Fool Me Once

I run to get ahead of Zane, so I can get pictures of his face. Keegan is speed walking next to him, staying close just in case Zane somehow tips over. As I snap the picture of the two of them, grins wide and dimples sticking out, my heart swells, and I get choked up. Keegan’s eyes meet mine, and his head tilts slightly to the side, silently asking what’s wrong. I shake my head, willing the tears to not fall.

When we get to the park, Zane sees one of his friends from school, and after taking off his helmet and pads, takes off to play with him, leaving Keegan and me to follow behind.

“Everything okay?” he asks.

I could lie and tell him everything is fine, downplay what I’m feeling, but I go with the truth. “When I was pregnant with Zane, I’d imagine what it would be like if I found you. To take our son to the park together. To take family vacations, walk him into school together on his first day.” I get choked up once again and have to take a deep breath before I continue. “Seeing the pictures of you and Zane last night, and watching you two this week playing together. You buying him his own skateboard. It’s just… it’s everything I ever wanted for him.”

I turn to face him, no longer caring that the tears are now falling freely. “I want to try. You and me and Zane. I want us to try to be a family.” I was expecting Keegan to smile since he told me this is what he wanted, so I’m confused when his lips turn down into a frown.

He looks at me for a long moment, and then his eyes leave mine to check on Zane. He’s only a few feet away from us, playing in the sand, but I love that Keegan makes it a point to keep checking on him. He’s a natural dad.

“I want that too,” he says, but I can hear the silent but before he voices it.

“But,” I prompt, my nerves getting the best of me. I put myself out there, on the line, like Sierra told me to do, and now I’m freaking out on the inside, scared Keegan no longer wants to try.

“You said you want to try to be a family. Everything you mentioned involved us with Zane.”

“Right…” I don’t understand. Zane is the glue that holds us together. Of course he’s included.

“What about you and me? If Zane weren’t in the picture, would you still want to try?”

“What… I don’t…” I don’t know what he’s asking. “Why wouldn’t Zane be in the picture?”

“If you never got pregnant during our time together, and then four years later we ran into each other, would you want to date me? Every example you gave was about us being a family, and I know you lost your family… and you can have that. The family. My mom and dad can’t wait to meet Zane. Kolton is just as excited. Regardless of what happens between us, we’re a family, Jailbird. We’ll always have a son together.”

Keegan’s gaze flickers from me to Zane and back to me again. “I don’t know much about relationships. I’ve only been in a couple short-term ones. But I can’t imagine that us getting together for the sake of our son can make for a sturdy foundation for a long-lasting relationship.” He stops speaking and smiles. Then he raises his hand and cups the side of my face. “If you want us to try for us, then I’m down. But if you only want to try because you want to give Zane a family, then I think we should just stay friends. Either way, that boy”—he nods toward our son—“is going to have a family. I promise you that.”

Biting down on my bottom lip, I attempt to rein in these foreign emotions that are hitting me full force. Keegan’s right. My speech was all about Zane and giving him a family. But that’s not all I want. It’s just all I know.

“For the last four years my entire world has been about Zane. Making sure he has a roof over his head, that he’s healthy and fed. Feels loved. I worry every day that Sierra and I aren’t enough. Growing up, Sierra and I were given whatever we wanted, but we lacked the love and attention we craved. Our mom tried, but she was torn between trying to be the perfect wife to our father and a good mother to Sierra and me. She would read to us every night no matter where in the world she was with our dad, but he demanded she be his wife first, and there wasn’t a whole lot left of her after she was done giving to our dad.