I’d sworn to myself that it was him who had planted that vengeful, wrathful seed inside me and then fueled it when he cheated. But I was wrong.
I did that all on my own.
And because of that, I hurt many people along the way.
Even people who didn’t deserve it.
I feel broken. Completely and utterly broken.
It will take more than a plot for revenge to put me back together again.
What is wrong with me? How did I let my anger get so far that it threatened the best relationship that I’ve ever been in? Kayden didn’t deserve what I did to him. He treated me like a queen and he only asked to be put first, just like he’d put me first. And instead, I let him down, forcing him to give up that final fight against Jax.
I didn’t even get to tell him that I love him. I was too scared to utter those words to anyone because I was stuck on the idea that those I’d put my trust and love in always ended up letting me down.
But in isolating myself from them, I’d only let myself down.
I crawl over to grasp my bottle of water and my phone that are sitting on the mats beside me. The screen lights up to reveal that it’s well past midnight now. I haven’t been to work for the past three days. Called in sick. At least Julian didn’t ask questions. He was aware of what I was dealing with and knew I wouldn’t ask for leave unless I really needed the time.
I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myself to mentally steep in my own thoughts for this long before. Maybe it’s because I hate being alone with them. They’re vicious, only serving to plunge holes into my titanium exterior.
Facing an opponent in the cage has always been as easy as breathing.
Facing myself has always been the hardest fight of all.
“Well, look who it is. Thanks for dodging our calls, by the way. It’s not like you have friends and family who worry about you.” A deep voice prickles my ear. When I turn toward the source of the voice, my body stiffens.
“Yeah, well I really needed some time to myself,” I mutter quietly.
I watch as Evans slips through the back door of the gym, followed by Brent. They drop onto the mats on either side of me, worry sinking their brows on their faces.
I haven’t seen anyone since the day I returned home from the hospital. It’s not like they haven’t been trying to reach out; by now, they’ve all probably heard about what happened. I haven’t been sticking around the apartment much lately, either, because there’s too much hurt there, and I need to keep myself distracted from it because that’s the only way I know how to keep myself going.
“Sienna, we’re really worried about you,” Brent says, scooting over to me and bracing an arm over my shoulder.
“I’m fine. I’ve just been really busy, okay?” I say defensively.
Busy figuring out an antidote to my shattered heart.
“What the hell happened to you two?” Brent whispers.
“He just couldn’t forgive himself for what happened during the fight,” I tell him, opting to be vague about it. I’m not sure I can live through a retelling of the breakup right now since it’s still so fresh. I haven’t even recovered from what was said that night.
“He’s such a fucking idiot.” Evans swears, anger rising in his chest in the form of a huffed breath. “Always thinking he’s to blame for everything bad that’s happened to the people around him.”
I frown at his words, wishing Kayden could have just pushed through the layers of self-loathing and guilt to see that he can’t control everything bad that happens around him. And despite my best attempts to get him to realize that, I still couldn’t get through.
Patricia was right; the odds were truly stacked against us. We had unknowingly brought our own issues into our relationship, but we decided to fight for it anyway, knowing that it wasn’t going to be a fair fight.
And in the end, neither of us won.
“He said that he wasn’t coming back, you know,” I say, pulling my knees up and hugging them.
“Oh, he will,” Evans mutters. “And when he does, he should watch out for my fist.”
“Seriously?” Brent asks, appalled. “He’s my brother.”
“And he’s my best friend. I’m sorry. I get that he has issues but skipping town will not solve anything,” Evans says sharply. “He’s not going to get a very friendly ‘Welcome home, buddy’ from me, that’s for sure.”