I was s
cared to break the ambiance. I thought that
talking might not be allowed. First came the massage with the
oil that smelled like oranges, then came the hot stones. Now
that we’re basically just laying here with warm rocks on our
backs, I guess that talking might now be acceptable.
“I can’t believe I’ve never done this before.” It’s kind
of strange talking down to the dark crevice and the shadowy
floor below that.
“I think that maybe sometimes…we’re scared to let
ourselves try new things because we’re actually afraid of being
happy.”
Steph doesn’t really say impulsive things. She’s more
of a rational thinker. She’s careful about things. So I know this
isn’t just some chance thing she decided to say. She’s putting it
out there for a reason, but why? Does she somehow know
what happened to me in the past or is she just guessing that
there is something? Maybe she’s just talking about the
massage. Maybe she’s talking about herself. About how she
never came out to anyone until now. About how she still hasn’t
come out to anyone else.
I don’t know that for certain. I don’t know that she
hasn’t told anyone. I haven’t asked. I figured she’d tell me if
she told her family, but maybe she had talked to her friends.
I’m scared to ask her. I’m scared to ask her because I’m scared
that if I do, she’ll become indecisive and that will be me
pushing her. It’s more than that, but I don’t want to think about
it right now. I just want to enjoy this massage. I want to enjoy
our time away together.
I don’t want to be afraid of being happy.