21
Willow
Sitting in Parker’s car at the edge of the cemetery, we wait until everybody is gone. I feel cold, every inch of my flesh frozen. Will it be like this forever? Will I feel this way forever? I watch my father from afar, seeing through his mask right away. He is playing the role of the grieving father well, but not well enough to fool me.
Beneath the coldness, pure burning rage consumes me. I hate my father, and I can say that without a single sliver of remorse. He might be my father, but he’s nothing close to being the daddy, he leads everyone to believe. This is the end, the freedom I always wanted is mine, but at the expense of one of my loved one’s lives. A tightening forms in my chest as I think about how alone I am. I have no one, nothing. It is just me now. It hasn’t been that long, and I already miss her. I miss her so much it feels like that empty space inside me will never be filled again.
When every last person has finally left, Parker turns to me. “Are you ready?”
I nod, even though I don’t feel ready. Holding onto the flowers in my hand a little tighter, I wait for Parker to move first. He gets out of the car, comes around, and opens my door. He has to help me out because my body matches the state of my mind right now; confused, broken, and weak. Looping my arm into his, I let him lead me to my sister’s grave. She was laid to rest beside my mother. Another reminder of how much I’ve already lost, though I am happy that they are together again, even if it’s just here.
Staring down at the freshly moved dirt, I wonder what I should say. Words won’t change what happened, they won’t bring her back.
“I’m sorry,” I bite my lip hard enough to make it bleed while attempting to hold back the sob from ripping from my throat. “I’m sorry for letting you down. I’m sorry for not fighting hard enough for you. You were all I had, and I let you down.”
Parker’s hand rubs slow, gentle circles against my back, reminding me that he is still here, that he wants me. But that’s not enough. That’s not going to bring her back to me.
“I miss you so much. It hasn’t been that long, but it feels like it’s been, and I know it’s only going to get worse.” The wind blows, and my body sways with the movement. “I’ll get you justice and make everyone who did you wrong pay.”
And I will. I’ll make sure Nate and Brett get what’s coming to them. Justice will be served. On shaky legs, I walk forward and place the flowers on her grave. I hold back the tears and take a step back.
“You may be gone big sister, but you will not be forgotten,” I whisper. Parker’s strong arm wraps around my middle, and he pulls me back into his chest. The warmth of his body seeps into mine, and I start to shiver.
What happens next? I’m so lost now. I have nothing, nowhere to go, nothing to look forward to.
“It’s getting cold,” Parker whispers softly into the shell of my ear.
“What…what do I do now?” The tears start to fall, staining my cheeks.
“Let’s talk about it,” he says, and I start to sob as I walk back toward the car, each cry a silent scream for help. I’m drowning in misery and sadness, and the water keeps rising. How will I survive? Parker opens the car door and helps me in. I wipe at my tired eyes, wanting the tears and pain to stop. Entering the car, he turns it on and blasts the heat. Then as if I weigh nothing more than a small child, he tugs me across the center console and into his lap.
I don’t fight him, needing his warmth, his support. Placing my head against his chest, I focus on the familiar beat of his heart.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Running his fingers through my hair, Parker speaks low, “I know it’s going to be hard for you, but I want you to come back to Blackthorn with me. I want you, really want you. Not in a revenge kind of way, or even obsession…though I am obsessed with you.” The last part comes out in a whisper. His confession should make me smile, and it would if I could manage to smile right now.
“I can’t. I can’t afford the tuition there, and the only way my father will pay for it is if I act as his pawn, and I refuse to have anything to do with him. I don’t want to be caged anymore. I want to be free.”