Last nightI did something I haven’t done in a long time. If I told Jalonie and Reese they’d make fun of me. Last night I slept in one of Paxton’s t-shirts that I kept. Am I crazy? Obsessed? I don’t doubt it but what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get over the man that’s my person…my forever?
Yes, he choose his career over me. I get it, I truly do because I know his heart. I know my Paxton. Him letting me go was his pride talking because he was afraid of losing me completely. Though he did, I get it. Thanks to years of therapy, I understand a lot of what caused the demise of our relationship.
One, I can’t blame young Paxton for the decisions he made seven years ago. We were dangerously in love. You should’ve seen two shadows but there was only one. We were obsessed with each other in the most nirvana blissful way that two young lovers could be. He was my go-to narcotic and I overdosed on him repeatedly.
Then life happened.
We had to answer the call of what it meant to be an adult and start living our lives. Unfortunately, it came with stubbornness, ultimatums, fear, and pride. It took me a long to appreciate the love we shared during college. He made it one of my best memories. I experienced so many firsts with him.
My first boyfriend.
My first kiss.
My first love.
My first lover.
My first heartbreak.
Even the bad…my God, even that felt good too.
According to Reese, I should regret everything he and I experienced but I don’t. I wouldn’t dare. He changed my life for the better regardless of how many tears I filled the ocean with. It was because of him that I understood what my daddy taught me about falling in love with a man that put me first. A man who worshiped the ground I walked on. I lived and breathed my own romantic fairytale with him.
All my life people have judged and picked on me because I wasn’t one who fit in with crowds. I set my own trends. Made my own decisions and owned them. Even my sister and best friend sometimes judged my eccentric ways but not my Paxton. He made me feel extra beautiful when I’d wear my favorite floral bellbottoms, platform shoes, and bright shirt because it was a Wednesday and I wanted to have a 70’s day. He’d even help me pick my hair out in a large afro.
He accepted all my colors.
He accepted me.
He loved me.
So, no. I didn’t hate him. Disappointed and hurt, yes. But hate, I could never.
I walked into Monarch with breakfast for the entire staff. My assistant Brooke and I decided to bring in bagels and muffins from Einstein’s. In truth, it was a peace offering to Paxton. His anger towards me threw me off. How could he be upset with me when I did nothing wrong? If anyone had a right to be mad, it should be me. He chose his career and the opinion of his controlling ass mama over me. I gave him pieces of me that no one else has ever had the pleasure of seeing.
I even cut Nate off completely because all it took was for me to be spellbound under his gaze one day after seven years to know I didn’t want anyone but him.
Ugh, I felt like such a fool.
“Good morning, Jacolby. You look lovely today.” Trent snuck up on me as I sat the breakfast out on the conference room table. I thought a few of the employees were joking when they called him the sneaky lawyer, but I found that to be an actual true statement.
Plastering on a fake smile, I turned and greeted him, “Good morning, Trent. How are you today?” I watched as his eyes took me in. Flattering, but not Paxton. The way Paxton analyzed my body. Bold. In front of everyone. Trent could try, but he wasn’t a match by far.
“Amazing now that I’ve seen you.” He winked causing me to blush.
I can admit that he was a handsome man. Very handsome in a pretty boy way. Standing around six-foot-three with a slim soccer build, he lacked the thickness of Paxton. They shared the same height but where Paxton had the stuffed muscular teddy bear build going on, Trent needed to sit at my mama’s dinner table and let her thicken him up. Not to mention his beard was still in the weeds stages of growing out. Paxton had the perfect beard.
Trent began talking about cars and wanting to drive my car, Bumblebee. Nobody drove Bumblebee. Not even Senior and he was the one to gift him to me. Well, one other person has driven her. That same person stood by the elevator staring back at me.
Using my eyes, I expressed my feelings. Spoke my apology even though I had nothing to apologize for. Asked for forgiveness of whatever sin that turned his heart cold towards me. Allowed my eyes to tell my entire truth. How I missed him. Yearned for him. Desired him. Craved him. How I would take him back if he just kissed my lips. Then, his eyes turned somber and crushed my soul.
Who hurt you, Paxton? What did she do?
The vulnerability rocked me to the soles of my feet. Those eyes opened the tunnel to his heart…dark and broken.
I felt it.
I wanted to snatch it and replace it with happiness. Wanted him to allow me to mend it back together again. Mend it back to the heart that once loved me. Had he fought for us, and I mean really fought for us like I had, he wouldn’t be looking like someone stole his Twinkie. I could never keep my petty spirit away for too long.