When I Was Yours

I’m eighteen years old again and at her mercy.

I know it has to stop because I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I can feel myself softening toward her, getting close again, and I can’t let that happen. I can’t risk letting her shred me to pieces again.

I barely survived the last time.

So, after this weekend, I am definitely done. I’m going to tell her that it has to stop. No more.

After this weekend, no more sex with Evie.

Yeah, sure you are, Gunner. You keep telling yourself that. You’re in so deep again that you can’t even see a way out.

I swing my car into my driveway and turn off the engine.

“You still have the beach house?” Evie asks in surprised voice, staring at it through the windshield.

My scalp starts to prickle. “I bought it when I got back from Harvard.”

I watch her processing this information, and then she turns her face to me. “It always was a beautiful house.”

You’re beautiful.

I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe.

Fuck.

I open my door and get out of the car.

You need to sort your shit out, Gunner, ASAP.

I get Evie’s overnight bag from the trunk and head to the house, with her behind me. I unlock the front door, letting her in first.

I watch her step inside the hall. Her movements are timid, like she’s afraid.

Maybe she is.

I am. I’m fucking terrified.

I hadn’t considered before now, how difficult it would be to have her in the beach house again.

It’s hard. Really hard.

There’s an ache in my chest that won’t seem to go away, and I have a feeling it’s going to be here all weekend.

“You’re in the spare room,” I say as I walk past her, heading for the stairs.

She follows behind me.

When I reach the landing, I pass by what used to be Max’s old room, and it is now mine. “This is me,” I tell her, jerking my thumb at the door. “And this is you.” I open the door to what she will remember as the spare room.

It’s now the guest room where Max usually stays when he’s here. With the worst view in the whole house, it overlooks the side entrance to the house, so basically, you’re looking at a fence.

When I moved back here, I took Max’s old room and made it my bedroom.

I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in my old bedroom. Too many memories in there.

But I didn’t want anyone else sleeping in there either, so I turned the spare room into the guest room.

“Sorry about the view.” I jerk my head in the direction of the window as I put her bag down on the bed.

“No, it’s fine. Perfect. Thank you for letting me stay here.” She smiles as she sits down on the edge of the bed.

Evie. Bed. Beach house.

I have the sudden urge to make love to her, which is definitely not a good idea, considering I’m suddenly calling it making love and not fucking.

I’m so screwed.

“It’s no problem.” It’s such a big problem that I can’t even begin to explain it to you. “I told Grady that we’d go see him as soon as we got here. Do you need to freshen up before we go?” I’m backing up toward the door.

“I could do with a quick freshen-up.” She smiles at me again, this one a little weaker.

“Towels are in the bathroom. So, I’ll see you downstairs when you’re ready.”

“Okay. Thank you,” she says.

Closing the door behind me, I rest my head against it and let out a breath.

I can do this. Evie being here isn’t a big deal.

Taking a step away from her door, I make my way back downstairs and head out onto the deck to wait for her.

I’m just working through some emails on my phone when she appears. She’s wearing different clothes—a strappy white summer dress that has little pink and purple flowers on it that stops just shy of her knees. Her hair is down. Her face is still clean of makeup, except for a little gloss on her lips.

She looks beautiful.

And she sees me staring because she starts nervously running her hands up and down her dress.

Then, she says, “I thought I’d make a bit of an effort. I wasn’t sure if we’d be having lunch with Grady or not. Is it too much? I can go change—”

“No, it’s fine.” I clear my throat. “We’ll be having lunch. Not sure where though. It’s Grady’s pick.” I check my watch. “We should go.” I pick up my house keys off the table and put them along with my cell into my jeans pocket. “I thought we could walk along the beach to Grady’s?”

“Sounds great.”

I lock up the back door and follow her down the steps to the beach.

I watch her gaze catch and linger on the rock she used to sit on to sketch. It was the first place I saw her, the first place we talked, the place where I fell in love with her.

I’m moving closer to her without even realizing I’m doing it.

Her hair blows in the breeze, brushing against my chest. I breathe in her scent. She smells of everything that once represented happiness to me.

Standing here with her reminds me of the times we would just stand out on the beach together with my arms wrapped around her from behind, her scent in my nose, our toes buried in the sand. We’d watch the sunset and listen to the waves crashing in against the sand.

“It still looks the same,” she says softly. “Like no time has passed at all, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” I say, my eyes fixed on her.

Being here with her, it could almost be like nothing has changed. It’s ten years ago, and we’re still in love. No anger, no pain, no hate. Just her and me.

She turns to face me, and the past is written all over her face.

And it hurts so very badly. Because I know what the reality is, and it isn’t happy. That’s for sure.

“Let’s go.” I turn away and start walking down the beach toward Grady’s.

It doesn’t take us long to reach the Shack. The walk was a little tense but not as tense as the car journey here. Maybe the sea air is loosening us up a bit. That, and the fact that I know Grady will be with us soon, and he will monopolize all of her attention makes me feel a little better.

When we arrive, I open the door, letting Evie in first, and see that the shop is busy.

Grady is behind the counter. The second he sees her, his face lights up. He’s around that counter and sweeping her up into his arms in seconds.

“Look at you!” he says to her. “You look exactly the same. Still as beautiful as ever. God, I have missed you, Evie Girl.”

“Missed you, too,” she says in an almost whisper, as he lowers her to her feet.

I can see tears glistening her eyes. I didn’t think about how hard coming back here might be for her.

I was only thinking about how hard it would be for me.

Base comes out of the stock room, and he immediately spots her. “Holy fuck! Evie Taylor!” He charges at her like a bull and sweeps her up off her feet.

My body stiffens, and I have the sudden urge to take his head off his shoulders. I don’t care how big he is.

“Grady said you were back, and you’d be coming in today. But I wasn’t believing that shit until I saw you, and here you are,” Base says to her.