I don’t know why but for some reason, I thought in his drunken state I would somehow be able to overpower him. Unfortunately, I underestimated him. I was wrong…so very wrong. I shove against his chest as hard as I can, but he doesn’t budge. Instead, he grabs me by the arms and pushes me backward and toward the bed.
Alarm bells go off in my mind. This is bad, very bad. I’m completely alone with him. He’s much stronger than me and on top of that, he’s drunk. I’m so fucking stupid for believing that staying here would be a good idea.
He warned me, told me that he was going to come for me tonight and I ignored his warning. I fell right into his trap.
“Vance…” I say his name, but it comes out more like a whimper.
“Shhh, just lie down,” he orders and gently nudges me down until I’m lying on the bed. I push up onto my elbows and try to get away, but he’s faster and springs on me like a jaguar, his large frame pressing me into the mattress. Panic claws at me, and inky dread coats my inside, my whole body shaking with fear. He’s going to hurt me, he’s going to make me pay for something that I’m not even sure I’m guilty of.
“Please,” I beg, hoping that he’s not too far gone, that he doesn’t really want to hurt me.
“Please what?” he whispers into my skin with his face buried in the crook of my neck. He smells like vodka and bad decisions. I can’t let him do this to me, whatever this is. “Please fuck me? I told you…I don’t fuck liars. But I did have some girl at the party suck me off…I thought about you while I fucked her throat. I was thinking how you would like my cock in your mouth…wouldn’t you, Ava?”
“No…” not like this anyway.
“Liar…all you do is fucking lie,” he growls before slapping a hand over my mouth to shut me up. “I’m done listening to that pretty little mouth spew lies.”
I don’t understand anything that he’s saying, and I squeeze my eyes shut, waiting for whatever he is going to do to me to happen, but I’ll be waiting for a while because he doesn’t move an inch. It’s almost like he’s a statue, the weight of his body pressing me further into the mattress. His body blankets mine, his breath moving my hair across my neck with each breath he takes. Strangely, some of the fear starts to ease out of me, and for the first time ever, I don’t feel alone.
“Why? Why did you have to fuck everything up?”
He’s just venting, talking more to himself than to me. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to ask him what he’s talking about.
“You could have just kept your mouth shut. You didn’t have to tell your dad anything. You didn’t have to ruin it all.”
I blink rapidly, realization dawning on me.
Is that what this is about? Is he mad at me for telling my dad what happened that night? I want to say something so badly, talk to him, make him understand that I didn’t know what else to do, that I was only a kid, but his hand remains securely over my mouth.
Anything I would say would come out as a mumble.
“If you would’ve just kept your mouth shut, everything would still be the way it was supposed to be. Maybe I wouldn’t hate you…maybe we’d still be friends,” he whispers, and my chest constricts, a sob lodging deep in my throat. He just rubbed my own worst fears right in my face. Slapped me with them. He answered a question I’ve been asking myself for years.
What would have happened if I didn’t say anything?
All my doubts, worries and fears… they’re projected right before my eyes.
Maybe he’s right, maybe it’s my fault.
The tears start to fall without warning and slip down the sides of my face. It feels like my heart is ripping in two, the pieces being discarded like trash. For a few minutes, I sob, uncontrollably beneath him. The weight of his body comforts me more than I want to admit and I wish he would touch me, wipe away the tears, tell me it isn’t my fault, but he won’t because deep down I know he thinks it’s all my fault. He blames me for all of it and he plans to slice the knife of a betrayal deep into my chest.
“Shhh, it’s too late for your tears now. They won’t save you. Nothing can save you from me.” He lifts his head, his warm lips ghosting against my cheek. Green eyes reflect back at me. They’re glassy and I wonder if he’s crying too?
For the loss and the pain that we both obviously endured. I don’t get the chance to ask him, not even as he removes his hand from my mouth and pushes up off the bed. My throat is too tight to speak, the words I want to say lodged deep inside the knot forming there. I didn’t realize how much comfort I was taking in his body until he was gone.