to do, tell a grieving family one person can’t go in to say goodbye? Yeah, I don’t think so. The hospital can go fuck themselves on that rule.
Turning in my mother’s arms, I let out a cry and shake my head. “I don’t think I can do this, Mommy. Don’t make me say goodbye to him. I’m not ready to do this. We’re supposed to be old and gray and have a bunch of grandchildren when I am forced to do this, not now. Not…not when we have our whole lives ahead of us. It’s not fair!”
My tone went from soft to angry, but my mom doesn’t falter as I yell at her as to how unfair this situation is; she knows I’m not yelling at her. Her arms wrap around me so tightly I feel like I can’t breathe, although I’m not really sure if I have been breathing at all since the doctor came in earlier. Maybe my breath stopped at the same moment and this is all a nightmare now.
Mom leads us to the double chair and pulls me to her chest and allows me to cry against her. Time doesn’t seem to exist in this moment, so I’m not sure as to how long we’ve been in that room.
Haylee is the first to return, her eyes all red and puffy, tears overflowing from them. She grabs her bag and mutters something before walking out of the room. Mr. Brian calls out after her, but she yells that she can’t be in here anymore and she needs air.
Air…I need air too. I’m suffocating at the thought of having to go in that room. Maybe I won’t. I make no move to get up. Ms. Natalie collapses in her husband’s arms and hits his chest, crying out for her loss. I can feel my mother nod against the top of my head, and out of the corner of my eye I see Zach and my dad leave the room. My turn will be next. How do I prepare for this? My mind races through the last time I saw him, what he looked like, felt like, smelled like, sounded like, tasted like. These are all things I will never feel or know again—a distant memory.
I’m not sure how we get to the point, standing in front of room 209. The door is currently closed, but I know what awaits me on the other side. My mom opens the door slightly, but my feet don’t move. Reaching for my hand, she gives it a gentle squeeze. “Come on, sweetheart, it’s time.”
I take a deep breath and count one, two, three and then follow her into the room. The curtain is partially pulled, but I can see the end of the bed. His feet have a sheet draped over them. The tears flow down my cheek at a rapid pace, and I’m having a hard time catching my breath. My mother goes first since I refuse to move any farther, drawing this out. Through her tears I can make out only some words: “Oh honey, I’m so sorry … a life cut too short … watch over us … I love you.”
It’s time. My feet slowly move forward around the curtain, and my breath catches as I watch my mom lean over and kiss the top of his head. My mother moves back to give me some space but not going too far, knowing I need her strength to do this.
I move to the side of the bed and take a seat, grabbing Emmett’s hand in mine. I lace our fingers together. His skin is cold, no longer full of life. This person lying here is not my Emmett. I don’t recognize this person. Emmett was so full of life and warm. This version is cold, still, and lifeless. I want to my touch to warm him up. I bring our hands to my lips just as he had so many times before. I close my eyes as my lips touch his skin, trying to memorize everything. I bring our clasped hands down to my lap and stroke his blond hair with the other. He is…was…fuck, I’m not sure if I can refer to him in the past tense. Em was the best-looking guy I have ever seen.
“Oh baby, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Why did this happen to us? Please…please wake up. I’m not strong enough to do this. I don’t know…how to do this without you. I don’t want to do this without you.”
My tears overpower me, and I throw my arms around Emmett’s cold, lifeless body, praying my warmth will wake him up and he’ll put his strong arms around me. But that’s not reality—that won’t happen. I will never feel the warmth and safety of his embrace again. My mother comes up behind me and rubs my back. “It’s time, sweetheart.”
“No! No! No! I’m not ready to say goodbye.”
“I know, baby girl, I know.” She doesn’t need to say anything else.
Leaning over, I kiss his forehead before placing mine against his, a natural move between the two of us that will happen no more. “You’re it for me, Emmett Adam Hanks. I will love you forever and always,” I whisper before placing one last kiss upon his lips. Why can’t this be like in the fairy tales where true loves kiss wakes up the sleeping princess, or in our case the sleeping prince?
I bring my head back and trace his face with my fingers, trying to memorize it all: the scar above his left eyebrow from the time Dad and Mr. Brian were teaching us kids how to skip rocks and Zach threw a rock and it ricocheted off a stump and hit Emmett in the forehead; the cluster of freckles that would appear across his nose after being in the sun; and that dimple…fuck I loved making that dimple appear when he smiled.
Kissing his hand one last time, I rise to my feet and somehow end up out of the room walking back to the waiting area where everyone is congregated, our lives irrevocably changed—a life without Emmett in it.
I look back to the hospital room door one last time as it closes behind us. The weight of the world at the very moment makes my chest feel as though it’s going to collapse. I struggle to catch my breath, and my vision is filled with unshed tears. My mother presses the button t
o open the double doors. My feet move forward, and I look up to see Zach standing there. Before I know what’s happening, his arms are around me. I’m unsure if he is holding me up or the other way around. I collapse in his arms and allow the pain to overtake me, letting the tears flow freely from my eyes. It hurts to breathe, it hurts all over, it hurts to live.
Why did he have to leave me here all alone?
I can still smell him as I hug the pillow tight to my chest. There’s nothing that can be done to alleviate the giant ache now residing in place of my heart. I squeeze the pillow tighter as the tears continue to fall down my cheek. I thought by now there wouldn’t be any left to cry, but I was wrong. My body has decided to betray me and keep a solid flow of tears coming. It’s been two days since my heart was shattered into a million pieces. In the blink of an eye, the happily ever after I had dreamed of my entire life was gone.
The police report told us that the Jeep slid on ice when attempting to stop at an intersection, causing Em to run a red light, and an oncoming vehicle T-boned the side of Emmett’s, killing him almost instantly. The thought rips me apart in a way that I know will never be able to be put back together. He will never graduate college, become a husband, become a father, or achieve all the dreams he had set out to accomplish since he was younger. I’m past the point of sadness, past the point of exhaustion. I can’t even try to sleep because every time I close my eyes, I see him lying there, smiling at me. Emmett Hanks had been the love of my life for as long as I can remember. To be honest, I don’t feel anything at all. I’m numb, and I don’t want to feel anything anymore…because the honest truth is, who am I without him?
Mom, Dad, and the Hankses headed back home along with Emmett’s body, which was released to the funeral home that would take care of arrangements. I begged Zach not to make me go home just yet, but I’m not sure honestly how much longer I can stay here. Why am I torturing myself being this close to Emmett knowing that I’ll never see him again? Is this my punishment for having to live the rest of my life without him?
Clinging to the pillow while wrapped in one of his flannel shirts that still smells of him, I imagine he is lying here with me and we’re discussing what we would do first upon graduation. A talk that will never occur. The thought makes my body feel as though my chest is caving all over again.
I pick my phone up and see the photo of Emmett and me from prom last year as the backdrop. I quickly unlock it only to be greeted with a photo of Em shirtless at the pool from this summer. I pull up my voicemails and hit Play to hear the message that I have listened to over and over again. It took about twelve hours for me to actually gather the courage to hit Play the first time. Emmett had called as he left the library while I was napping. The what-ifs play through my mind—had I only answered his call, would we still be in this situation? I could have just met him somewhere so that he wasn’t on that road at that moment, and it would be someone else’s family mourning the loss of a loved one instead of us…
“Hey, baby, I’m just leaving the library now. Shit, I don’t think my brain can handle any more information now. I should be at the apartment soon, but I just wanted to call and tell you that I am so proud of you, Dani. I know I told you earlier, but I’ll keep saying it. I’m thinking dinner, so you think of where you want to go. Another step closer to the rest of our lives. I’ll see you soon. I love you!”
Click.
I hear the front door open, and I want so bad for this all to be a nightmare and I’m waking up from my nap on Friday waiting for Emmett to come home from the library just as his voicemail had stated. I’d see him walking up to the door, lean on the doorframe, and make a comment like, “That sweater is hideous, Dani. You should most definitely lose it. It would look better on the floor. Fuck going to dinner—we’ll just go straight for dessert.”
Realizing that conversation never happened nor will any further conversations happen, the tears threaten to drown me. My wails overtake the silence of the room, and a sliver of light from the hallway lights up the dark room. The bed dips and my brother wraps his arms around me, cradling me to his chest. Emmett was always my protector, but who is supposed to protect me from this pain? Zach’s arms tighten around me as he tries the best he can to protect me and support me, but he along with everyone else, myself included, isn’t sure as to how to go about doing that. I squeeze the pillow so tight I might burst it. That’s how my grief feels—ready to burst like a volcano waiting to erupt. I pull the pillow to my mouth as if to stop the air I am breathing and scream. I’m not sure how long I scream into it, but I just let it out. I can feel my brother’s body vibrate against me as his body trembles from his tears.
We just sit like that for I’m not sure how long; time no longer has a meaning. In between sniffles, I hear his voice, so low it’s almost a whisper. “Dani, I know this is hard, but we need to get going soon.” I shake my head no. I’m not ready to face that. At least staying here I can avoid the planning and the funeral and what comes next. “I know, sweetheart. I don’t want to do it either, but we need to. We need to do it for Em, for Hails—she needs her best friend right now.”