Squeezing her tight, I keep my arms wrapped around her. “I know, love. I know. You did what you had to do to survive. Sometimes it hurts.”
“I don’t want to hurt,” Helen sobs against my chest. “I want to go back to not hurting. I want to go back to the Star. I don’t like any of this anymore. Please, Matty, take me home.” She weeps pitifully. “I want to go home.”
“The universe is an ugly place, but you did what you could to survive, Helen. It’s going to be okay.” I stroke her wet hair.
“I want to go home,” she cries again. “Take me home.”
CHAPTER 98
MATHIRAS
Helen cries all night. Her distress tears at me. I hold her as she weeps, her sobs pitiful, until she finally cries herself to sleep. I continue to hold her, because she needs comfort and a stable pair of arms to rest in.
In a way, I was expecting the gravity of Helen’s killings to catch up to her. I don’t think it’s occurred to her that they’re real people until she saw one with Ruth’s face. That slammed the matter home, and now she’s distraught. She’ll be all right. We all get emotional and have to process some of the terrible things we do in order to stay alive. Helen just needs to realize that she’s very strong and capable, and that she needs to use that power sparingly. That sometimes breaking necks isn’t the best solution.
She did it to save me, though. It’s not as if I can complain.
Kef, maybe I really am an old stick in the mud. I should just be grateful she’s a gorgeous killing machine. It’s just that I don’t want Helen to change from her innocent, loving personality. Too much murder will change her, make her hard inside. I want her to stay as sweet and happy as she is.
But seeing her weep like this is tearing me apart.
When Helen is finally sleeping deeply and her breath is no longer shuddering, I ease out of bed and head for the bridge. Adiron’s been working with Bethiah and Aithar to shuttle out and pick up all the human pods we can find. The Scarlet Gaze drifts near the front of the derelict ship, and I’ve been told that her hold is full of slavers, several of them ready to talk about their role in the network of skin trade they’ve been a part of. For now, though, the Gaze is helping us with the disabled ship. Since the Gaze has a much larger engine, she’ll be hauling the derelict toward Risda III. It’ll take a while for her to arrive at her destination with that much in tow, but I suppose it gives us time to figure out what happens next.
On the bridge, I don’t see my brother. Just Zebah, fussing with the controls and shaking her head at our nav maps. I move to my chair and activate my control panel, sending a comm over to the Scarlet Gaze and to Straik specifically. I lean back in my chair, closing my eyes as I wait for the connection to complete. I wonder if I need to get Helen drunk. Maybe she’d feel a bit better and it’d be easier for her to work through some of her feelings if she was inebriated. I don’t like the thought, but I also hate the thought of her crying for days on end and me being helpless to assist. I consider sexually sating her but it seems highly inappropriate. A round of cock won’t solve everything.
“You look like a keffing mess,” comes Straik’s voice, the comm connecting.
I rub my face and lean in, opening my eyes. Straik’s face is on my screen, his hair shorn to his scalp again. It makes his ears (and the jewelry studding them) stand out and highlights his heavy brows. “It’s been a lot. Helen’s a bit distraught right now.”
He grunts with understanding. “She all right?”
“She will be. I’ll make sure of it.” I nod at the screen. “How’s the derelict coming?”
“The men are doing a few repairs on her and then she’ll hold together long enough to tow her into Lord va’Rin’s territory. We’ll head out tomorrow, I think. Will you be tailing us?”
I consider. On one hand, I want to go after the casino satellite. On the other hand, Helen comes first, and I’m not sure if she’s ready for another “adventure” like the one we just had. Bethiah wants to go back to retrieve her ship, Zebah wants to get away from Bethiah, and Adiron wants to return to Jade. “We haven’t decided. There’s still the matter of Lady sa’Rin and—”
Straik holds up a hand. “Actually, I want to handle that.”
“You do?” I frown at the comm screen. “I thought you were hauling the derelict back to Risda III.”