“Ivan…” I nervously stand in the middle of the living room while he’s in the kitchen getting me something to drink. “I want to… I mean…” I stumble over the words unable to get them out. I’m a nervous wreck, wondering how he’ll respond to my request.
Ivan return from the kitchen and hands me a glass of orange juice. “What is it kitten?”
I take the glass from his hands, suck in a quick breath and try again to get the words out.
“I still want you to be my first. I know you don’t think you deserve me, but you do. I want to have this experience together. I want to give that part of myself to you and not because I feel like I need to repay you, but because I want this. I want the choice… I want this memory.”
Ivan shakes his head taking a step backwards, “You don’t know what you want Violet. You don’t want me to be your first, you have no idea how stupid that sounds.”
I should be angry at how harsh his words are but I’m not.
“We’ve done other things. Why can’t we do this? Why can’t I have this choice. I want you Ivan. I want you and only you. It’s only sex, right?”
He lets out a harsh laugh, “No it’s not just sex. It’s your virginity, your first fucking time. It should mean something. It should be with someone important. Not me. I am not important. I’m part of the reason you’re in this place, the reason you’ve gotten hurt. This entire fucking ordeal leads back to me.”
I place the cup he handed me on the table to my right and cross the space separating us. He wants me to see him as the devil, this evil man, but all he’s doing is his job. Yes, he knows it’s bad and wrong and yeah that makes him fucked up, but it doesn’t make him unworthy…it doesn’t mean I can’t give myself to him. I stand so close to him that I have to crane my neck up to see his face and he has to look down to meet my eyes.
“Don’t try and make me see you as something you aren’t. The real monsters were the three men that attacked me. You saved me Ivan. You cared about me, when no one else did. You show me compassion and yeah you can try and hide it from yourself, but you can’t hide it from me. I know you care about me.”
“Of course I care about you, that’s why I don’t want to take this from you.” His voice cracks and I know he wants this…wants me. He just needs to be pushed, coaxed to the edge.
“You are not taking anything from me I don’t want to give to you. Please… you said yourself that if someone finds out about us, find the phone, or finds Yulie, that we are as good as dead. We don’t know what’s going to happen in the next week, Ivan. I don’t want to have any regrets and I know I will regret it if I never have the chance to give this to you. I want you, Ivan. No one else, regardless of any future. I want you.”
Before he can answer I grab the hem of my shirt and pull it over my head. I swallow nervously watching as he clenches his fists his eyes roaming over my chest. I’m so afraid he’ll reject me that I start to shake and like the knight he is, he’s on me, pressing a hard kiss to my lips, owning every single piece of my heart.
He pulls away, his lips ghost against mine.
“We’ll do this, but only because you want it so badly. I’m not a good man and this part of you shouldn’t belong to me but whatever you’re giving me I’ll take, because it comes from you.”
I get up on my tiptoes so I can press another kiss to his lip. This time he picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist letting him carry me to the bedroom. He doesn’t let go of me as he kicks off his shoes and gets on the bed to lay me down as he hovers right above me. I pull on his shirt, urging him to take it off and he does, throwing it down to the floor. He lowers himself again, so that there is only an inch of space between our bodies and I can feel the electric charge between us. Pulling us together like magnets.
He kisses my mouth sweetly before peppering kisses along my jawline, moving down my neck and over my collarbone blazing a fiery path to my breasts.
Once there he sucks the hardened nipple into his mouth and I come unglued.
“Ivan.” I call out his name, not knowing what I need but knowing I need more of it. He kneads my other breast with his huge hand and I arch my back, pushing my breasts into his face.