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I get out of the shower and dry my hair before resuming fetal position on my bed. I’m completely numb. I feel like my heart has been ripped out, trampled on and shoved back into my chest a battered mess. I’m somewhere between grief and devastation, and it’s the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. My life has fallen apart. I feel empty, betrayed, lonely and lost. The only person that can make any of this better is the person that’s made it all happen. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to recover from this.
Author: Jodi Ellen Malpas
‘Ava?’ I lift my pounding head from my pillow, finding Kate stood in my doorway. The sympathy on her face enflames the hurt a little bit more. She perches on the edge of the bed, stroking my cheek. ‘It doesn’t have to be like this. ’ she says softly.
How so? How can it be any other way? I just have to ride out this pain and see if I have the strength to deal with any of it. Start all over again. But at the moment, I’m content just lying here feeling sorry for myself.
‘Yes, it does. ’ I reply on a whisper.
‘No, it doesn’t. ’ She’s firmer this time. ‘You still love him. Admit you still love him. Did you tell him?’
I can’t deny it. I do. I love him – so much it hurts. But I shouldn’t love him. I know I shouldn’t. ‘I can’t. ’ I turn my face into my pillow.
‘Why?’
‘He owns a sex club, Kate. ’
‘He didn’t know how to tell you. He was worried you would walk away. ’
I look at Kate. ‘Well, he didn’t tell me, and I’ve still walked away. ’ I settle back down into my tear drenched pillow. ‘You heard that man. He destroys marriages. He screws women for fun. ’ Why is she being so defensive? ‘Why are you not shocked?’ I mutter into my pillow. I know she’s laid back, but this is shocking stuff.
‘I am…a bit. ’
‘You could’ve fooled me. ’
‘Ava, Jesse hasn’t so much as looked at another woman since he met you. The man is crazy about you. Sam never thought he’d see the day. ’
‘Sam can say what he likes, Kate. It doesn’t change the fact that he owns a place where people go to have sex and he sometime joins in. ’ I shudder, feeling sick at the thought. Crazy about me? That’s total crap.
‘You can’t punish him because of his past. ’
‘It’s not his past, though, is it? He still owns the place. ’
‘It’s his business. ’
‘Oh, leave me alone, Kate. ’ I spit. Her defending all of this is just pissing me off. She should be supporting me, not trying to justify Jesse’s misdemeanours.
I feel her weight lift from the bed on a sigh. ‘He’s still Jesse. ’ she says as she leaves my bedroom, and me alone to mourn my loss.
I lay in silence trying to rid my head of all the inevitable thoughts. It’s no good. My brain is assaulted by flashbacks of the last few weeks. Of our first meeting when he floored me, the texts and the calls and then the stalking…and the sex. I flip myself onto my stomach, sinking my face into my pillow.
Kate’s words keep pin-balling around in my mind “he’s still Jesse”. Do I even know who Jesse is? All I know is a man who swept me up in his intensity and blindsided me with his physical being.
Another piece of the puzzle falls into place when I recall him telling me that he has no contact with his parents. They disowned him when his uncle died and Jesse refused to sell The Manor. It makes sense now. It had nothing to do with the inheritance or sharing the estate, and all to do with their twenty one year old son being left to run a super posh sex club. Of course they would be concerned, and probably highly pissed. Their disapproval of Jesse’s relationship with Carmichael is absolutely warranted. Christ, did Carmichael encourage Jesse to pursue that lifestyle? Jesse even said he was having the time of his life. What young man wouldn’t be in a house where anything goes? He really has had lots of practice. And there’s a distinct possibility that he really has never fucked a woman more than once – apart from me.
It doesn’t take Einstein to figure out why I was being chucked the evils by all of those women when I was at The Manor. They all want him. No, they all want him again.
He played it risky by taking me there, but when I think carefully, no one ever approached me – I was never alone, never free to roam. Did everyone know I was oblivious? Were they under instruction to keep quiet, to stay away? I must be a complete laughing stock. He really did go out of his way to keep me in the dark. How did he think he could get away with it? Sarah’s comment on leathers. . . I push my face into the pillow in complete despair.
‘Ava?’
I look up and see Sam stood in the doorway, looking as deflated as he was earlier. ‘He beat himself up on a daily basis trying to think of how he could tell you. I’ve never seen him like this before. ’
‘You mean rejected?’ I say sarcastically. ‘No, I can’t imagine Jesse Ward did get many knock backs. ’
‘No, I mean crazy about a woman. ’